21 September 2010

different...

that is what i thought my life would be... in oh so many ways...

most recently, i thought the leave of absence from work would make for a very different approach to life. i had imagined that if i wasn't spending all my energy trying to make it through the work day, i'd be able to use that energy for creative endeavors...

apparently, i was wrong...

i wish i could say that i had started writing again or drawing or maybe even re-organizing the studio so that i could get in there and create something...anything. But i haven't.

The only creative thing i've done in the past two weeks was knit on a scarf, make a few meals and bake up some pumpkin bread. i did work in the garden a little last week and get the yard mowed. and there have been lots of books (all ones i've read before) and a few movies. but that is truly the extent of how i have spent my time. i spend a lot of time online, reading blogs and being amazed at all that you wonderful souls do... and there is a lot of time wasted on facebook playing vampire wars or farming...i really need to delete that account.

i feel like i'm in a funk again, one that i don't know how to get out of. three weeks from today i'm having surgery again, to put a stint in my head. the pains are not receding at all, and at times feel worse than ever.

i can't go out and go thrifting (which i've been inspired to do by many of you), i can't purchase any new books so that i can have something new to entertain my mind and i can't go find buy any of the new halloween decor that i see in commercials or online. i saw a cake stand at target that i would love to have, but cannot spend on it as i don't have the funds.

the past two nights - within an hour of having dinner - my blood sugars have plummeted and i don't know why. last night was down to 60 but the night before was a 49...it scared me. i was so pale and shaking so badly. i have to figure out what is going on, because if my blood sugar isn't under control they won't do the surgery.

i've just re-read this post and am really not even sure why i'm posting it...but this is my life and what i have to share...

hopefully something better will be on the horizon. (at least there is the Practical Magic Blog Party to look forward to...)

13 comments:

Elizabeth Rhiannon said...

Oooooh, I hate it when I feel that way! And as for the spending, ha! Spending! What's that? I've had to oooh and aaah at everything from a distance (which is hard!) for such a long time now, I don't even know what it's like to buy those little goodies. But then, it makes me focus on whats really important in life. I know you're struggling with your health right now and not being able to do anything 'fun' is probably depressing you. Are you able to get out and take a walk? I'm easily depressed and need to keep it in check, being online too much is a trigger and walking snaps me out of it. My blessings to you friend and that you get your health and blood sugar under control.
~ER~
P.S. I've dug out my old books and I'm re-reading them :)

Kiki said...

HUgs! and wishing you much magic and mnay blessings to come! there is always something shining in the horizon for you..I know it! Stay spirited and strong..all that you need will find it's way to you..and much new magic will awaken your spirit in new ways..and all will be well..new treasures will come to life! I hope you feel well soon and till then..wishing you all you divinely need!
Blessings and sparkles
Victoria~

Rilana said...

low blood sugar is awful. I have that sometimes. I fluctuate a bit, being diabetic and all. I hate that shaky, nauseous feeling. Good news, it will eventually pass with some sugar.

I know it can be rough, contemplating life and what you have or haven't done with it. I do it often with myself. My life is not what I thought it would be either... Over all I have hope. Hope is a good thing to keep. Faith as well. I may not discuss it much on my blog, but still pray to the goddess. LOL!

HUGS

Lorna said...

i am so glad you wrote---even though you're not sure why. I sincerely believe that just writing things down changes them in some way---maybe makes them more bearable. sometimes it's the road to discovery. I hope you're feeling better soon.

Tammie Lee said...

be gentle with yourself and accomplishing things, pain can really get in the way. I love libraries for books, free and a huge selection. Wishing you dreams come true.

Patricia said...

I see you as very creative and any rows you manage to knit in a week are just a plus. Baking and cooking is very creative and takes a lot of your time. I go through periods of time where I don't do all I think I should and I kick myself for it and just feel worse. You will feel better at some point and get back in the saddle again. I know this. I know I will too. I don't know what your library system is like where you live but I can get just about any book I want through interlibrary loan and it saves me tons of money on books--knitting books, novels, cookbooks, sewing and craft books, whatever you like. I would explore this, I can go online, order all the books I want and get emails telling me when they are ready for pick up. I know what you mean about not being able to buy all you see; we have to live much more frugally now but honestly, I like the challenge of making do with what we have or making something. Like that sweet little table you just transformed...see you are creative!

The Frog Queen said...

Sorry to hear that you are feeling out of sorts. Please be patient with yourself. Take care.

Cheers!

Lisa Lectura Creations said...

You are very inspiring to share your story with us. Reading between the lines shows me the strength and motivation you do own in life. Addictive distractions like reading blogs and facebook lol!, gotta love it. I agree with the ladies above, I frequent my local library all the time. You will be able to find tons of musings in there. Blessings to you my friend. Lisa :)

Kelly said...

Your dreams will come true for you~ Believe in them...but you probably already know that. :D

laoi gaul~williams /I\ said...

oh lovely~blogging is not always about the good things in our lives, its about all our lives the good and the bad~i always think combining both is true, honest blogging.

so sorry your health is still so poor~i know how frustrating it is not being able to do things or afford things~hang in there
xoxoxox

Linda said...

I love this post. Very magical and special. Great tribute. thanks for sharing. Please visit me:
momentsinaneye.blogspot.com

Susan said...

I wish you peace, comfort and healing...I do not know what the stent is about,I mean besides to drain excess CSF but I do know diabetes! my husband's has NEVER been under control, ever!
he can drop to 60 or 45 and then 3 hours later be back up to 300.

It sucks.

I have my own issues and and because of those disabilities I know also suffer with depression and anxiety.

I hope you are on some meds for this, if not, admit to yourself that the funk is more than that and perhaps treatment is in order.

If you go to the thrift stores look at the books there. You may find something worth reading.

for my practical magic post, I have giveaways, the grand prize being the book practical magic and the book garden spells (a similar story of family an love.)

You are not alone, there are many of us in funks, sometimes deeper an darker than others.

gentle hugs,
Susan

Griselda said...

Very inspiring...I follow you from your old blog, I am glad I found you. Bright Blessings. Griselda