to my doom...

i am a hard learner.  when i say that, what i mean is that i learn things the hard way...always...

i seem to have to make the same mistakes over and over, ad infinitum, in order to learn something.  i don't know why this is.  i've thought on it (too much), written about it (so often), pulled cards for understanding (many times) and talked about it (much too much).  and yet...here i am...

several years ago, i posted about a lesson that took way too long to learn here.  the part in that many worded post that relates to today's post is lesson three (so you don't have to read the whole thing if you want a reference point). 

today, i signed up for a year long art course with a favorite artist.  one of the aspects is to join a facebook group that is specific to this course.  i haven't been on in months, probably not since early october, i think.  when i logged in, i had several messages and tons of notifications.  i went right to the messages and the first name i see is one that i haven't seen in three years.  that's right, a message from the very teacher of the above linked lesson three. - just to clarify, when i say teacher here, i'm not referring to the art teacher.

to say i was shocked would not be understating it.  i almost didn't read it.  i came thisclose to just closing it and ignoring it.  but i'm just too curious to do so.

it was one of those i think about you often, i've looked for you but couldn't find you, then my kid asks about you so i looked and here you are, i hope you are doing great, kind of messages. 

honestly...what the absolute F U C K!!!  

i broke.  i completely broke into gut wrenching, head pounding sobs.  serious ugly crying, the kind that has tears and snot running down your face and gasping to breathe because your nose is clogged and the sobs are so harsh on your throat that you can't get air.

my "friendship" with this person lasted a really long time and it was such a roller-coaster that it was exhausting.  but ...

she was my best friend.  i could (and did) talk to her about everything.  we could talk for hours and never run out of things to say.  we could sit quietly and just enjoy being in each other's company.  her kids were like my own.  they were a solace and joy to me when i found i couldn't have children.  they talked to me like i was a part of their life.  it was...family.

and each time she decided i was "too much" to deal with she would block me from her life.  which meant i lost them too. and each time it hurt a lot more. 

so three years ago, when it was obvious that she didn't really want me in their lives, i found a way to be okay with that.  i moved on.

yes, i think about them often.  they show up in dreams. i've even picked up the phone a couple of times to call and share something, only to realize that is not an option i have anymore. 

and that one little message brings every bit of pain back to the surface... it claws it's way up and makes me realize why i don't have friends anymore.  why i have no one to talk to about anything.  - to the point that i just don't talk to people.  

i can't take another loss like the one she delivered...

so i thought, and i thought.  i calmed down and stopped crying (although the tears are very, very close to the surface) and i responded to her message.  i left the door open and gave her my phone number if she (or the kids) wanted to call.  

i have a that icky feeling in my stomach.  the one that is a mixture of butterflies, nausea and fear.  did i make a mistake?  should i have just ignored it? should i have said, sorry don't want to talk to you?

i don't know. 

and there are the three little words that seem to be my doom.

i. don't. know.

i get so mixed up in my head that i no longer know what is the best thing to do.  i feel so far removed from my intuition that i never seem to know what is the best for me thing to do.

but she pulled in one of the kids.  she said he'd asked about me. and that sealed my fate.  i'd do anything for those kids.

so...

what will this mean?  will we become friends again?  will i even ever hear from any of them?  i have no idea.  but i'm going to have to figure out how to keep on with my life without anxiously anticipating what will happen.

(i found the message a few hours ago and i've already been back on fb 3 times to see if there was a response.)  that has to stop...

well...

we shall see, what comes of all this...

(those being the other three words i've found that lead to my doom - we shall see)

i think maybe putting this down helped a little

but i still want to cry...

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~