29 January 2013

insomnia and other bits

I have insomnia...again.  My head is apparently so full that it must rage, rant, swirl and dance all day and all night.  Usually I'll just lie in bed and hope for the best, but tonight I just couldn't do it.  The muses have been screaming at me lately and for the most part I've been ignoring them.  I can make all kinds of excuses - I've been sick; my headaches are worse and therefore I can't function well; I've had to help my mum with her new computer, etc., etc., etc.  Really it comes down to a lack of motivation and passion.  I can't find my passion or rather, what I'm passionate about.  When I say passion, I'm really talking about a purpose.  Or maybe a purpose that is a passion.  Maybe that doesn't make sense, but what can I say, it's 2:30 in the morning and my brain is on supreme hyper-drive.

I did try, I lay in bed for an hour or so before getting up.  I decided that I needed to stop hiding in bed or in a book and DO SOMETHING.  Hence, the blue paint on my fingers.  Yes, I've been painting. (I told you the muses were yelling at me)

I have two projects I'm working at right now and should have done for the past week.  But fear is a powerful deterrent to productivity.  I've let my fears of not being good enough, not making something other people will like keep me from making anything at all.  I'm at the end of my online art course and need to complete my final project so that I can receive a critique (fear again).  I also have another project that is kind of a secret, but I it needs completed by 21 Feb.  I have time, I don't feel the need to rush.  I just feel the need to do, preferably at a steady clop.

Other things on my mind are seeds, gardens, veggies, flowers, dirt, birds...do you sense a theme?  After the last couple weeks very cold weather we are to get a couple days of warmth.  Tomorrow is to be quiet lovely and I plan and NEED to be in the gardens working.  Wednesday is to be warm too, but severe storms should be rolling through and the day may not be garden-able.  Yes, I know that doesn't seem to be a word, but I like it.  My seed orders were place over the weekend.  I tried not to overdo and to be reasonable.  There are several plants that I still want to put in this spring, herbs mostly, but I'll pick those up at our annual herb sale at the farmer's market.

 No, I didn't order something from every tab, although I'd like to.  :-)  I ended up ordering from Pinetree and TerritorialTerritorial had a few things that Pinetree didn't.  I really wanted to order from Sow True Seed since they are based in my state, but their prices for the were just over 3 times as much as the others.  Living on disability, I have to try to be careful with my spending and I just couldn't justify it in my head.    I'm really looking forward to getting my seeds and getting seedlings going and gardens planned.

I suppose I've rambled on enough this morning.  I guess I'll go slap some paint on another canvas.  It's my first time working with canvas and I'm quite looking forward to it.

So tell me...are you planning a garden?


ps...blogger is giving me fits and has been for months...it won't let me edit my blog list.  I'm thinking of moving my blog to another location, do you have any recommendations?

21 January 2013

views, art and nonsense

I hadn't meant to be away from the blog for so long, but as you all know, things happen.  The above photo is the view from my studio window this past Friday morning.  You can see the shed in the back, where I hope to have a permanent studio maybe this spring.  I have to figure out what needs to be done to make it happen and then figure how how to get it done.


I've spent a lot of time in the studio.  Making and creating, painting and sketching.  Above is The Lady.  I don't really have a name for her.  She's been in my head for a while so I finally started working on her.  I already see so many things I want to change.  I guess this is just her first incarnation.

 Heat was returned to my home today.  After 4 1/2 days without it.  Last week we had four or five days of nothing but rain and it flooded my crawlspace (just before the snow started on Thursday night) and my furnace ended up under water.  I got by and it wasn't too bad.  Lots of layers, the gas log fireplace, and a little electric heater helped me stay warm enough.  This time has made me realize how desensitized we have become from nature.  I could only imagine what my ancestors felt with just the fire from a fireplace or wood stove.   I still want to live in the country, where I can connect with nature more easily.

Above is the light of the sunrise after the snow.  You can see I never did pick a color for the shed.  I'm still mulling them over actually.  Terrible, isn't it?  Such indecision.  I'm ashamed to admit that all decisions for me go this way.  So often it takes ages before I finally decide on something.  I go back and forth, one way or another for a long time.  There are times, few and far between, that my intuition speaks so loudly I immediately follow whatever it says.    I'm getting better at following my intuition.

The above piece is one I've worked on for my online art class Compose+Yourself.  This class has been a wonderful inspiration to me and I've learned so much.    Sitting at my worktable, even in my very uncomfortable chair, is so much fun.  I can't wait to see what else I can create.  So many ideas running through my head. 

My little cottage is warm again and I feel like life can get back to normal.  I have some everyday chores to do tomorrow.   But I suspect I'll get back in the studio at some point in the next day or so.  I do keep a sketch pad close to hand.  You just never know when you have to get an image out of your head.  :-)

Wednesday is an endo appointment.  I saw the vampires today so they could drink several vials of my blood.  Funny, I didn't remember vampires liking urine though.  Yeah, they collected that too.  Hmmm...is that TMI?  I had a very scary low late this afternoon that I still haven't been able to pinpoint the cause of.  That hasn't happened since I changed meds about a year ago.  Every once in a while though...low.

Alright, I've hit the rambling portion so it is time to say good night.  I believe I'll go get in my cozy bed and hopefully not have nightmares after watching the new show "The Following".  Pretty interesting.  Love James Purefoy.  I've always been a fan of Poe as well.  I can't wait to see where they go with this.

back soon.  no, really, i will...  ;-)


02 January 2013

It's all in how you look at it...

The past few years, I've learned not to make resolutions.  Failing to live up to them, always causes such anguish and self recrimination.  Putting myself down is not something I'm willing to do anymore.

I woke late yesterday, but spent a good half hour on my Wii Fit, doing yoga, strength & balance exercises.  I felt really good about that.  I did well with my eating choices too, until the evening.  For the past several months I've been seriously examining my food choices.  I'm tired of all the junk that I eat.  I want healthy things, actual Food to pass these lips.  I am however a major sugar addict and getting off the sugar train is going to take a lot of strength of will, which seems to be in short supply right now.  I suppose I'm going to have to purge my home of all the "temptations" that lie in the cupboards.

I don't know if it was the exercise or the new book I started reading last night, but insomnia decided to share the bed with me.  It was after 4am before I was able to sleep.  I finally woke, close to noon, with my head completely engulfed in pain.  This is a normal course for me (the head pain - the insomnia hasn't visited in months).  Some days I can move through it and others not so much.  So, today my brain is like the photo above - a jumbled mass of light and dark.

Living with constant pain is very wearying.  It's been over two years since I was taken out of work.  Several more years prior since I've had a day without a spot of pain.  Days like this would normally bring me down emotionally.  I would fall back into a dark hole of depression that would linger and seem to exacerbate the headaches.  I'm choosing to look at today a little differently.

2012 showed me that life is all about how you look at the things that happen, or don't happen as the case may be.

Yes, I did good things yesterday.  Yes, I'd wanted to continue that today as well.  But my body has different ideas for today.  I pushed myself extremely hard during December.  Maybe it is time that I  slow down again and take some time to pay attention to my body.  I don't feel bad for not doing any exercise today.  I don't feel bad (emotionally) for the soda I'm sipping while I write this post.  I know that drinking it will make me feel physically bad, though.  (I know this and am still drinking it...go figure!) 

2013 is going to be a year of change for me.  I still feel like I'm on the right track, even without the stretches today.  :-)

How do you make big changes when needed?  Have any of you (if anyone still visits here) stepped or jumped off the sugar train?  I'd love to hear how you did it.