30 September 2009

lets take a ride

As of now, I'm still going on my trip. The migraines are fading in and out and I'm quite anxious about this trip, but I feel that I truly need to get away from here for a few days. I went out for a bit earlier, picking up some things for the babies and filling the car with gas for the trip. I've started packing and picking out things I need to take. I want to have certain things with me, especially since I'll be there during the full moon. This full moon is a wishing moon and I plan to make a few wishes.

As I said, I'm very anxious about this trip, and usually that would keep me from going. But I'm not letting it this time, for two reasons. One is that there are other people that are supposed to be coming up and two because I don't feel like I can get over this bout of anxiety until I get away. Staying home doesn't seem to help when I get like this. I think because I live so close to my work, because one of my coworkers lives near by and my mom is always checking on me I feel trapped here. I feel like I can't even step outside my door.

I definitely need to get away. I definitely need sunshine, fresh air and freedom. I plan to take lots of pictures. If I can find a place with wi-fi, maybe I'll be able to post.


29 September 2009


it is cold here this morning. a lovely 54 degrees as i write this. my windows are open and i'm enjoying the crisp autumn air. as i type, i am counting down the minutes until the end of mercury retrograde. (it ends at 9:13am -eastern) this time around was a doozy and i'm still trying to recover.

i think it might be part of the migraines, although, honestly, i'm beginning to think sometimes i give them to myself in order to avoid things i don't want to do...like...work. that's right, i'm at home today as well as having spent the day at home yesterday... i wonder sometimes if i'll ever make it through a full week of work anymore.

i'm supposed to be going out of town on thursday, up to the mountain house. i love it up there and know that i will want to stay once i get there. if i could find a job up there, i'd take it in a second, but i doubt the economy is any better there than here. here i have almost 11 years of service, granted it is in a job i really almost despise, but it will provide a decent retirement if i can just hang in there until i have 30 years.

now that i've missed two days at work this week, i feel guilty about not being there the rest of the week. it is amazing how this guilt thing works on me. i feel horrible for not showing up, not being there to do my part, but then i feel worse about going in and facing everyone. i suppose it is a part of the panic/anxiety that i've never been able to overcome. i've always been embarrassed about not being able to overcome my panic attacks and i guess that hasn't changed. it doesn't help that i work with a bunch of overgrown two year olds though. ugh

i was already scheduled to be off work this thursday and friday and the coming monday. if i don't go to work tomorrow that will be six work days off in a row...my boss really won't like that. my mum is already mad that i didn't go in today, sometimes that is the worst part, the disappointment that i hear in her voice.

at this point i'm questioning whether or not i can make the trip to the mountains. there are friends coming up and so i feel like i can't let them down, but i don't know if i'm capable right now of being around people. it is all so confusing and frustrating... i wish i could just change, could be the person i want to be and not the person i am. i always look forward to my time in the mountains, but right now i'm dreading it and i hate that i feel that way.

i really haven't done much. i've been working on the baby blanket and am getting close to finishing it. i'd hoped to finish it before i left for the mountains, but it looks like i'll be taking it with me. hopefully i'll get it done while there. i've yet to put out any fall decorations, they are all still up in the attic. maybe when i get back i'll feel like getting them out.

if i do end up in the mountains, there is not internet access at the house, so i won't be able to post until i return...maybe i'll have something good to talk about then...


15 September 2009

Too long of a weekend...

I had too long of a weekend... in other words.. I didn't work yesterday or today. Migraines again... what is so bad, I haven't even taken my remedies that will help get rid of the pain. There is that neglect thing again...

Friday was crazy... I kept dropping equipment at work. My mum had her car die in the middle of a major road at rush hour. I had to go pick her up and drive her around. Saturday wasn't bad, I had herb class and spent some time afterward visiting my my friend and her husband.

Sunday I had an argument with my mum and later in the day ended up locking myself out of my house. I spent almost 30 minutes breaking into it. My poor sick puppy was stuck outside in the backyard in the heat of the day while I tried to get us back in. I finally managed it, but it worries me that someone else could do it too.

I woke Monday morning around 3 with a very bad migraine and haven't been able to get rid of it.

I cannot wait until mercury retrograde is over... it is a shame it is a few more weeks before that happens though...

I did check my pumpkin this weekend and he's looking good. I turned him to try to keep him from getting a flat side. I will still have to buy a lumina (white) pumpkin this year, but I should be able to use the one I've grown. Yay! If I do buy a lumina, I'll have to save some of the seeds so I can grow my own next year.

I did finish re-reading the Harry Potter series. Now I'm restarting the Twilight series. I really need some new reading material. :-)

Anyway, I'm off to take my remedies and try to get rid of this migraine. Then I might read for a bit or have some dinner.

Hope everyone is having a good week.

10 September 2009

It's almost Friday...

Happy Almost Friday!

I want to thank everyone who commented on this post. I want to give a special thank you to Denise at ODD Imagination for giving me her "I Heart This Post Award". Thank you!
I sometimes feel like all I do on my blog is whine and complain and I get very nervous about sharing too much information. Your responses have really helped me to realize that I am not alone in my feelings and that I am relatively normal. I am slowly working on those things that I talked about. As I make progress I'm certain that I will share it here. After all, it is my blog and I can write about what I want. Right? :-)

This weekend is class number eight of my herbal apprenticeship class. I can't believe that there is only one class left after this one. It seems this year has flown by and it will soon be time to start a new one.

I've been reading and watching some lovely artists on their blogs for a while. I'm fascinated by art journals and think I want to give it a try. On that end, I'm going to try to take this course with the lovely LK Ludwig. {As if I needed another excuse to take photos!} I found out about it from the oh so fabulous Nina Bagley, whose jewelry, as well as her spirit, is just amazing.

Well, I'm going to finish up a few things before the Steelers v Titans game starts so I can watch the game.

Go Steelers! :-)

(I took this last week at the exhibition game vs Panthers.)


07 September 2009

a brand new day..

Sorry for such a long post yesterday. It was something I felt I had to get out of my system. Today has been a good day, as was the weekend. I'm not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, but I will. :-)

Yesterday I worked in the veggie garden, getting it ready for fall planting. Late yesterday, I made a basil infused oil and a sage infused oil. I also strained up a catnip tincture that we made in my herbal apprenticeship course a few months ago. Since catnip is a sleep aid, I will probably use this to help me try to sleep through the night.

This morning, I've slept in a bit, then worked in the herb bed. I'm trying to save the plants that got tore down by the mower. I was able to find a large number of job's tears.

I plan to plant a lot of these once I get the bed cleared out and then will hopefully have a lovely section for next summer.

Here is a photo of my progress so far...

In the middle of that newspaper is the remnant of the job's tears plant. I'm hopeful that it will survive. I was also able to find the vervain. I don't know if it will live, but I hope so.

All this yard work has left my arm very sore and so despite the nice weather, I'm calling it a day today. I am planning on working on my knitting project that I should have finished last month. I need to get it finished soon or at the rate I'm going, the baby will be an teenager! :-)

Wanna see something cute?

Yes...it's the most vicious ruler of the house...showing his very dangerous teeth and letting out a most commanding roar. Just kidding... it was actually a yawn.

Alright, I'm settling in with the knitting and a Criminal Minds marathon on A&E.

Enjoy the rest of your labor day holiday...

06 September 2009

life lessons

The past week has been a struggle for me. Between the stress of my workdays, a mystery foot ailment (that the doctor cannot diagnose) and a landscaping nightmare, I was glad to see the end of the week. I am very hopeful that having tomorrow off for the holiday, will start the week off well and that it continues on throughout the rest of it.

The weather has turned back to hot days (80+) and coolish nights (65+) so I've continued to leave the windows open. It is fascinating to me how nature strives to be heard over the noise of the city. Or am I just listening harder for it? The cicadas are singing so loudly..the birds of the neighborhood chirping their songs. While working in the garden today, I heard a bird call that I did not recognize. It almost sounded like a whippoorwill, but I don't think that they are native to our area. I love the sounds of nature...

Do you believe in life lessons?

I believe that we are here for a purpose, that each of us have goals, if you will, to accomplish before we move on to the next life. I believe that if we learn our lessons we can accomplish these goals and move on to other lessons in the next life. In the course of each life, we have many life lessons to learn and they can be very hard to recognize.

This past week, I think that I finally learned one of my lessons for this lifetime.

I have a problem with neglect. I will start a project {hello, ravelry sidebar anyone?;-)}, and it will sit untended until it is too late to fix or mend or help it. This happens with most everything in my life.

First, is my health (I foolishly eat and drink things that a diabetic should never ingest), when I was on prescription medications for various issues, I'd forget to take them most of the time. I stopped exercising and have started gaining weight again. So I am neglecting myself, physically.

My house is next, as it is usually quite the mess. I rarely dust or sweep the floors, I'd rather have hot pokers stuck in my eyes than clean the bathroom on most days and keeping the kitchen and laundry up to date has not been my strong suit either. I'm a bit of a pack rat and will try to keep anything and everything that comes my way. Truthfully, the best thing about the work we did on the house this summer was that I was forced to make myself de-clutter and dispense with so much excess.

My fur children... well they are actually very well taken care of. The only thing that I neglect with them is the litter box sometimes, otherwise they are very well provided for and loved.

My art is neglected on a daily basis. I start knitting projects, but never finish them. I start art projects but never finish them. I have so many ideas and creations floating around in my head that I never do anything with... neglect...

My craft... I often ignore sabbats and esbats, forget to put spells in my book of shadows, and rarely do tarot readings anymore. I sorely neglect my spiritual side and have realized that when it is the most neglected, that is when the migraines come in and refuse to leave. I hardly ever listen to my intuition anymore...neglect...

Gardening is one of my most favorite things. I enjoy more than almost anything, planting, tending and watching grow the veggies, flowers and herbs that I plant. And yet... I neglect them too. I use the heat of the summer as an excuse to let the yard go and not get it mowed for three weeks. Then when the grass is as high as my knees, I'll call someone in and have them mow it. I've done this twice now - once either last summer or the one before and last week.

Here is where the life lesson comes into play... the previous time I had someone come and mow for me, they mowed down a 3ft tall blooming hydrangea that my stepmum had given me (it still hasn't grown back) and I was extremely upset. Last week, the landscaper I hired to mow the YARD...went into every flower/herb bed that I have and MOWED THEM DOWN. I lost echineca, job's tears, mint, nettle, hyssop, ANOTHER HYDRANGEA, angelica, black-eyed susans (these were blooming), daisies, spiderwort (also blooming). The only thing he didn't mow down, was the Queen Cleome.

I was devastated when I came home from work and saw what had happened. It made me very ill when I realized I paid him EXTRA and he did this. And the worst part about it was that I had only myself to blame. The flower beds were very weedy so I'm sure to someone it might look like grass to be mowed, but if you have to move landscape fencing to get to it, wouldn't you think that it was not to be touched? All that aside, my intuition that morning told me to call him and let him know what areas not to touch. But I NEGLECTED to make that call...

After this discovery, I called my a good friend and told her about it. I told her about what had happened before and how I knew there must be a lesson in it, but wasn't sure what it was. We continued to talk and suddenly I knew. The lesson is neglect. I must cease being neglectful in my life. I must cease neglecting the things that mean the most to me.

Ever since October of 2004, I have been very neglectful of my life in every fashion. I realized while talking to my friend that I used the illness as an excuse to not care about things. Why should I continue researching my family history (something that for over ten years was a constant joy to me) when I had no one to share it with and to pass it on? Why should I care if I'm overweight, no man would want me anyway, if I can't give them children? Why should I take care of my house, keep things up, if no one ever comes over anyway? Can you see the pattern? I can... and I truly believe this lesson has been learned.

Now that I have recognized this pattern, this lesson... I am working on being present and attentive to every aspect of my life. I have cleaned my house, prepped the garden for fall planting, spent extra time with my fur babies and tried to pay more attention to my health and eating. It is just a start, but at least it IS a start. I think, no, I hope this lesson has been learned.


02 September 2009

It is... September...

The air is cool, the windows are open...

I love this time of year. Fall is really approaching and even though the temperatures during the day are heading back up into the 80's, at night, it is a very cool 60's. The moon will be full in two days... mercury retrograde is back in four...topsy turvy, turvy topsy...

I've hurt my foot (the doctor can't tell me exactly what is wrong) but it is keeping me from the garden. I'm going to try to get out there this weekend, even if I'm hobbling. I have someone coming to mow tomorrow or Friday, so I'll only have to weed... weed... weed... weed...
I seem to have the most fertile soil in the county. I can't keep the weeds away.

I've only one pumpkin left... the littlest rotted out. The big one seems to still be safe though. I'll find out for certain this weekend. I'm holding out until at least the first week in October to harvest it. I've not done very well on my vegetable goals this summer. I had wanted to really eat as much as I could that came from my own garden... but honestly, most of it has either been frozen, or gone bad before I could eat it. Next year, I WILL do better.

I'm getting ready to plant some fall/winter crops. I want to plant some more garlic, some collards and maybe some kale.

Last night I dreamed about animals. Bears, deer, and something that looked like cougar, but the eyes and horns were different. The biggest thing I remembered was that I was upset that I didn't have my camera. This morning, I made sure to put my camera in my bag and keep it with me all day. I never saw any unusual animals, but I will continue to keep it with me.

Sorry this is just a bunch of ramblings tonight. My brain is mushy and I'm very tired.

Tomorrow night is the official start of football season, yet another sign that fall is here. I'm going to Charlotte to see the Panthers and Steelers. Hopefully this trip will be much better than the last one.

I'm going to head outside now and see if I can get a few moon photos (and enjoy this beautiful cool weather).