take a step, follow a thread

earlier today i took another tiny step toward reclaiming my life. actually, for me it was a giant leap to creating a life i want and can enjoy. i cannot express how happy i have been today. ever since i signed up early this afternoon, i have felt happier than i have in two or three years.

i bet you are wondering where the "thread" comes in, aren't you? well, this is the step that i took: The Red Thread Retreat

so you see, i'll be following a thread, to learn some new things, to explore the world around me, to meet new people and most importantly, to LIVE!

it has been a very good day in my world. not only am i one of the lucky 15, but winter has finally put in an appearance...we have snow!

blessings
~*~

returning to light...

...or maybe the word should be life...returning to life...that's how i feel. i can't believe how long it has been since i have posted here. so much has changed and yet so little. i felt bad for just disappearing, but i didn't really know what to do. i ran out of things to say. i tried to continue reading blogs, but honestly, seeing how much everyone did, how much you all LIVED, it just left me feeling quite useless.

the short story since my last post, is that there has been no improvement in my condition and doesn't appear to have any hope for any. also, i'm now on permanent disability - trying to make ends meet. i think it would be easier if not for all the medical bills each month.

so, here i am, trying to make the best of it...trying to get back to things that i enjoyed. hoping, somehow, i can find the light and follow it back to my life... i guess we'll see how that goes...

blessings
~*~

two days worth (long)

yesterday, feeling a bit less wobbly than on thursday, i decided to test my strength and also get away from these four walls. i searched for something fun to dress in, found a skirt i'd had hidden in the closet for two years (tags still on) looked at the size and said now or never. i put it on and found the top i remembered i'd purchased to go with it and with a sweater and my new boots all laced up took a gander at myself and thought... i look a bit like an old fashioned school marm!



so off i went, to my work, to deliver that bread i baked a few days before. i ended up spending over two hours there, visiting and catching up. i couldn't believe it when i left and realized what the time was. everyone asked about my eye and what had happened and all said how they wanted me back ever so soon. i was able to see where my new area will be and it looks like i will have a nice setup and will get to make a nice little cubbiehole for myself. sigh...

i had a few dizzy spells while there but after sitting and resting i felt okay so i proceeded on with my plans for the day and next up was a trip to the library. i haven't been in years. my nose is so persnickety these days and i've been worried about how sensitive i would be to bringing in books from the library but after realizing how badly i need something new to read and how i just can NOT purchase new books like i want to, this seemed the only way. so...i picked up a few books...



then i went to see my mum, had lunch with her and came home with a turkey leg and the ham bone (with extra meat). i don't know if one turkey leg is enough to make stock with or not. any suggestions as to what i could do with it? she gave me some extra turkey meat too.

anywho, i made a stop at the grocers for a quick thing or two and came out with four bags. do you do that? go in for one or two things but just can't stop? i do that everywhere. i have such bad impulse control when shopping.

i have been craving collard greens and somehow missed them at the grocers so this morning to the farmers market i went, fingers crossed that they were still open this late in the year and surely someone would have collard greens. well, they were there, and busy! i bought apples and collards and that is all. i passed on the beautiful french hubbard pumpkins, nosegay bouquets, cyclamens, poinesettas, paperwhites and christmas cactus. aren't you proud? i wanted to bring them all home to live here in the cottage. but no, i said to myself, when you are feeling better and able to take better care of yourself, then you can bring more plant friends home!

oh, where was i? yes, so i left the market quite proud of myself. went to run for yet another prescription from the pharma and came home. then got a bee in my bonnet that i wanted to string fairie lights around my front porch. i get out my steppy stool and ms. hammer. find my little cup hooks (they seem to be perfect for hanging strings of fairie lights) and realize i don't have enough little cup hooks. so with the bee stinging away in my bonnet i grab my purse and keys and head to the dollar store. where they have NO CUP HOOKS. :( light bulbs - yes, they have those and i'd forgotten them at the grocers the day before so i'll get them; a little glass plate for setting candles on to catch the wax so as not to mess up the table - check, oh yes, you can never have too many of those in a cottage that almost always has candles burning; scotch tape - 2/$1 only you just bought tape at the pharma and it was only 1 roll not two and it was over two dollars and change so oh yes, most definitely i'll take that thankyouverymuch.

bee still buzzing even more determinedly i then go to the grocers, yes...again! i'm only going in for little cup hooks, i know exactly where they are. i don't even need a buggie or a little hand held carrier. i know just what i need. oh look! the candy canes i was looking for yesterday! and they're on SALE! well, just one package. okay, now to the cup hooks. hmmm...while i'm here i might as well see if they've restocked their pumpkin since they seem to be out the last several times i've been. no, no pumpkin, oh there's the manager, let me just ask..oh here it is, thanks so much. yes...four cans of pumpkin, i think i do need a carrier after all.

well...much more was bought, this and that...not too much more, just a few things that i need for various recipes that i've seen that i've wanted to make. but i did get the cup hooks! (i've only achieved one anchored in the porch ceiling so far - but it will be done by end of friday. it was just sooo cold! and i was soooo tired!)

did i mention the weather here? cold! very cold! which i love. but i only love it when it is accompanied by snow. so when the forecasters started talking about snow this weekend, i didn't want to get too excited. they've lied to me before afterall. many times. but they kept saying it, a dusting they said, over and over...a dusting...



and around noon...it started...



and just before dark it looked like this...



squee! i went out and played in it earlier in the day. this first snowfall of the winter brings a bittersweet joy. oh how my beastie boy would have loved this. while i wandered snapping photos of this or that i looked around for him and realized he wasn't there rooting and romping in the snow. but it is still snow and i am still just as much in love with it, and with winter, as i always have been.

supposedly the snow is to continue to fall through the night until early morning. so there may be even more when i wake. i'm sure to be looking out the window every once in a while to see if there is more snow falling. and as the temps aren't to get out of the 30's for the next several days, it may hang around for a bit.

i hope that your weekend is going well and that there is some happy thing brightening your days and nights...

blessings
~*~


ps... i also hope i didn't bore you wonky with all my little rambling. :)

pps...about that skirt - when i first purchased it two years ago it was at the end of winter and it is a wool skirt and lined to boot and i didn't get a chance to wear it before the hot weather came. when winter came around again, it was too small... :( the now or never is because, well, it is too BIG! yep! TOO BIG! i had to keep hiking it up all day! it is an elastic waist so i can take it in or rather i can find someone who knows what they are doing and have them take it in for me and maybe can wear it another season. :) yippee for too big clothes!

another round of ramblings

i've been taking it easy today. sitting on the sofa either reading my book or reading my favorite blogs. there was even a short nap involved. to me, december first ushers in the beginning of winter. yes, i know the "official" start isn't until the 21st, but i'm a rebel. :P

so the past few days have been busy. taking all the fall decor away(finally) and putting out my winter decor here and there. i decided not to put up a tree this year and i'm okay with that. i also took the time to create an actual meal. yeah, using pots and pans, real food, spices, ingredients. i know...shocking... i'd been surviving on crackers and cheese, pb&j half sandwichs, mini bags of popcorn and thanksgiving celebration leftovers for the past two weeks. i think i've mentioned my lack of appetite before, so it makes it hard to cook as i never want to eat and i've now got this constant pressure sitting in my throat and diaphram area. ugh.



but it was nice to take the time and effort to put a meal together. it wasn't a lot, green beans, baked chicken in a mushroom sauce with cheese over penne pasta. and i can eat on it all week. i also ended up making pumpkin bread that same night. (that was a huge mess as the big cans i'd bought a few weeks ago and was so excited to use turned out to not be pumpkin but PUMPKIN PIE MIX! and i'd already added in all the spices to the mix and was adding what i thought was pumpkin last!) ugg...turned out pretty good. i was planning to take it in to my co-workers this morning but had a little dilemma last night that kept me from being able to go out today. (more on that in a bit)

yesterday, mum took me out for lunch and a little shopping and window shopping. i picked up a few of the gifts i need to get for holiday presents. then we took a stroll through williams-sonoma (i drooled the whole time) and i went into anthropologie and drooled some more...

after lunch, it was time for my hair appointment. i'd been looking forward to it for a while. time for coloring and we added more purple this time. :) i wish we'd done it in bigger streaks but next time we will, she's already said. i just really like having it there, even if it doesn't show up a lot it makes me happy knowing it is there.

so last night i started a new medication. the doctor had warned me that i would need to rise from bed slowly because it could cause me to be lightheaded. around 3 am i woke needing to use the facilities. so i sat up in bed and waited about 5 minutes before i stood up and went into the bathroom. next thing i know, i'm waking up on the bathroom floor. i felt like i was having a seizure. i crawl back to the toilet (i know...tmi) and then... that's right...i'm waking up on the floor again. this time though i must have hit my head on the sink because i've got quite the bump on my face. and my head is hurting much more than it usually does. i was finally able to get myself finished and back to bed. my face is bruised and swollen, both knees bruised, neck, shoulders, arms hurting. head is very much hurting. this morning when i woke, i sat up very slowly in bed. then i just sat there for about half an hour before i would even attempt to stand up. every step was like walking through a very narrow tiny tunnel and scared me so.



hence the coziness photo as i was afraid to lay back in the bed, since it takes so long to get up once i've had a lie in and why i settled myself on the sofa. i did talk with the doctor's office about another medicine that we are having problems getting approved through insurance and while i had the lady on the phone i mentioned the fainting and she said not to take it again since i've only taken the one dose. (yes, ONE pill did that to me) and i have an appointment to see the doctor on monday so can discuss these concerns with him then.

i'd like to extend another thankyousoverymuch to those who have commented and sent me messages of guidance and hope in my struggles with my health. it means a lot to me. i am trying, using your encouragement, your words, to step outside of myself a little each day and to try for some joy, some happiness to make each day a little brighter. maybe, i reason with myself, a little brightness one day, will lead to a little more brightness the next, and so on and so forth. i know you all know what i mean. i read it in your blogs, see how you all have so much joy and happy to share. and i admire how you do it time and time again. maybe you do have hardships and sadness, but you don't seem to show it. i am one who says what i feel. which is why there are sometimes long silences here. because i know the dreary becomes overwhelming and i don't want to spew it too far or wide. i don't want to always be known for bringing drab and sad to people.

well...i'm off to search the internets for some self learning instructions on how to crochet. i'm so inspired by lucy and many others and want to learn to make granny squares. :)

blessings
~*~

just like the leaves of autumn...

i keep falling... and falling... no matter how many different places i get raked to or piles i get swept up into, i take my punches, take my beatings and fall, farther and farther... i keep wondering where the bottom is... and just how far i have to fall before i find it...

blessings
~*~

gone too quickly

october is going by too quickly for me... i want more fall days (i know november will have them but they just aren't quite the same as october fall days...)

the past two weeks have been a blur...hospital was not a pleasant experience...i had a male version of nurse ratchet who insisted that he had to push down on the incisions at my groin every 15 minutes...i swear i wanted to rip his arms off or better yet a lower portion of his anatomy. the surgery was a bust, as the pressure gradient was in the quite normal range and so no stint was placed. this leads us back to the drawing board completely and makes me very sad. i must admit i placed all my hopes for any relief on this stinting happening and clearing up the flow and thus relieving the pain...

my neurologist has given up now and turned me over to the other neuro-specialist that he recommended me to whom i can't get in to see until early december...i've called their office and practically did i beg for them to see me sooner or at least prescribe something! i am off on tuesday to the optical specialist to see about the other issues that have been discovered throughout this process that are "unexplainable"... i am quite seriously sick of doctors and tests, aren't you?

a few days of recovery at home after hospital and i was whisked off by my mum with a couple of her friends for a few days stay in our mountain home. it was wonderful to go and be there, i know i've expressed before my absolute love of those mountains and our home there. the weather lovely (i could have done with a bit colder during the day) the nights were fabulously chilly and allowed for roaring fires...



leaf turning peak is a big deal up there and we arrived near to peak, i believe



we spent several days shopping...going from store to store and town to town. i was so exhausted each night but instead of getting to rest, we played games until late at night. the last night we were there i went to bed early (around 10:45) and was awoken at 1am to the sounds of something crawling across the ceiling...seems the day before when we'd had the handyman come round to patch some holes in the fascia at the roof he ended up trapping a raccoon in the attic! it sounded HUGE and PISSED! i removed myself to the downstairs and stayed on the couch until morning as i just new it was going to claw it's way through my wall right at my head... but it seems s/he made an escape between the wee hours of 4am and 7am by knocking a board out of the attic fascia on the outside of the house. the handyman came back after we had left for home and was going to set a live trap so as to be able to set him/her free somewhere else if he/she returned. he's not called us so we take this to mean the bugger did not get back in the attic.



there were lots of displays all over town, lots of cute shops and cute items i wanted to purchase. the only thing i bought was a hat...i found one that actually looked good on my, a first! and so had to have it! i also found the most marvelous chocolate shop...i did get any pictures but when i go back i will ask if they will let me take some...it was a cross between Sally's shop in Practical Magic and Vianne's shop in Chocolat...and it was all decorated for halloween...so lovely!

i've finally caught up on all my blog reading...it took several days and i'm enjoying all the parties that i missed...you are all so very creative!

there is much to do this week, more doctors, meetings with people from work and our benefits to apply for disability (did i mention my leave from work has been extended through january) and there is lots of yard work that needs to get done. i'm even hoping to possibly get some garlic planted...maybe...

blessings
~*~

Time's Up

Where have the past two weeks gone? I swear it feels like it just vanished! I had big plans for this past week. A long list of things that I needed to get done. How many have been completed and marked off the list? Maybe 5 things...it was such a long list too! Oh well...



I've gone a little crazy this week...pumpkin crazy! I've never bought so many pumpkins at one time. I'm planning to save seeds from each one and plant pumpkins everywhere next year.



The witch and cats were made by my granddaddy many, many moons ago. He used to set up holiday displays for every holiday, BIG displays. There are pictures somewhere of them, I need to find them and make copies. I remember them when I was a child, I loved them! I think it's time to paint them again...



I'm so glad it is October. The weather for the first part was perfect...highs in the 60's and lows in the 40's. My windows have been open ever since. I love this autumn fresh air. Unfortunately the temps I moved back up into the high 80's the past few days and will stay there until later this week. I'm really looking forward to the cooler weather returning.



I'm off tomorrow for my second opinion with another neurologist. It is in a town about an hour from me and I'm taking advantage of it and going to lunch at a restaurant there. It's a small old home cooking restaurant and is supposed to be really good. I'm always up for good old fashioned southern cuisine...so... :)



This will probably be my last post for a few days, maybe longer. I'm scheduled for surgery on Tuesday and have no idea when I'll be able to get back on the computer. I'm getting really nervous and scared. I'm trying to keep my thoughts positive though. At least I'm decorated for Halloween! All I'll have to do is carve the pumpkin(s) and get the candies for giving out.

I hope you are all enjoying your autumn days. I've been keeping up with all my favorite blogs (shockingly that is over 300!) For obvious reasons I won't be participating in all the upcoming blog parties, but I'll be visiting to see what you wonderful, creative lovelies come up with!

And while I'm thinking about it, I just want to say a big THANKYOUSOMUCH to all of you that read my blog, comment or email me with your thoughts. It is so nice, this blog world, meeting people you would never get to meet otherwise and experiencing that there are people in the world who can care and share with others. Such kind and generous souls I've met through this place. I can't say thank you enough. I honestly don't know if I could have made it this long without you.

blessings
~*~

ps...if you feel so inclined and wouldn't mind maybe lighting a candle or saying a prayer for me on Tuesday morning, I'd be forever grateful! thankyouso! :)