23 March 2021

blooming...




spring seems to be sticking around now.  after the warm spell we had the week before, this past weekends cold left me chilled to the bone.  i think we will see 79 or 80 around the end of the week.

i can't believe i'm excited about that... :-)

 

i received my first dose of the pfizer vaccine this past thursday. i had a panic attack just before leaving to go get it.  then when i got there, i couldn't find the clinic (it is in a local mall).  once i got to the site, it went very well.  i think i was there for just under an hour from arrival to leaving.  i had a sore arm and a bit of dizzyness but that was all.

my next dose is two weeks from this coming thursday.  i'll be happy to get it over with and feel a little safer to be out in the world more.

 

i spent some time last night trying to find a new knitting project to work on when i get stuck on a current knit.  i've found a few, but only one that i think i have the correct size needles for (as well as some yard to start).   i'm hoping to start it today.  there is a new technique i need to learn to move forward on my sweater and i don't have the mental capacity to do it right now, so... something simple is called for.

i hope to get into the garden tomorrow, since it is supposed to be nice weather.  

well...how are you all doing out there?  any spring plans that you are itching to get started on?  is spring showing any signs visiting your locale?

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes... 

~*~

17 March 2021

sometimes, cake...




i - seriously... where does the time go?

ii - i swear i meant to get here way back, right after my last post.  i don't know how this happens.

iii - ice storms, but power outages can be fun...

iv - i'm finding i'm at my happiest when i'm slinging paint.  it is liberating...

v - moon magic club shawl... yarn club from sirena (wild in the woods) - mini skeins opened on the full moons, charms, goodies...she makes magic.

vi - bakery cake is one of my favorite things. so...sometimes, when i need a little boost of happy i reach for the little bakery cake...

vii - i'm digging on these list posts.  they'll probably continue to happen. (inspired by effy and renee

viii - i'm already planning my next knit a black afghan... thanks for that inspiration renee... (why haven't i thought of this before?!?)

ix - i'm so ready for spring and the gardening has already begun...

x - i get my first vaccine jab tomorrow.  i hadn't planned to get it, fears of not enough testing, what might be in it, my serious health paranoia... but something changed a few weeks ago and now i am anxious to get the vaccine.  so...fingers crossed.

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~


03 February 2021

fade in and out...


i started my day in the studio just as the sun was coming up.  i spent a lot of time watching these shadows fade in and out as the clouds passed in front of the sun.

yesterday i was able to get to the grocer.  i only had a small panic attack while out.  but i made it through and got what i needed.  one thing not on the list were these tulips.  i added them to my hearth altar for imbolc and bridget.

i finally picked my tegna sweater back up and started working on it again.  i'm back to a forward motion instead of backward.  but i'm stuck again.  i'm looking for a simple pattern to use some of the yarn i've acquired from a few wool clubs from wild_inthe_woods. Sirena's instagram account is stunningly beautiful.

i'm thinking scarf and i think i've found a simple knit that i will like.  i need something to work on that is not so complicated to build up my confidence, i think. so i may try that.  if i do, i'm sure i'll share here. 

i've managed to go for a few walks over the last several days.  it's been quite cold but if i bundle up i'm alright.

well...just wanted to pop in and say hello.

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~
 

 

01 February 2021

imbolc...


february first...

imbolc,...

the first signs that spring is on it's way...

i don't believe i have ever uttered the following words before...

i am ready for spring.

i actually said that to someone about two weeks ago.

as a winter girl, i've always loved the cold and snow.  growing up in the south, when snow comes it is an amazing thing and i love it with all my heart. on the rare occasions that we get what i call a real snowfall (something that doesn't melt two hours after falling) it fills up my winterheart with so much joy.

but this year...i just can't get warm.  i am freezing every minute of every day.  i'm constantly adjusting my thermostat, my clothing layers, hair up or down, to find the most comfortable warm position that i can.

but...i'm over it.  i'm ready, really ready, for spring.  i want to get out in the garden and tend and plan and plant.  i'm particularly inspired by all the work vanessa shares on her ig stories of her garden.

i still can't believe it is only february and i want spring. well...  there it is...

wishing you all a happy and blessed imbolc. may the light of spring return to us and bring her warmth and guidance.

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~


ps...i'm trying out a few new fonts over the next couple posts to see if i can find one i really love.  i was very tired of the good old verdana. 

 

 
 

 

28 January 2021

most days...


at this moment - as i type these words - sixteen years ago, i was fighting to keep a smile on my face.  i was in pain, scared, sad, frustrated and miserable.  i had to keep the smile, since i wasn't alone and i didn't feel that i could let anyone see how i really felt.

i was lying in a hospital bed, in a hospital i had set foot in once (for pre-op work) in 22 years.  it was the hospital my beloved grandmother died in.  i had sworn i'd never, ever go back there.  yet there i was.

in my room were my dad and stepmum, two aunts and an uncle.  a friend was waiting in the hall to visit.  i didn't want any of them there.  i wanted to be alone.

sixteen years ago my life came to an end. the life i'd planned for, dreamed of and wished for since i was just a little girl.  it was all gone with the slice of a scalpel.

3 months prior i was diagnosed with low-malignant borderline ovarian cancer.  slow growing, they said.  had it for years, they said.  ovaries must come out.  i saw several fertility and cancer specialists in an attempt to harvest eggs but they all said it was highly unlikely any would be viable.  my surgeon promised to leave my uterus intact, maybe i could find a donor they said.

after surgery, the doctor said she was sorry, but they had to take the uterus too.  the "slow-growing" cancer that they had scraped off my uterine wall when they found it 3 months prior had grown back already and had spread too far.

no babies for me.  not ever.  

to say i was devastated would be putting it mildly.  i was put on suicide watch in the hospital.  one of my friends (a nurse) was to come stay with me, but there was a very bad winter storm and i didn't want her on the roads between towns in that weather.  she had two children and i couldn't let her take a chance on an accident.

that first night after surgery, i lay in that bed with those horrible balloon things on my legs (to prevent clots), sweating and crying.  i was so hot!  i kept begging them to turn down the heat and they had. but hitting full blown menopause in an instant is a bitch.

i was released from the hospital after a few days.  days i spent trying to smile as my friend brought her two daughters to see me and my mum's friend came to see me and brought her daughter.  it was like everyone was shoving what i couldn't have in my face.

worse, when i finally returned to work i found my direct supervisor's wife had become pregnant while i was out.  as had my best friend.  pregnant women and babies were everywhere i looked.  i couldn't escape.

i became so much more miserable.  i pretty much gave up. i gave up on friends, on finding a relationship, on having any type of family.  i gave up on wishing and dreaming.  i gave up on living.

-----------

back in august of 2019, i took a trip that shifted something inside me.  in december of that year, i chose the word gratitude for my word for 2020.  i don't know about you, but around about march i felt maybe i wouldn't be able to find anything to be grateful for during 2020.  

i was wrong.  i found everything to be grateful for.

i found gratitude for grocery store clerks who could still be polite and smile and wish you a good day even when they'd been on their feet with rude greedy people being mean to them all day.

i found gratitude for the postal carriers who did their best when their bosses took away important equipment at the whims of a cry-baby tyrant that made their jobs so much harder.

i found gratitude for neighbors of siblings/relatives who know how to sew and made masks for people who don't know how.

i found gratitude for artists who created free programs to share with others so we would have some fun and maybe make a few connections in a digital world.

i even found gratitude in the chaos and dis-unity as it taught me who i could trust and who i couldn't.  it helped me see who needed to be cut from my life.

i found gratitude in so many places, for so many things.

the most important thing...

i found gratitude in living.

the words came to me one morning back in the autumn as i was writing my morning pages and had just one blank line left to fill.  i was searching my brain for affirmations and this one flowed out of my pen before i even realized what i was writing.

i am grateful to be alive.

some days are still very hard.  the longing for children to love and guide is still there, but only occasionally.  the sadness that i'll never have grandchildren to spoil and teach to love the earth and each other, still stings.  but i'm better most days. 

most days...

so, it's been sixteen years today... i don't think of it as an anniversary.  it certainly isn't something i celebrate.  i think of it more as a memorial day.  a memorial to the children i would have had, loved, cared for and helped blossom into spectacular human beings.  a memorial to the children of those children, and so forth.

i'm learning to accept that the gods had a plan and my being a mother wasn't part of it.  i am learning to trust that it is okay.

i can dream other dreams.  i can wish for other things.  i can still find a relationship (hopefully?).  i can still want things.  i can still be grateful.

yes... i am grateful to be alive.


thank you for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

 

13 January 2021

holding up...


 

how is it the 13th already? really, i'd like to know...

last week was ... well...

i've been fighting the opening of the well below me.  some days i can stay above and some days i fall deep.  yesterday turned out pretty good and i was able to get a lot done around the house.

today, not so much... 

i woke late, then after my morning ritual and morning pages i went back to lie down.  i'd had a migraine all night and couldn't take it any longer.

i went back to bed until about 1.

i did manage to shower today :-)

i just wanted to say hi.  i'm still here.  i hope to be back soon.

how are you all holding up out there?

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~


03 January 2021

finding a groove...




 

is it really only the 3rd?  oddly, it feels much later in the month than that to me.  i'm not certain why that is.

i did a little bit of everything on the 1st. cooking, reading, cleaning up.  i spent the evening in the studio, playing around with paint, an old prompt list and some music.  i completely LOVE her!  entirely inspired by Effy.  i learned the spirals in the hair from her and it is fabulous! 

i stepped outside today after a zoom meeting and a few hours arting, to find the sun trying to break the clouds.  it was stunning and reminded me of a cloudy full moon night.  yesterday was so cloudy and full of fog, it was nice to see that little bit of sunlight today.

i seem to be finding a groove right now. spending time making art, reading and getting house tending stuff done each day.  

how have your first few days been?

thanks for being here and reading along...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~