26 July 2010

a little of this and a little of that

(warning...this post may be quite on the wonky side and possibly more than a little morose...don't feel you must read on, i won't be offended...) :)

I'm still here and hanging on. I've wanted to post and have been doing pretty well keeping up with all my blog reading, but just haven't known what to say.

I've had several opportunities open to me lately. I had to drop out of my herbal studies due to finances, but the teacher (a good friend) offered to let me continue on at no charge. I've tried, but missed too many classes and now am so behind I just don't see the point in continuing.

Another opportunity was from the lovely Sarah offering up her Let Fly e-course at no charge this go round. I joined up and have been trying to participate. I'm a little behind, but plan to dedicate more time to it and get caught up. I can't let this opportunity pass me by. I even had another opportunity to take a workshop with a woman from my state who is quite renowned in the women's spirituality circles. I made it through the first half before I had to leave due to a severe migraine.

On the health front, my neurologist is ready to give up and is referring me to another neurologist out of town. The good days have been few and very far between. The meds that my neurologist has had me on over the past six months have really messed me up. I'm either so tired that I sleep through my alarm which is going off for over an hour...or I can't sleep at all, for days. As a last ditch effort to find some physical cause for the migraines, he has me scheduled for a spinal tap this coming Friday. I'm not the happiest puppy in the pound right now. He says he's willing to continue treating me but he just doesn't know what to do for me. We've been through over 17 different meds and not a single one has relieved the pain. So the tap is to test the fluid in my brain and also to check the pressure of that fluid. I can't decide if I want them to find something or if I want it to come back normal. I just don't know how to function with this constant pain and no known cause for it. My neurologist is also talking about taking me out of work and putting me on disability. Two months with no pay and then only half my usual monthly income after that. I don't know how I could possibly get by.

On top of all that is the fact that my gardens have become a jungle. My house looks like a tornado has blown through. And I seem to have lost my mojo. No...really...I no longer can connect with spirits like I used to. I can't seem to feel anything in regards to the energy of spirits or even other people. It is driving me to distraction.

I'm also having to begin considering the fate of my beloved boy. My big old boy, the beast. He is getting poorly so quickly now it is breaking my heart. He can't see in the dark any more or even with low light. He can't hear me call him either. I have to go to him and guide him to wherever I want him to go. He's breathing heavily almost all the time, as if he's just run a long way or is sitting out in the hot summer heat for a long time. (I keep the house at 72 day and night mostly to keep him cool.) And now his legs are giving out on him. When he tries to stand up, his back legs just slide right out from under him on most every occasion and he's developed a terrible limp in his front legs. And every couple of days, he poops while he's asleep. Ick.

Wow, writing all that down really shows me just how bad off he is. I don't think he's happy anymore. He seems so sad all the time and I'm afraid I will soon have to make a decision that I just don't know how to make. When my poor Jade left me, it all happened so quickly. One day she was fine and the next, she was ready to leave. I could see how much pain she was in, she could barely breathe and while it was a very difficult decision to make, it seemed more merciful to not make her suffer any longer. With the beast, I just can't tell. I keep telling myself that I'll know when it is time, but I don't ever want it to be time and I'm afraid that is affecting my judgement.

So...are you depressed yet? I am. I know that part of my problems lately are stemming from depression. But I also know that the migraines are not being caused by depression. I'm trying to think of happy things. I have a trip or two coming up in the fall. I'm going back to my much loved New Orleans. I'll also be taking a trip back to the mountains. I'm looking forward to these things and trying to use them to help me get through the upcoming month of chaos and pressure that will be my job. August is a crazy month at work and somehow I have to find the strength and will to get through it.

I can tell you one thing I'm really looking forward to. Check out the button on the top left of my blog. The lovely Justina and Anna are hosting a "Practical Magic" blog party on September 25th. I'm so excited about this! Practical Magic is one of my favorite books and is definitely my favorite movie! I'll be participating in this blog party. I'm already planning in my head the things I want to do. So head on over and sign up if you are a fan and want to participate...or just go back on September 25th and check out the parties!

blessings
~*~

4 comments:

laoi gaul~williams /I\ said...

oh my poor, poor you :(

you know i think you need to put your health before work~it might not feel you would cope but with some creative budgeting and letting powers that be know your situation then you can concentrate on getting to the bottom of your migraines.
oh your poor boy :( its so hard~we had to let our beautiful cody go in january and was the the most dreadful thing. but the worse part was deciding, although to be honest we had no choice at all~but we just knew it was right and unfair on cody if we kept hanging on.
{hugs}

sheree said...

My goodness it is sad times isnt it..like I said in my email accupuncture or Cranial is my best advice, I have a mega sensitive body with alot of ailments and none are what the doctor can fix, you have to go all Louise Hay on yourself and look at the big emotional picture. This is what she has to say "Migraine headaches are created by people who want to be perfect and who create a lot of pressure on themselves. A lot of suppressed anger is involved" If your going thru anyhting like me, its the issue that needs to be addressed....I hope you get some answers soon xxx
And Im guessing big boy is your dog??? what a huge decision, voluntary letting go is never easy, you will always put it off till tomorrow, I live on a farm and we eat all our pets apart from the cats and dogs, so decisions like this are easy for me, but you forget when you get pets to love that one day they will have to leave. boo for sadness, I hope you can find something to smile about today : )

take care
xxx
sheree
raven moon magic

VintageSage said...

OH Laura I was just reading this post...and I'm so sorry you have been going through all this. I have to agree with sheree above on the acupuncture. It has done wonders for my migraines. I'm right there with ya on kitty. My Mocha isn't doing too well either. I had her since she was 7 weeks old and all of a sudden she's 14 and haven't IBD issues...and possibly Lymphoma. It kills me to see her the way she is because she is my familiar in all ways. *sigh* Hang in there sweetie...I'm going through a rough time financially as well. Just know you are not alone! I will send healing thoughts your way and in many ways! Try to stay positive. I know...easier said than done. xoxo

Patricia said...

I'm sorry to hear you've got so very much on your shoulders. I'm amazed you have been able to do what you have been doing for all these months with migraines. I am very sorry to hear about your beastie, I know you love him with all of your being and he is not the same happy boy he used to be. I think I avoided seeing Isabella was sick because I really wanted her to make it to Wee One's birth but sadly, my selfish actions caused her pain I think. I am in no way saying you are selfish or trying to cause Beastie pain; I'm just saying if writing out all that troubles him was shocking to see, maybe it's time. I really hope things have already improved for both of you, and will be sending healing thoughts your way.