30 March 2018


I spend most of my time wishing.  At least, that's what it seems like most days.  I wish for lots of things as I'm sure most people do.  I wish for more friends, I wish for cooler or warmer weather, depending.  I wish for love.  I wish for peace.  I wish for strength.  I wish for talent, people to talk to, someone to clean the house.  :-)

Mostly I wish my life was different.  I wish that I wasn't in extreme pain every minute of every day.  I wish I wasn't just existing, I wish that I was living.  I wish I was brave enough to change my life.  I wish I was brave enough to just try.

I was very hesitant when I moved to this house last May.  There were many challenges that I wasn't sure how to face, but there were more pros to living here than there were cons.  I was ready to move within two months.  But, I'm still here.

I have been looking.  I search the net several times a week looking for a place in the mountains.  I've found a few places that looked promising.  I'll get excited about it and decide to call and make an appointment to drive up and look.  Then...well, then I get scared.  I'll have a really bad day - pain wise.  I'll fall, or pass out, or lose time.  Then I think, I can't move.  I have to stay here.  Living several hours from what little family I have, knowing no one around.  What am I thinking?  Move?  That's crazy!  And I'll settle in to staying here and figuring out how to make the best of it.

Then a few days later the urge to go comes over me again and I'm back on the merry go round.  

This past winter was rough.  Wishing...spending so much time just lying or sitting staring into space...wishing.

I wish I was brave and could take a leap of faith.  But I think I've lost my faith right along with my strength, my memory, my balance and my life.  

I don't know how to stop wishing and start doing.  That's what everyone says, right?  Stop thinking and start doing.  

I really wish I knew how.


ps...I have spent a lot of time wishing to blog again...so I guess it's a start.

pps...how was your winter?