29 September 2009


it is cold here this morning. a lovely 54 degrees as i write this. my windows are open and i'm enjoying the crisp autumn air. as i type, i am counting down the minutes until the end of mercury retrograde. (it ends at 9:13am -eastern) this time around was a doozy and i'm still trying to recover.

i think it might be part of the migraines, although, honestly, i'm beginning to think sometimes i give them to myself in order to avoid things i don't want to do...like...work. that's right, i'm at home today as well as having spent the day at home yesterday... i wonder sometimes if i'll ever make it through a full week of work anymore.

i'm supposed to be going out of town on thursday, up to the mountain house. i love it up there and know that i will want to stay once i get there. if i could find a job up there, i'd take it in a second, but i doubt the economy is any better there than here. here i have almost 11 years of service, granted it is in a job i really almost despise, but it will provide a decent retirement if i can just hang in there until i have 30 years.

now that i've missed two days at work this week, i feel guilty about not being there the rest of the week. it is amazing how this guilt thing works on me. i feel horrible for not showing up, not being there to do my part, but then i feel worse about going in and facing everyone. i suppose it is a part of the panic/anxiety that i've never been able to overcome. i've always been embarrassed about not being able to overcome my panic attacks and i guess that hasn't changed. it doesn't help that i work with a bunch of overgrown two year olds though. ugh

i was already scheduled to be off work this thursday and friday and the coming monday. if i don't go to work tomorrow that will be six work days off in a row...my boss really won't like that. my mum is already mad that i didn't go in today, sometimes that is the worst part, the disappointment that i hear in her voice.

at this point i'm questioning whether or not i can make the trip to the mountains. there are friends coming up and so i feel like i can't let them down, but i don't know if i'm capable right now of being around people. it is all so confusing and frustrating... i wish i could just change, could be the person i want to be and not the person i am. i always look forward to my time in the mountains, but right now i'm dreading it and i hate that i feel that way.

i really haven't done much. i've been working on the baby blanket and am getting close to finishing it. i'd hoped to finish it before i left for the mountains, but it looks like i'll be taking it with me. hopefully i'll get it done while there. i've yet to put out any fall decorations, they are all still up in the attic. maybe when i get back i'll feel like getting them out.

if i do end up in the mountains, there is not internet access at the house, so i won't be able to post until i return...maybe i'll have something good to talk about then...



Anonymous said...

If you are suffering from anxiety...or anything for that matter...you should NOT be feeling guilty, this is not your fault.
We cannot help how we feel, we are not superhuman beings...we ALL have problems and suffer with anxiety at some stage in our development...this is all part of being alive.
Any person who says that they have never felt anxious in their life, has probably never truly been alive.
Enjoy the mountain trip...the air will do you good...even if nothing else does.
See you when you get back!

Mother's Moon's Message said...

dont be so hard on yourself. Although I do so much understand where you are coming from... used to be that way... And truly love not being that way anymore... Do what makes you feel best.. do what in the end will be the best medicine for you.. and whatever you decide... I hope you enjoy it... relax...

Lorna said...

Celia and mother moon know what they're talking about. Guilt or even acceptance of ownership of the cause can just make things worse.

Don't disappoint yourself, but don't think for an instant that you change the perception of someone who feels disappointed in you, unless you're prepared to do the things that don't cause that person disappointment. If you can't control it, and I've never known anyone who could actually control migraines or anxiety or depression, all you can do is find out what gives you relief and be thankful for that even if it's short

And go to your dark side---that's pretty cute....

Draven said...

I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks they have gotten better but i still get them, these past few days have been hard for me for some reason and been having attacks and also depression and not sure what is setting me off, your not alone and if you ever want to talk just shoot me an email if your on yahoo i am ldydraven. I also understand the migraine thing too, i suffer from them as well my weekend was shot from having one of them, mine are a lot from hormones, pms, all that stuff but I can bring them on now too which really sucks I feel them starting. I also understand the guilt thing with work i always felt guilty for calling in sick and my mom made me feel the same way when I was home... Maybe we're related? :) lol the offer to chat is always open i am usually up late too I dont sleep well... Try to go away and let the mountains sooth you...

The Frog Queen said...

Don't be too hard on yourself....some days are better than others :)

Take care of yourself, (and let others help) that is the most important thing....do that and you are better able to take care of those you love when they need you.

Hope things get better.