12 September 2015

the rainbow

A storm came through, in the early evening of Thursday.  I listened to the wind roar and thick heavy raindrops plop down to earth.  Shortly after it passed, I went out to my little patio garden to check on my tomato plant and see if it was still standing.  The first thing I noticed was the light shining on the tree tops.  That late summer/early autumn type of light that you only get at sunset.

Of course I went back in for my camera and came out to a beautiful rainbow.  When I looked closer, I saw it wasn't just a rainbow, but a double rainbow.  I stayed out for a while, taking photos and watching the clouds. 

That rainbow though.  

It came on a day I'd been feeling particularly down.  Wondering what my life was for, why I was still alive.  People tell me all the time how lucky I am, all the things I've lived through.  Most times I don't feel lucky.  Most times I feel sad and left behind.  Mostly I feel worthless and useless.  I'd always known what I wanted my life to be, how I wanted to live, what I wanted to do.  Can I tell you, that not one single thing that I dreamed my life would be has happened.  

No matter how hard I try to "stay positive", "be grateful for what you do have", I just don't see it often.  Yes, it's been over ten years since my ovarian cancer diagnosis and I'm still here.  Yes, I have a pretty nice roof over my head and am able to pay all my bills each month comfortably.  Yes, I have health insurance that is pretty decent so my medical expenses are not insane (based on the amount of doctors I see, tests that are run and prescriptions I have to take).  Those are definitely things to be grateful for, and I am.  

I am also lonely, living a life I never wanted to live.  Never in a million years would I have imagined that I would be living my life alone.  I never imagined that I would be estranged from most of my relatives and basically cut off from my father.  I never imagined that I would be childless, that I wouldn't have nieces or nephews to spoil and love.  I never imagined I would be living in the city, in a town home of all things.  I never imagined any of this.   

I always knew I would be a mother, an aunt, a wife.  I knew I would live in the country with bountiful gardens, tenderly caring for the land, the animals and my family.  I knew I would teach my children, my nieces and nephews, my grandchildren the magic of the earth, the moon, the water, the sun.  I knew I would spend my days caring for my family, my nights sheltered in my husbands arms.  I just knew.

Joseph Campbell said, "We must be willing to let go of the life we've planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us."  

I found that quote after my diagnosis and printed it out once.  I kept it on my wall at work among other photos and words.  I would look at it and think, there is something better than what I dreamed and it is coming.  Am I still waiting or is this it?

Is this the life that was waiting for me?  Is this the life I'm supposed to live for the rest of my days?  A life of loneliness and constant physical pain.  Each day filled a little more with sadness and despair.  Am I to be one of those old folks who gets tucked away into a nursing home because I can't care for myself and have no one who will care for me.  

That rainbow though...

I looked up, watching the storm clouds float off to the east and the rainbow hold steady in the sky overhead.  I watched as it slowly faded as twilight moved into night.  I watched and thought maybe, just maybe, there is a better life coming soon.

love & blessings


Carmen said...

Oooh! A double rainbow! Awesome... and magical.

Aine O'Brien said...

I hope that the double rainbow is a sign that a much better life is in store for you. When suffering through life, people tend to tell you to keep positive and don't get discouraged. I think, given the circumstance, that is often a lot to ask. During these times, I think it's hard enough just to keep open to better things while maintaining some sort of stability. I wish for you the strength to hang in, and if you can do this, you should be very proud of your self.

mxtodis123 said...

I've been were you are right now. Two winters ago I never felt so alone in my life. I couldn't get out anyplace. The ground was covered with ice for most of the time. My computer was down so I couldn't even reach out to my online friends. My cat was elderly and I knew she would soon be passing. My husband has a terminal illness. I felt so alone. Cried almost every day. Depression dug its nails deep within.

As you know I can empathize with you being cut off from family. It still hurts so bad that I wasn't able to give mom a hug before she passed. And even moreso that I am 68 years old and have never had a hug from my mom and now I never will. But we must go on. I focus on keeping myself busy. I've still got family out there, aside from my children, who I haven't spoken to in about 50 years, and I want so to reach out to them now, but they've been told the worst about me so I am fearful of being rejected.

But life must go on, and each day we are blessed with another day is a gift. Like you, pain has become an intricate part of my life. I never know how I am going to wake up. Know that I understand and am here for you. Know you are not alone. You will always have a friend.

Ms Misantropia said...

Oh dearest, I can relate to the things you are saying, I can feel your pain, tiredness and disappointment, and I am so sorry. You are not alone in those, the lowest days, feeling that we might as well not be here. Those people who feelthe need to point out how lucky you should be feeling? Shut them out if you can't cut them out! They have no idea, and they never will. WHat they say does not matter, your feelings are your own, they do not betray you. I am sorry you are so lonely. The dreams you had, and still have, of a warm and safe family life may still come true, just not in the way you envisioned it. All you can do is make the changes you can, invite changes into your life. I hope some come to you soon.