two days worth (long)

yesterday, feeling a bit less wobbly than on thursday, i decided to test my strength and also get away from these four walls. i searched for something fun to dress in, found a skirt i'd had hidden in the closet for two years (tags still on) looked at the size and said now or never. i put it on and found the top i remembered i'd purchased to go with it and with a sweater and my new boots all laced up took a gander at myself and thought... i look a bit like an old fashioned school marm!



so off i went, to my work, to deliver that bread i baked a few days before. i ended up spending over two hours there, visiting and catching up. i couldn't believe it when i left and realized what the time was. everyone asked about my eye and what had happened and all said how they wanted me back ever so soon. i was able to see where my new area will be and it looks like i will have a nice setup and will get to make a nice little cubbiehole for myself. sigh...

i had a few dizzy spells while there but after sitting and resting i felt okay so i proceeded on with my plans for the day and next up was a trip to the library. i haven't been in years. my nose is so persnickety these days and i've been worried about how sensitive i would be to bringing in books from the library but after realizing how badly i need something new to read and how i just can NOT purchase new books like i want to, this seemed the only way. so...i picked up a few books...



then i went to see my mum, had lunch with her and came home with a turkey leg and the ham bone (with extra meat). i don't know if one turkey leg is enough to make stock with or not. any suggestions as to what i could do with it? she gave me some extra turkey meat too.

anywho, i made a stop at the grocers for a quick thing or two and came out with four bags. do you do that? go in for one or two things but just can't stop? i do that everywhere. i have such bad impulse control when shopping.

i have been craving collard greens and somehow missed them at the grocers so this morning to the farmers market i went, fingers crossed that they were still open this late in the year and surely someone would have collard greens. well, they were there, and busy! i bought apples and collards and that is all. i passed on the beautiful french hubbard pumpkins, nosegay bouquets, cyclamens, poinesettas, paperwhites and christmas cactus. aren't you proud? i wanted to bring them all home to live here in the cottage. but no, i said to myself, when you are feeling better and able to take better care of yourself, then you can bring more plant friends home!

oh, where was i? yes, so i left the market quite proud of myself. went to run for yet another prescription from the pharma and came home. then got a bee in my bonnet that i wanted to string fairie lights around my front porch. i get out my steppy stool and ms. hammer. find my little cup hooks (they seem to be perfect for hanging strings of fairie lights) and realize i don't have enough little cup hooks. so with the bee stinging away in my bonnet i grab my purse and keys and head to the dollar store. where they have NO CUP HOOKS. :( light bulbs - yes, they have those and i'd forgotten them at the grocers the day before so i'll get them; a little glass plate for setting candles on to catch the wax so as not to mess up the table - check, oh yes, you can never have too many of those in a cottage that almost always has candles burning; scotch tape - 2/$1 only you just bought tape at the pharma and it was only 1 roll not two and it was over two dollars and change so oh yes, most definitely i'll take that thankyouverymuch.

bee still buzzing even more determinedly i then go to the grocers, yes...again! i'm only going in for little cup hooks, i know exactly where they are. i don't even need a buggie or a little hand held carrier. i know just what i need. oh look! the candy canes i was looking for yesterday! and they're on SALE! well, just one package. okay, now to the cup hooks. hmmm...while i'm here i might as well see if they've restocked their pumpkin since they seem to be out the last several times i've been. no, no pumpkin, oh there's the manager, let me just ask..oh here it is, thanks so much. yes...four cans of pumpkin, i think i do need a carrier after all.

well...much more was bought, this and that...not too much more, just a few things that i need for various recipes that i've seen that i've wanted to make. but i did get the cup hooks! (i've only achieved one anchored in the porch ceiling so far - but it will be done by end of friday. it was just sooo cold! and i was soooo tired!)

did i mention the weather here? cold! very cold! which i love. but i only love it when it is accompanied by snow. so when the forecasters started talking about snow this weekend, i didn't want to get too excited. they've lied to me before afterall. many times. but they kept saying it, a dusting they said, over and over...a dusting...



and around noon...it started...



and just before dark it looked like this...



squee! i went out and played in it earlier in the day. this first snowfall of the winter brings a bittersweet joy. oh how my beastie boy would have loved this. while i wandered snapping photos of this or that i looked around for him and realized he wasn't there rooting and romping in the snow. but it is still snow and i am still just as much in love with it, and with winter, as i always have been.

supposedly the snow is to continue to fall through the night until early morning. so there may be even more when i wake. i'm sure to be looking out the window every once in a while to see if there is more snow falling. and as the temps aren't to get out of the 30's for the next several days, it may hang around for a bit.

i hope that your weekend is going well and that there is some happy thing brightening your days and nights...

blessings
~*~


ps... i also hope i didn't bore you wonky with all my little rambling. :)

pps...about that skirt - when i first purchased it two years ago it was at the end of winter and it is a wool skirt and lined to boot and i didn't get a chance to wear it before the hot weather came. when winter came around again, it was too small... :( the now or never is because, well, it is too BIG! yep! TOO BIG! i had to keep hiking it up all day! it is an elastic waist so i can take it in or rather i can find someone who knows what they are doing and have them take it in for me and maybe can wear it another season. :) yippee for too big clothes!

another round of ramblings

i've been taking it easy today. sitting on the sofa either reading my book or reading my favorite blogs. there was even a short nap involved. to me, december first ushers in the beginning of winter. yes, i know the "official" start isn't until the 21st, but i'm a rebel. :P

so the past few days have been busy. taking all the fall decor away(finally) and putting out my winter decor here and there. i decided not to put up a tree this year and i'm okay with that. i also took the time to create an actual meal. yeah, using pots and pans, real food, spices, ingredients. i know...shocking... i'd been surviving on crackers and cheese, pb&j half sandwichs, mini bags of popcorn and thanksgiving celebration leftovers for the past two weeks. i think i've mentioned my lack of appetite before, so it makes it hard to cook as i never want to eat and i've now got this constant pressure sitting in my throat and diaphram area. ugh.



but it was nice to take the time and effort to put a meal together. it wasn't a lot, green beans, baked chicken in a mushroom sauce with cheese over penne pasta. and i can eat on it all week. i also ended up making pumpkin bread that same night. (that was a huge mess as the big cans i'd bought a few weeks ago and was so excited to use turned out to not be pumpkin but PUMPKIN PIE MIX! and i'd already added in all the spices to the mix and was adding what i thought was pumpkin last!) ugg...turned out pretty good. i was planning to take it in to my co-workers this morning but had a little dilemma last night that kept me from being able to go out today. (more on that in a bit)

yesterday, mum took me out for lunch and a little shopping and window shopping. i picked up a few of the gifts i need to get for holiday presents. then we took a stroll through williams-sonoma (i drooled the whole time) and i went into anthropologie and drooled some more...

after lunch, it was time for my hair appointment. i'd been looking forward to it for a while. time for coloring and we added more purple this time. :) i wish we'd done it in bigger streaks but next time we will, she's already said. i just really like having it there, even if it doesn't show up a lot it makes me happy knowing it is there.

so last night i started a new medication. the doctor had warned me that i would need to rise from bed slowly because it could cause me to be lightheaded. around 3 am i woke needing to use the facilities. so i sat up in bed and waited about 5 minutes before i stood up and went into the bathroom. next thing i know, i'm waking up on the bathroom floor. i felt like i was having a seizure. i crawl back to the toilet (i know...tmi) and then... that's right...i'm waking up on the floor again. this time though i must have hit my head on the sink because i've got quite the bump on my face. and my head is hurting much more than it usually does. i was finally able to get myself finished and back to bed. my face is bruised and swollen, both knees bruised, neck, shoulders, arms hurting. head is very much hurting. this morning when i woke, i sat up very slowly in bed. then i just sat there for about half an hour before i would even attempt to stand up. every step was like walking through a very narrow tiny tunnel and scared me so.



hence the coziness photo as i was afraid to lay back in the bed, since it takes so long to get up once i've had a lie in and why i settled myself on the sofa. i did talk with the doctor's office about another medicine that we are having problems getting approved through insurance and while i had the lady on the phone i mentioned the fainting and she said not to take it again since i've only taken the one dose. (yes, ONE pill did that to me) and i have an appointment to see the doctor on monday so can discuss these concerns with him then.

i'd like to extend another thankyousoverymuch to those who have commented and sent me messages of guidance and hope in my struggles with my health. it means a lot to me. i am trying, using your encouragement, your words, to step outside of myself a little each day and to try for some joy, some happiness to make each day a little brighter. maybe, i reason with myself, a little brightness one day, will lead to a little more brightness the next, and so on and so forth. i know you all know what i mean. i read it in your blogs, see how you all have so much joy and happy to share. and i admire how you do it time and time again. maybe you do have hardships and sadness, but you don't seem to show it. i am one who says what i feel. which is why there are sometimes long silences here. because i know the dreary becomes overwhelming and i don't want to spew it too far or wide. i don't want to always be known for bringing drab and sad to people.

well...i'm off to search the internets for some self learning instructions on how to crochet. i'm so inspired by lucy and many others and want to learn to make granny squares. :)

blessings
~*~

just like the leaves of autumn...

i keep falling... and falling... no matter how many different places i get raked to or piles i get swept up into, i take my punches, take my beatings and fall, farther and farther... i keep wondering where the bottom is... and just how far i have to fall before i find it...

blessings
~*~

gone too quickly

october is going by too quickly for me... i want more fall days (i know november will have them but they just aren't quite the same as october fall days...)

the past two weeks have been a blur...hospital was not a pleasant experience...i had a male version of nurse ratchet who insisted that he had to push down on the incisions at my groin every 15 minutes...i swear i wanted to rip his arms off or better yet a lower portion of his anatomy. the surgery was a bust, as the pressure gradient was in the quite normal range and so no stint was placed. this leads us back to the drawing board completely and makes me very sad. i must admit i placed all my hopes for any relief on this stinting happening and clearing up the flow and thus relieving the pain...

my neurologist has given up now and turned me over to the other neuro-specialist that he recommended me to whom i can't get in to see until early december...i've called their office and practically did i beg for them to see me sooner or at least prescribe something! i am off on tuesday to the optical specialist to see about the other issues that have been discovered throughout this process that are "unexplainable"... i am quite seriously sick of doctors and tests, aren't you?

a few days of recovery at home after hospital and i was whisked off by my mum with a couple of her friends for a few days stay in our mountain home. it was wonderful to go and be there, i know i've expressed before my absolute love of those mountains and our home there. the weather lovely (i could have done with a bit colder during the day) the nights were fabulously chilly and allowed for roaring fires...



leaf turning peak is a big deal up there and we arrived near to peak, i believe



we spent several days shopping...going from store to store and town to town. i was so exhausted each night but instead of getting to rest, we played games until late at night. the last night we were there i went to bed early (around 10:45) and was awoken at 1am to the sounds of something crawling across the ceiling...seems the day before when we'd had the handyman come round to patch some holes in the fascia at the roof he ended up trapping a raccoon in the attic! it sounded HUGE and PISSED! i removed myself to the downstairs and stayed on the couch until morning as i just new it was going to claw it's way through my wall right at my head... but it seems s/he made an escape between the wee hours of 4am and 7am by knocking a board out of the attic fascia on the outside of the house. the handyman came back after we had left for home and was going to set a live trap so as to be able to set him/her free somewhere else if he/she returned. he's not called us so we take this to mean the bugger did not get back in the attic.



there were lots of displays all over town, lots of cute shops and cute items i wanted to purchase. the only thing i bought was a hat...i found one that actually looked good on my, a first! and so had to have it! i also found the most marvelous chocolate shop...i did get any pictures but when i go back i will ask if they will let me take some...it was a cross between Sally's shop in Practical Magic and Vianne's shop in Chocolat...and it was all decorated for halloween...so lovely!

i've finally caught up on all my blog reading...it took several days and i'm enjoying all the parties that i missed...you are all so very creative!

there is much to do this week, more doctors, meetings with people from work and our benefits to apply for disability (did i mention my leave from work has been extended through january) and there is lots of yard work that needs to get done. i'm even hoping to possibly get some garlic planted...maybe...

blessings
~*~

Time's Up

Where have the past two weeks gone? I swear it feels like it just vanished! I had big plans for this past week. A long list of things that I needed to get done. How many have been completed and marked off the list? Maybe 5 things...it was such a long list too! Oh well...



I've gone a little crazy this week...pumpkin crazy! I've never bought so many pumpkins at one time. I'm planning to save seeds from each one and plant pumpkins everywhere next year.



The witch and cats were made by my granddaddy many, many moons ago. He used to set up holiday displays for every holiday, BIG displays. There are pictures somewhere of them, I need to find them and make copies. I remember them when I was a child, I loved them! I think it's time to paint them again...



I'm so glad it is October. The weather for the first part was perfect...highs in the 60's and lows in the 40's. My windows have been open ever since. I love this autumn fresh air. Unfortunately the temps I moved back up into the high 80's the past few days and will stay there until later this week. I'm really looking forward to the cooler weather returning.



I'm off tomorrow for my second opinion with another neurologist. It is in a town about an hour from me and I'm taking advantage of it and going to lunch at a restaurant there. It's a small old home cooking restaurant and is supposed to be really good. I'm always up for good old fashioned southern cuisine...so... :)



This will probably be my last post for a few days, maybe longer. I'm scheduled for surgery on Tuesday and have no idea when I'll be able to get back on the computer. I'm getting really nervous and scared. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive though. At least I'm decorated for Halloween! All I'll have to do is carve the pumpkin(s) and get the candies for giving out.

I hope you are all enjoying your autumn days. I've been keeping up with all my favorite blogs (shockingly that is over 300!) For obvious reasons I won't be participating in all the upcoming blog parties, but I'll be visiting to see what you wonderful, creative lovelies come up with!

And while I'm thinking about it, I just want to say a big THANKYOUSOMUCH to all of you that read my blog, comment or email me with your thoughts. It is so nice, this blog world, meeting people you would never get to meet otherwise and experiencing that there are people in the world who can care and share with others. Such kind and generous souls I've met through this place. I can't say thank you enough. I honestly don't know if I could have made it this long without you.

blessings
~*~

ps...if you feel so inclined and wouldn't mind maybe lighting a candle or saying a prayer for me on Tuesday morning, I'd be forever grateful! thankyouso! :)

farmers market wednesday

it took me three days to get through all the practical magic blog party participants list. it was so much fun and i really loved it. i wasn't that happy with my post, but all those lovely comments that were left for me made me feel much better about it.

yesterday was a beautiful fall day but i never got any pictures. rain moved in early this morning and has been a steady visitor along with a very cool 65 degrees. it is fabulous! but the rain does prevent me from working in the garden, which had been on today's agenda, so i hied myself off to the local farmer's market in town as i hadn't been in it feels like ages!
i picked up some yummy yellow squash, a nice bunch of basil, a pretty hunk of ginger (which i plan to tincture) and some lovely apples -all of which i didn't photograph...

i also picked up these


and this lovely was waiting just for me...

my first pumpkin - i'll be heading out in the next day or so to the big farmers market on the outskirts of town hunting more pumpkins... i've loved watching Vanessa's pumpkin growing odyssey over this summer and have decided to collect as many pumpkins as i can and save the seeds in hopes of having my own magic pumpkin garden next year...

in other news, my leave from work has been extended indefinitely. my doctor wrote me out "until further notice" so there is no return date looming over me. honestly, part of me is very worried about this - but only because of the financial aspect of it. the other part, the part that doesn't miss the stress, the games and the bs is well...thrilled. i have no idea how this will all work out but i'm determined to not stress out over it. i'm determined to have faith that i am exactly where i'm supposed to be and that all i need will be provided for me. i am remembering this word and what it means.

i'm going to head off for now, i have many things i've been working on this week and need to get back to them...
blessings
~*~

practical magic

"he will hear my call from a mile away, he will whistle my favorite song, he can ride a pony backwards..."



"he can flip pancakes in the air and he will be marvelously kind..."



his favorite shape will be a star..."







"Sometimes I feel there is a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear you could probably hear the ocean."





"I have this dream of being whole, of not going to sleep each night wanting. But...still, sometimes when the wind is warm or the crickets sing, I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen..."





{many thanks to Anna and Justina for hosting this fabulous party!}

different...

that is what i thought my life would be... in oh so many ways...

most recently, i thought the leave of absence from work would make for a very different approach to life. i had imagined that if i wasn't spending all my energy trying to make it through the work day, i'd be able to use that energy for creative endeavors...

apparently, i was wrong...

i wish i could say that i had started writing again or drawing or maybe even re-organizing the studio so that i could get in there and create something...anything. But i haven't.

The only creative thing i've done in the past two weeks was knit on a scarf, make a few meals and bake up some pumpkin bread. i did work in the garden a little last week and get the yard mowed. and there have been lots of books (all ones i've read before) and a few movies. but that is truly the extent of how i have spent my time. i spend a lot of time online, reading blogs and being amazed at all that you wonderful souls do... and there is a lot of time wasted on facebook playing vampire wars or farming...i really need to delete that account.

i feel like i'm in a funk again, one that i don't know how to get out of. three weeks from today i'm having surgery again, to put a stint in my head. the pains are not receding at all, and at times feel worse than ever.

i can't go out and go thrifting (which i've been inspired to do by many of you), i can't purchase any new books so that i can have something new to entertain my mind and i can't go find buy any of the new halloween decor that i see in commercials or online. i saw a cake stand at target that i would love to have, but cannot spend on it as i don't have the funds.

the past two nights - within an hour of having dinner - my blood sugars have plummeted and i don't know why. last night was down to 60 but the night before was a 49...it scared me. i was so pale and shaking so badly. i have to figure out what is going on, because if my blood sugar isn't under control they won't do the surgery.

i've just re-read this post and am really not even sure why i'm posting it...but this is my life and what i have to share...

hopefully something better will be on the horizon. (at least there is the Practical Magic Blog Party to look forward to...)

ramblings

Change has definitely come to my house. The angiogram went well. The only problem I had was that they failed to mention prior to discharge that I couldn't be alone for 24 hours and I ended up having to stay at my mum's. Alone...as she had a bridge game scheduled and couldn't cancel it. Ugh! The procedure did confirm a narrowing of one of the veins. It also showed I have a condition called fibromuscular dysplasia in both of my carotid arteries. They said it shouldn't cause me any additional issues and was something they see a lot in women. I saw my regular neurologist a week after the procedure and he took me out of work. Today is my first official day of medical leave. He's signed me out until October 10th and we will see how I'm doing during this time. I see him again at the end of September and he is likely to extend my leave if there has been no improvement.

It is a very strange feeling to know that I do not have to go to work and that I don't have to feel guilty about not being there. Part of me had hoped that the freedom from the stress of my job would prove to be a miracle and set me free from the migraines. That didn't happen. I'm still having them, as frequently and painfully as ever. It is just nice to know that I don't have to endure the added pain of putting on the brave face. If I feel horrible, I can lie back down until I feel better. I can sit on the back deck in the early morning coolness and think my thoughts and dream my dreams. I can ... dare I say it... relax.

Yes, there is the stress of no income coming in currently. I'm not yet certain how I will manage the bills next month. But this month's bills are paid, there is a full tank of gas in the car and plenty of food in the cupboards and fridge. I'm not going to let myself worry...I am divinely guided and protected at all times. :)

I meet with the radio-neurologist tomorrow to go over the next procedure (the pressure test/possible stint insertion) and to set the date. I'm hoping they will fit me in soon as I'd like to get it over with as soon as possible. I'm even hoping to ask if they can schedule it while my mum is on an out of town trip so I won't have to fight with her about where I'm staying after it is over. :)

This past Saturday I took myself off to the farmers market and picked up some more peaches, green beans, squash and zucchini. I didn't get many green beans, but I went ahead and blanched and froze them for later in the year. I'm going to work on the peaches today and tomorrow. There is only about two weeks left to get them local before the season is over and I'd like to sock some more away before the season is over, as well as more green beans.

Apple season is starting to kick in and I have plans to make an apple pie in the next day or so. Perhaps some apple bread as well. I haven't ever tried to freeze apples, but I may try it this year. I know I'm going to make homemade applesauce as it is much better for me than the store bought.

On Saturday after a bit of shopping and errand running, I decided to work on a project that I'd been wanting to tackle for a while. I took this...



and turned it into this...



I'm not sure if I'm going to leave it like this or just paint it completely white. After I took this photo, I saw a little spot I'd missed and will need to touch up. This is my first attempt at turning something into something else. I have another piece I want to paint. It is a simple light wood plant stand. I'm torn between painting it white or the light blue that I used in the little table above. (It was exterior paint that I had left over from the porch ceiling. I'm actually thinking of repainting the front door this color as the blue that I picked and had painted on the door is much darker than what I originally wanted. Still thinking about that though...

Well, enough of my ramblings for now. I'm off to start a new book and maybe start on those peaches. The nice thing is, that if I don't feel like working the peaches today, there is always tomorrow...

blessings
~*~

Change is in the air...

there's a change coming... can you feel it?



i know fall will be here soon... it has to be... even though our local temps are supposed to spend the week in the mid 90's.

there are other changes too... another test tomorrow which may reveal some answers... hopefully...

then by the end of the week a really big change. i am not ready to share what it is yet, but i will... this year has been so full of change. through it all i've tried to remember this word ...sometimes with more success than other times...

i'm looking forward to the cooler weather...hopefully i'll be able to get out in the garden a bit when the weather turns, getting it ready for it's winter sleep. i don't plan to plant anything for fall, but rather get as much ready so i can plant in the spring. i still need to pull up the little white fencing i had placed around it to keep the beast out of the garden. i went out friday around dusk to see if there was any to be harvested and ended up getting my foot caught in the between space of the posts and fell pretty hard. nothing broken, thank the goddess, but lots of bruises and scratches.



i'm still trying to do little things to keep my spirits up as best i can. yesterday i went to herbal class, i hadn't been in months, but it felt good to be with like-minded women and work with herbs again. this morning i put together a ginger oil. i've tried making ginger honey before, but it didn't turn out so this time i'm trying an oil and am doing it a little different. i'll let you know how it turns out in about six weeks.

i think i'm off to play in the kitchen now, i feel a need to make banana bread (don't like letting bananas go bad) and i've been ruminating on trying a peach bread. what do you think? i have a lot of peaches and i am not a cobbler fan so i thought maybe a bread? we shall see i suppose...

enjoy your day...

blessings
~*~

things i've seen lately...

blessings
~*~

the ordeal

It seems like forever since I've posted. But it's only been a few days really. I've had so much running through my mind that I wanted to post about, but have not been able to find the time or energy.

Remember that test I went for? Well... that was not fun, let me tell ya. I ended up with the positional headaches that they mentioned were a possible side effect. I spent that Saturday and Sunday lying down. On Monday morning I felt like I needed to try to make an effort to go to work and when I got up to feed the kids, there wasn't too much pain so I went ahead and went in. Within about 10 minutes of getting in the car, the pain came back and the longer I sat/stood the worse it got. After an hour at work, I called the Dr and they had me come right in for a blood patch. Basically they draw blood from your arm and then insert it into the area where they did the lumbar puncture so it can clot over the hole and my spine would quit leaking fluid. That procedure caused serious pain in my back and rear-end (pain that has yet to recede). Then I was put on bed rest for 72 hours. Fun...

Anyway, they found that I have elevated cerebral pressure in my skull. More tests (MRA and MRV) revealed that I have a vein in my skull that is narrowed and is causing the blood to not flow out as it should. They also did another brain MRI and found several of the veins in my skull are "extremely prominent". I have no idea what that means. They've now scheduled me for an angiogram at the end of the month to verify for certain that the vein has narrowed. If it has then it will be tested to see what the pressure difference is and then possibly put in a stint to keep it open. I still have lots of tests and procedures to go through but my neurologist is happy that he might have found the cause of the migraines. Of course, he is prefacing everything he says with ..."it may not change the headaches" but he's at least trying.

New meds have created red welts on my face and I've finally hit my limit of what I'll take. It's been 7 months now and not a single medicine that he's prescribed that I have ingested has been of any relief. I'm planning to speak with him tomorrow about allowing me to go off the meds completely. I'm so confused all the time. I've taken to carrying around a pad and pen so that I can write down anything I think so I don't forget to do things. I'm messing up badly at work and it is just well... too much.

Then losing my poor beastie. I'm honestly amazed that I'm still sane. Well, slightly sane I suppose! :)

I have many other ideas for posts and hopefully soon I'll be posting about something not nearly as boring as my health. :/

blessings
~*~

a quick post

I'm sorry for not being around the past week. Everything has just been overwhelming and between my health and trying to work, I'm left with little time for fun things...like blogging or even reading blogs.

I so appreciate every kind word and thought that you shared with me over the hard decision I had to make last weekend. It was absolute torture, but I know that I did the right thing for him. I still miss him like crazy and sometimes just breakdown and cry about it. I'd like to share my experience with you all but I'm not up to writing about it today. I'll be sure to post a warning at the beginning or in the title so if you don't want to read about it you won't have to. :)

I hope you are all doing well and I plan to get around to some blog reading catch up time today so will be stopping in to see you and find out how things are in your corner of the world.

blessings
~*~

time to say goodbye

i've been in tears for about the past 12 hours...i realized last night that the time has come...i have to let my beastie boy go... i can see the pain in his eyes, i watch as he stumbles and falls and spends 10 minutes just trying to stand upright and then is frozen in fear of falling again...

i can't take it anymore...he doesn't deserve to suffer so i won't make him...now all i have to do is figure out how to say goodbye in the few hours we have left together...

blessings
~*~

Giveaway Winner

Well the time has come! Time to announce the winner of my first ever giveaway. I thought and thought of what would be a good and fun way to select the winner. I thought about trying to get one of my cats to do it, but I figured they'd just eat the paper. Then I thought maybe a dart board...but I don't have one of those. :-)

Sometime during last night, the answer hit me. Tarot!! I decided to user the major arcana cards to select the winner.



I shuffled them up several times...

then spread them out as I would for a reading...



I let the energy guide me and pulled this card...



that means our winner is... thatlittlehouse!

Congratulations! The Representative from CSN will contact you soon on how to collect your prize! I hope you'll find something you can enjoy.

Thanks to all of you that entered. This was pretty fun! I already have an idea for another giveaway and will keep you posted.

blessings
~*~

Giveaway Reminder

Just a note to remind you that today is the last day to enter the CSN Stores $80 gift card giveaway. Click the link here for the details and be sure to leave your entry comment on that post.

You have until the clock strikes midnight tonight. :)

Winner will be announced sometime tomorrow.

blessings
~*~

Lughnassadh

It has be a very lovely cool and overcast day here. A day that makes me think of the coming autumn and wish even more for its arrival. I have read some lovely sentiments on many blogs about Lughnassadh or Lammas. Today has been spent mostly resting although a bit of work did creep in for several hours. I keep thinking about the things in my life that I need to remember to be grateful for and to not take advantage of them.
Do you have something you are particularly grateful for this Lughnassadh?



Brightest Lughnassadh blessings to you all...

blessings
~*~

*photo taken on Lughnassadh 2009

coming to you live from the...

...horizontal position...

that's right. i'm horizontal. :) i've been horizontal since 9am yesterday morning. sure, i can get up and get vertical for a few minutes for things like, well...bathroom breaks and feeding the kids. otherwise..horizontal is my life

do any of you know how hard it is to type whilst lying down? i didn't realize until this. hope i don't make too many typos

the lumbar puncture went well yesterday, wasn't nearly as bad as i was expecting. it was a bit painful but i did fine. the radiologist said that i do have elevated pressure in the spinal fluid/column/whatevertheyweremeasuring but he didn't know if it was enough to be causing my problem. he said the doc would get the report and get back to me (hopefully this coming week)...they collected about 6 small vials of the fluid to send off for tests but he couldn't or maybe wouldn't tell me what tests would be run.

after the procedure i was sent to recovery to rest for several hours and for some reason while i was lying there in the dark, i broke down and started to just bawl. i don't know what triggered it. i wasn't in any more pain than usual, but something just needed to be let out i suppose.

the rest of the day and night was uneventful. there isn't too much excitement to be had when one is told to lie still for hours and hours. to pass the time i tried to catch up on my blog reading and even watched practical magic on my laptop. i haven't a tv in my bedroom so movies on the laptop it is.

i woke this morning around 6 and slowly got up to feed the kids. there wasn't any pain more than i'm used to when i sat and then stood up so i took that as a good sign. however when bending over to put down the kids food bowls for them, i felt excruciating pains in my head. i worked as quickly as possible then we all went back to bed

a few hours later i woke and when i got up to use the facilities i discovered that the curse of the lumbar side effects had hit me. in addition to my usual migraine pain i have what the doctors called a positional headache. basically if i'm lying flat, it isn't there, but when i try to get to a vertical position, well...back comes the excruciating stabbing pains. i was told that if i got one of these to lay back down for 24 hours and if it is still around after the additional 24 that i'm to call radiology and will have to go back to have a "blood patch". oh and to drink lots and lots of caffine...ugh...

so i've lain here all morning, unable to go back to sleep, but so tired of trying to look at the computer from the side. my mum and brother came by earlier and worked on my yard for me so most of the jungle in the back is gone and the front looks quite lovely (i peaked out when i last got up for a facilities break). it is nice and cool out today according to the weather channel website and oh how i wish i could open my windows and get some cool air...but i haven't the strength nor vertical fortitude right now :) we are to get some thunderstorms later today and i'm quite looking forward to listening to the rain falling

well i must toddle off for now...i can't wait to be able to take pictures again...my posts seem so boring without photos

there are still a few days to enter the CSN stores gift card giveaway. there is a link at the top of the right hand sidebar. i mean who couldn't use a free $80 to spend right? :)

have a wonderful day
blessings
~*~

nerves of steel

yeah... right.. :)

I'll admit it. I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I have to be at hospital at 9am. I'm allowed no food or drink after midnight tonight. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow and so am quite worried. But I am making myself believe that everything will go well and maybe we will even figure out what is causing the migraines.

The annual craziness has begun at work. I've been working 10 hour days with no lunch or breaks. It will be like this through the month of August and the beginning of September. With all the take home work I'll probably work at least 60 hours a week and probably more. I have no idea how this is going to work with all these migraines.

Anyway, did you see the button on the top left of my blog? There's a blog party in September in honor of Practical Magic. I'm so excited and have already started planning my party. I hope you'll join me for a magical time.

I managed to make my way out to the garden tonight to check it out and found squash as big as my forearm and okra as long as my foot (I wear a size 7). There were lots of ripe tomatoes but all but one had already been enjoyed. Why do the animals insist on eating half a tomato and the leave the rest of it? Why not eat the whole thing? I ended up using my one tomato and bell pepper for dinner. I made fajitas and used a jalapeno from the garden too.

I think that's about all my brain can conjure to blog about tonight. I really hope I can get a good nights sleep tonight.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway! There is a link at the top of the right sidebar. If this goes well, I will host more giveaways in the future. :)

Depending on how tomorrow goes I may not be around this weekend. But I'll be back in time for the drawing on the 4th. Have a great weekend.

blessings
~*~

decorating and a surprise

so sorry for the downer post yesterday. stuff has built up in my mind and i just needed to get it out of there, you know? i've had so much time that i've spent in my house, mostly lying down because of the pain, i've been thinking about doing some redecorating. i know...last summer i had almost the whole house redone...so i'm not talking about painting the walls or refinishing the floors...all that has been done.

i'm talking about redecorating with furniture/pictures, etc. one of the first things i want to do is change up my bedroom furniture. i have a mission style walnut colored bedroom set that has a queen bed, two nightstands and a dresser with mirror. i'm seriously considering painting them white. i think i need something lighter than the walnut. the furniture is about 10 years old and is made by Bassett so it is good furniture and just wouldn't make sense to get rid of it. but it would be okay to paint it...right? :)

if you were shopping for a new bed? what kind would it be? if i could buy new furniture i'd get something like this.

now as a thank you for hanging in with me during the difficult months and debbie downer posts i have a surprise for you...

are you curious?

well...here it is...

i'm having a giveaway (my first and hopefully not my last)

CSN stores is offering to my readers an $80 gift certificate which can be used in any of their 200+ stores. doesn't that sound great?!

Here are the rules to be entered in the giveaway:

-click on the first link above and check out the bedroom furniture.

-come back here and leave a comment on this post telling me which bed is your favorite.

-for an additional entry, mention this giveaway on your blog and leave a separate comment on this post.

-and if you'd like to have a third entry, check out the CSN Stores and leave me a comment on what you might use the gift certificate on if you won (just cause I'm curious!)

-giveaway will end at midnight on August 3rd. I'll draw a winner (probably from a hat as I've never used those random number generators) and posted on August 4th.

- please be sure that your profile or comment contains your email address so i can contact you to let you know you've won.

Now for the fine print: This contest is open to US and Canadian readers (sorry to those in other areas!). If you choose to purchase an item that does not have free shipping, you will be responsible for shipping costs. If you are in Canada, there may be International fees that you will be responsible for. You must be 18 to enter.

Good luck to everyone!

blessings
~*~

a little of this and a little of that

(warning...this post may be quite on the wonky side and possibly more than a little morose...don't feel you must read on, i won't be offended...) :)

I'm still here and hanging on. I've wanted to post and have been doing pretty well keeping up with all my blog reading, but just haven't known what to say.

I've had several opportunities open to me lately. I had to drop out of my herbal studies due to finances, but the teacher (a good friend) offered to let me continue on at no charge. I've tried, but missed too many classes and now am so behind I just don't see the point in continuing.

Another opportunity was from the lovely Sarah offering up her Let Fly e-course at no charge this go round. I joined up and have been trying to participate. I'm a little behind, but plan to dedicate more time to it and get caught up. I can't let this opportunity pass me by. I even had another opportunity to take a workshop with a woman from my state who is quite renowned in the women's spirituality circles. I made it through the first half before I had to leave due to a severe migraine.

On the health front, my neurologist is ready to give up and is referring me to another neurologist out of town. The good days have been few and very far between. The meds that my neurologist has had me on over the past six months have really messed me up. I'm either so tired that I sleep through my alarm which is going off for over an hour...or I can't sleep at all, for days. As a last ditch effort to find some physical cause for the migraines, he has me scheduled for a spinal tap this coming Friday. I'm not the happiest puppy in the pound right now. He says he's willing to continue treating me but he just doesn't know what to do for me. We've been through over 17 different meds and not a single one has relieved the pain. So the tap is to test the fluid in my brain and also to check the pressure of that fluid. I can't decide if I want them to find something or if I want it to come back normal. I just don't know how to function with this constant pain and no known cause for it. My neurologist is also talking about taking me out of work and putting me on disability. Two months with no pay and then only half my usual monthly income after that. I don't know how I could possibly get by.

On top of all that is the fact that my gardens have become a jungle. My house looks like a tornado has blown through. And I seem to have lost my mojo. No...really...I no longer can connect with spirits like I used to. I can't seem to feel anything in regards to the energy of spirits or even other people. It is driving me to distraction.

I'm also having to begin considering the fate of my beloved boy. My big old boy, the beast. He is getting poorly so quickly now it is breaking my heart. He can't see in the dark any more or even with low light. He can't hear me call him either. I have to go to him and guide him to wherever I want him to go. He's breathing heavily almost all the time, as if he's just run a long way or is sitting out in the hot summer heat for a long time. (I keep the house at 72 day and night mostly to keep him cool.) And now his legs are giving out on him. When he tries to stand up, his back legs just slide right out from under him on most every occasion and he's developed a terrible limp in his front legs. And every couple of days, he poops while he's asleep. Ick.

Wow, writing all that down really shows me just how bad off he is. I don't think he's happy anymore. He seems so sad all the time and I'm afraid I will soon have to make a decision that I just don't know how to make. When my poor Jade left me, it all happened so quickly. One day she was fine and the next, she was ready to leave. I could see how much pain she was in, she could barely breathe and while it was a very difficult decision to make, it seemed more merciful to not make her suffer any longer. With the beast, I just can't tell. I keep telling myself that I'll know when it is time, but I don't ever want it to be time and I'm afraid that is affecting my judgement.

So...are you depressed yet? I am. I know that part of my problems lately are stemming from depression. But I also know that the migraines are not being caused by depression. I'm trying to think of happy things. I have a trip or two coming up in the fall. I'm going back to my much loved New Orleans. I'll also be taking a trip back to the mountains. I'm looking forward to these things and trying to use them to help me get through the upcoming month of chaos and pressure that will be my job. August is a crazy month at work and somehow I have to find the strength and will to get through it.

I can tell you one thing I'm really looking forward to. Check out the button on the top left of my blog. The lovely Justina and Anna are hosting a "Practical Magic" blog party on September 25th. I'm so excited about this! Practical Magic is one of my favorite books and is definitely my favorite movie! I'll be participating in this blog party. I'm already planning in my head the things I want to do. So head on over and sign up if you are a fan and want to participate...or just go back on September 25th and check out the parties!

blessings
~*~

renew, regroup, retry

after a lousy week at work and a plethora of migraine days, i took off with some friends for a mountain holiday getaway...



the weekend was spent eating good food - that i didn't have to cook, getting lots of hugs and kisses from my littlest friends, watching fireworks, walks around the lake and even a seance or two...



little girl and little boy laughter is a wonderful balm to the soul and the love from good friends - adults, teens and toddlers - heals in so many ways...

the weekend was a chance to renew my soul, to think about my life and how to regroup it to be what i truly want and an opportunity to retry things that used to come easy to me, but have been taken for granted or neglected all together...

teaching star light, star bright to my littlest playmates was such a wonderful experience, watching them repeat the words in earnest and blowing kisses to the stars to carry their wishes to the universe (their idea) was so very magical...

i came home yesterday to a heat wave...it is so hot outside that just stepping out the door for a moment is overwhelming... however the garden needed checking and tending this afternoon, so i put on my garden shoes...



and headed to the garden to water...



this is causing part of the problem...


not a cloud to be found... we desperately need some rain...

but i did find a few things that were ready to come in...



i'm hoping to rid myself of this latest migraine and head back to work tomorrow. i have a lot of thinking still to do, decisions to make as to my life and work and my health...
i hope you had a wonderful 4th if you live in or are from the US and if not that you had a great weekend.
blessings
~*~

It's a Mad Day!

Head on over here for a very unbirthday tea party. Then visit all the others who are hosting their own party.

Wishing you a magical, mad full moon day!
blessings
~*~