ten years ago, one of my neurologists suggested that my severe chronic headaches and migraines were a result of ptsd. when he said this, i laughed and denied that i'd had the kind of trauma in my life that would cause ptsd. he sent me to a psychiatrist to be tested/examined for ptsd.
after meeting with the psychiatrist several times, he said i definitely did not have ptsd.
now, all these years later, i think the psychiatrist was wrong.
i didn't tell either of them everything. i never do.
i keep a lot to myself, having learned early in life that telling things has consequences. there are some things i just don't discuss. ever.
i've been having a lot of flashbacks lately. i've always had nightmares, insomnia, memories that overwhelm me, but that all has been getting worse lately.
anger and i are closely acquainted. i get so angry, sometimes, about the simplest and (i've been told) most ridiculous things. and my emotions jump around so much that at one point i was diagnosed bi-polar (only to be told later by a different doctor that i was not bi-polar).
i cry all the time. silly little things like hallmark commercials can make me cry. this morning, i looked at my phone and saw a headline that an actor i adore had passed away and i've been fighting tears.
i always thought the emotional rollercoaster was from being an empath.
now i wonder... is it ptsd?
i saw somewhere something about complex ptsd not long ago and looked it up.
i could tick off every single symptom.
here is what set me off on this today. in the post, i received a hand written letter from a person in the nearest town that i don't know. when i opened it i found a two page letter about how i need to get right with jesus and god. it included writings from revelations and a pamplet for the jehovahs witnesses.
my first instinct upon realizing that a complete stranger had written to me like this was to put her in the freezer or to put her in a jar.
my second, was to find her number, call her up and lay into her about it. i mean, i don't go knocking on strangers doors telling them they are going to hell if they don't get saved. (or sending them letters of same) - this action, btw, is one of my biggest issues with "christianity", but that is another post for another day
my third inclination was to write her back telling her how i feel about her rude and presumptive letter.
after a few minutes of venting my anger (a LOT of anger) in my head about her and her letter, i tore it into little pieces, along with the pamphlet and threw them in the trash.
so why did this (misguided, but I'm sure well intention-ed) woman's letter set me off so badly? it brought back memories of an abusive relative who would write me letters filled with biblical quotes and telling me how i was satan's child and would burn in hell for eternity and all sorts of deliciousness like that...and how they couldn't associate with me as i would corrupt them... (btw - those letters were not the abuse they perpetrated, just the second rate form later in life)
so...now i'm wondering what to do. i have had enough of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists to last a life time. seriously, more of my life has been spent in therapy than out of it.
but things are getting very much out of hand. i fly off the handle at people for inexcusable reasons. i've pretty much cut everyone out of my life (this was not helped by pandemic year) and am starting to get scared of myself. i cry for hours at a time and the headaches... well...i don't know how much more of this pain i can stand.
honestly, this wasn't the post i'd planned for...
i don't even know why i'm writing all this...
just my way of asking the universe for help i suppose...
thanks for stopping in for a read...
love & blessings
~*~
2 comments:
These are not the kind of feelings that will resolve themselves or just go away. Don't write off professional help from a therapist -- but maybe this time tell them everything. Hugs and best wishes!
I think PTSD is a very misunderstood condition. People--patients and healthcare providers included--have become more educated lately, but we still have a long way to go. Visiting a counselor and not telling the whole truth is rarely a good idea. They can't help if they don't know. Sometimes, it might even help if one says something like, "I haven't told you everything yet. I'm just not ready." But leaving them in the dark creates all sorts of confusion, as you already figured out.
On a separate, but very relevant note: I have a friend who suffered of severe migraines and digestive issues for most of her life. After I noticed that her symptoms got worse every time she came in contact with certain person in her life, I recommended she visited a therapist. She did. Her issues aren't gone. But they have been treating the PTSD caused by the relationship. And she is doing much better. Better yet, she has idea of where her troubles came from and that's half (probably even 2/3) of the battle. She, too, went a very long time without telling anyone about her feelings.
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