maybe it's true...

ten years ago, one of my neurologists suggested that my severe chronic headaches and migraines were a result of ptsd.  when he said this, i laughed and denied that i'd had the kind of trauma in my life that would cause ptsd.  he sent me to a psychiatrist to be tested/examined for ptsd.

after meeting with the psychiatrist several times, he said i definitely did not have ptsd.  

now, all these years later, i think the psychiatrist was wrong.

i didn't tell either of them everything.  i never do.  

i keep a lot to myself, having learned early in life that telling things has consequences.  there are some things i just don't discuss.  ever.

i've been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  i've always had nightmares, insomnia, memories that overwhelm me, but that all has been getting worse lately.  

anger and i are closely acquainted.  i get so angry, sometimes, about the simplest and (i've been told) most ridiculous things.  and my emotions jump around so much that at one point i was diagnosed bi-polar (only to be told later by a different doctor that i was not bi-polar).

i cry all the time.  silly little things like hallmark commercials can make me cry.  this morning, i looked at my phone and saw a headline that an actor i adore had passed away and i've been fighting tears. 

i always thought the emotional rollercoaster was from being an empath.

now i wonder... is it ptsd?  

i saw somewhere something about complex ptsd not long ago and looked it up.

i could tick off every single symptom.

here is what set me off on this today.  in the post, i received a hand written letter from a person in the nearest town that i don't know.  when i opened it i found a two page letter about how i need to get right with jesus and god.  it included writings from revelations and a pamplet for the jehovahs witnesses.

my first instinct upon realizing that a complete stranger had written to me like this was to put her in the freezer or to put her in a jar. 

my second, was to find her number, call her up and lay into her about it.  i mean, i don't go knocking on strangers doors telling them they are going to hell if they don't get saved. (or sending them letters of same) - this action, btw, is one of my biggest issues with "christianity", but that is another post for another day

my third inclination was to write her back telling her how i feel about her rude and presumptive letter.

after a few minutes of venting my anger (a LOT of anger) in my head about her and her letter, i tore it into little pieces, along with the pamphlet and threw them in the trash.

so why did this (misguided, but I'm sure well intention-ed) woman's letter set me off so badly?  it brought back memories of an abusive relative who would write me letters filled with biblical quotes and telling me how i was satan's child and would burn in hell for eternity and all sorts of deliciousness like that...and how they couldn't associate with me as i would corrupt them... (btw - those letters were not the abuse they perpetrated, just the second rate form later in life)

so...now i'm wondering what to do.  i have had enough of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists to last a life time.  seriously, more of my life has been spent in therapy than out of it.

but things are getting very much out of hand.  i fly off the handle at people for inexcusable reasons.  i've pretty much cut everyone out of my life (this was not helped by pandemic year) and am starting to get scared of myself. i cry for hours at a time and the headaches... well...i don't know how much more of this pain i can stand.  

honestly, this wasn't the post i'd planned for...

i don't even know why i'm writing all this...

just my way of asking the universe for help i suppose...

thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

 

 

 

collector...

 

i cleaned up the dining area last week.  it felt so good to get it done.  the table and benches had collected a large assortment of things from other places in the house and things that needed to be seen to or disposed of in some way.  so nice to have it cleared and peaceful.

over the last few days i've been going through one of my email accounts and cleaning house there too.  i had emails as far back as 2009.  i found several that were between myself and my former bff.  re-reading them was both painful and freeing.  And deleting them...empowering.

i am a collector.  i've always been a collector.  until the age of seven i had two rooms in our house and both were full of things.  (yes, i was a bit spoiled, but i was the only girl child/grandchild on both sides of the family so was gifted a lot of things.)  i had oodles of toys and books.  but what i really liked was collecting rocks and feathers and dirt and shells.

i'm trying to let a little bit of that collector mentality go.  i swear i got my "keep it, it might come in handy later, i can use it for something" gene from my paternal grandfather.  he kept EVERYTHING!  i'm not that bad... not yet.

i have two (maybe it's three) storage tubs of photos, award plaques, etc., that belonged to one of my maternal great aunts.  i would love to find any relatives of her husband (my great uncle) and give them the old photos (some of his parents) but i don't know if there are any left.   i've had a few ideas on how to re-purpose those plaques, but haven't tried it yet.

i've lots of old things from my maternal grandparents and of course, i still collect sticks and stones, roots and bones, feathers and water too...

every so often, i become overwhelmed with despair over all my things...

who will want them, i think.  what's to become of them... i have no children, nor nieces or nephews and am estranged from everyone in my family except for my mum, brother and sister-in-law.  when this overwhelm happens, i tell myself that it will be fine.  my brother and sis-in-law have been warned not to just throw everything out or i will haunt them (and not in a good way) for eternity.

for now, i will slowly make my way through all my possessions and clean and clear as i can.  i'm thinking about putting together some paper scraps for art making and giving them away.  i have so much paper that i've saved from various things to be used in my arting.  so... much...

anywho...that's what i've been up to lately.  how about you?  are you a collector?  what is your favorite thing to collect?

thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

10 things...

 

 

-- it's a grey, cloudy, rainy day; and i love it...

-- it's cool enough i can open the windows and listen to the rain fall and birds sing, autumn holds my heart... 

-- studio time is filling my soul right now, art journaling and mushroom repair...

-- i'm thinking of turning last night's journal spread into canvas or board... i'd love to hang some hope on the wall...

-- i need to find a desk - my studio table is not an option and the LAPtop is just not cutting it... so if i can ever make myself hit the thrift/antique/barnsale/fleamarket gig again, a desk is top of my list (of course where the hell would i set it up, is another question, for another day) 

-- i re-read a few of my old blog posts, some of the most read ones...reading them i realized i'm a better writer than i've let myself believe

-- i'm tired.  no really, i'm T I R E D.  always...no matter how much/well my sleep is, or hydrated i am or anything, i'm always exhausted.  like falling in the floor exhausted.  i should probably look into that, but who do i ask?

-- i miss blog tea parties...(and i missed an opportunity for one a few weeks ago)

-- night strolls at dusk are my magic, right now...

-- the search is on for my dream home...which means i've got serious wanderlust happening... 

 

so...how are you?

thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~ 

again...really?

 

If you notice the time I published this post, you're probably thinking I got an early start to the day.  Well...

 

Nope.  

The insomnia fairie is visiting.  Again.  She was just here on Saturday.  

(Bitch needs to find a new place to hang)

so...sleep... 

I tried.  I really did.  

But after 5 hours of laying there, tossing and turning, I gave up.  And got up.

Now, don't think I lay in bed the entire 5 hours I was trying to sleep.  Oh no.  Not me.

After the first hour and a half, I got up for a drink of water and found two slugs in my kitchen around the sink.  Yep.  Slugs.  Ugh.  This is the 2nd time I've found slugs there.  They were relocated to the outside premises.  

I also told them to tell their friends the kitchen is CLOSED to their kind.  Yep, I'm being specie-ist about it.  My kitchen is HUMANS only.  

Anywho... after the slug removal (and wiping down of the counters - cause...eww) I worked on my current knitting wip.  Which I have taken to calling the sweater with no end.  Well only in my head.  And now here.  

Ahem.

I worked on that for about a half hour then tried the sleeping thing again.

No go.

After 45 minutes, I spent a little time scrolling my IG feed.

Then another sleep try.  

Nope.

I got up and walked the house a few times.

Then I tried again.  I counted sheep (does that work for anyone?), I wrote this blog post in my head (and that version was more concise, go figure), I periodically turned on the twinkle lights to jot down whatever errand, recipe, idea, or thought that needed to be remembered.  As soon as the words were down, lights out. 

But...

Nope.  No go.  No sleep for me.  (said like the soup guy from Seinfeld - not that I watched many episodes but I remember that one).

So, I'm out of bed for the day.  (Since 4am.)

I've done my morning pages.  Made my grocery list of the things I forgot at the 2 grocers I went to yesterday. Checked a recipe I want to try to see if I needed anything from the store (see what I did there), checked my email, checked my other email, checked yet another email and looked for anything new in my art groups on FB.  Oh and I caught up on my blog reading feed - which was only 1 post.  (I'm surprisingly caught up!)

So I thought...too early to go for a walk - why not blog!

Since I am and it was all wordy and such I decided the photo would be one you haven't already seen from my New Mexico trip last year.  (Unless you've been on my computer and looked through the 700+ photos I took.)  You haven't, have you? 

At this moment 1 year ago today, I was at the airport going through security.  I'm pretty sure I was sleepless then too.  But I had a little lorazepam in my system to help with the flying jitters. So, yeah.

So that's how my day is going.  How about you?

How do you soothe yourself to sleep if you have insomnia?  Tea? Warm bath? Cold shower? Wild sex? Drugs?

Tell me... I really wanna know... maybe your remedy will work for me. 

Thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

ps...I've noticed that the photos in the new format of blogger show up much larger than the old.  What do you think?  Are they too big?  Do you prefer the smaller photos or the larger?  Thanks for your input.  xoxo

journey through the window...

 

 

 My favorite journey is looking out the window.

                            ~ Edward Gorey

I can't remember where I stumbled upon this quote, but it made me think about the things I've seen through windows.  Since I spend so much time inside, due to my health, I thought it would be interesting to see what things I tend to notice through the windows of my world.

I had a lot of fun looking through all my digital photos.  I was surprised at how many were window views.  For simplicity sake I'll just make a list below of what they are/represent.

1 - view from my hotel room on my first trip to Cancun (2006?)

2 - view from a bus ride in Cancun (2007 - my second trip)

3 - view from the living room window to the front porch of my little cottage with the blue door (I sure do miss that porch and house)

4 - view from the driver's seat of my car on the roads near Antietam during my first Red Thread Retreat

5 - view from the door of the little cottage with the blue door watching a bird bathing

6 - view from the car on a Red Thread Retreat road trip

7 - view from the back door of the little cottage with the blue door of one of the bunnies that lived in the back garden

8 - view from the car of an old country driveway

9 - view from the backseat of sunrise on a road trip to New Orleans

10 - view from the plane on the way home from my second trip to Cancun

 

I found so many photos (and they brought back many great memories) that I'm probably going to do another post like this.  I didn't want to overwhelm with too many photos in one post.

What journeys have you taken through your window?

thanks for stopping by for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

a thank you...

I had a lovely surprise last week.  I received an email that I'd won Heather's Tasha Tuesday giveaway for that week.  I was so excited!  

After a few bad days, pain wise, I stepped out to get the mail today and found a package had arrived.  Look at the beautiful gifts!  I've always loved Heather's art and have an original painting hanging in my bedroom.  I'm hoping to add more of her art to my collection.  I love the card of her painting of Tasha and the little corgis. In addition there was a gorgeous scarf.  The colors are so lovely (and not really photographed very well) and I love the pattern.

Thank you Heather so much for this wonderful gift!  I love it so much.  I'm already searching through my stash to see if I have a frame to use for the card.  I can't wait to hang it up.

If you like folk art, or Tasha Tudor, head over to Heather's blog.  She is such a sweet and talented lady.  I've been following her blog for years and just love reading about the things she does and makes.

Thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

realigning...

The original title of this post was 'faffing' but I looked it up to be sure I had the meaning and discovered I was completely off.  I've seen it used on Instagram (a British word I think) and thought I understood the context as being to mess around with things to get them just so.  I guess what I was thinking about was what Americans call 'fussing' with something.  Faffing apparently is messing around with things that don't mean anything instead of doing what needs done.

Anywho...I guess we will call what I've been doing...fussing.  Even though I don't like that word.  I'll have to search for a word that I like.  Basically what I've been up to these last few days is cleaning little spots and moving things around to my best liking.  Not exactly re-arranging.  

Not honing, or decorating, or furbishing... maybe realigning is the best word for it.  Finding little things and adjusting them so they bring me joy.  There...that sounds right.

The top photo is of a corner in my kitchen.  The empty jar is usually filled with tootsie pops (I'm so addicted!) but I'm thinking of putting some of my shell collection in there or some colored glass.  I love that little corner.

Yesterday, I worked in my bedroom, washing the linens and adding my new (to me) old sheets I acquired from an account on IG (search shopbedrose).  I love the colors.  And of course, flowers always.  Now to find a new comforter or some old quilts.

So that's what I've been doing since Lughnasadh...realigning.  

I've been opening the blinds.

I've been doing night pages (the same as morning pages). 

I've been soaking in the tub with warm water, a little milk and a few sprinklings of amazing bath salts from Wild in the Woods.  (Her IG feed is MAGIC!)

I've been drinking lots of water.

And I've been taking leisurely strolls through the neighbourhood at dusk.

It's helping...every piece seems to help to realign my inside as well as my outside.

Well, I'm off to stretch my back and see what I can realign today.

Are you 'realigning' anything in your world? And what word would you use to describe it?

I hope you are all doing well.

thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

ps...I seem to be unable to answer/respond to comments. I used to receive them in an email to which I could reply.  Now it comes in as no reply emails.  I'm trying to find a way to respond.  (Any suggestions are appreciated).  Meanwhile, please know that your comments mean the world to me and I enjoy hearing from each of you...  ~*~  

lughnasadh...

August 1st to me is the beginning of Autumn.  There is a change in the way the light falls through the leaves and brings just a hint of autumnal gold.

I used to think that winter was my favorite season, but I'm beginning to realize that Autumn has taken the lead.  

It may still be scorchingly hot and humid here in the south, but cozy sweater and blanket days are on their way. 

I took a stroll through the garden this morning and picked a couple of things and took a few pictures to share. (The last is from a few days ago.)

(This basil is from some old seeds I found in my seed box that Vanessa sent to me over 7 years ago.  I can't believe they were still viable!  She has garden magic, does our sweet Vanessa.)

 Today's harvest.  I feel salad coming on...

I found this little guy playing in the black-eyed susans the other day.  I am so in love with him.  I think you can click on the picture to make it bigger.  Look at those little antenna!

That's it for me today.  If you've been with me for a while, you may know that August is my hard month.  I've opened the blinds a bit today, and have been doing little things around the house to try to keep my spirits up.  And yet, the migraines are worming their way through my brain and starting to take over.

In fact, I have brownies baking in the oven and the house smells like chocolate nirvana.

So tell me...what is your favorite season and what do you love about it?

thanks for stopping in for a read...
love & blessings
~*~