Fear

Do you ever feel afraid?  Not that shocking fear like oh there's a spider, but the deep dark fear that hides inside and keeps you from doing things?  Things like eating in a restaurant by yourself, going on a trip alone, introducing yourself to a stranger at a party?

I do.  I feel afraid all the time.  I only go to drive through fast food places, I might go on a trip once every two or three years, but it is very hard for me.  I feel fear just walking the hundred of so steps to my mailbox to get the mail.  

I don't know where this fear comes from.  I've felt it most of my life.  I even spent 3 months in my house many, many moons ago unable to barely open the front door to get the mail out of the box by the door.  I'd been driving to work one day and just turned my car around and went home.  I didn't leave for months.  I just couldn't.  

That crippling anxiety has kept me from doing so much in my life.  I wonder if that is why I'm alone.  Being scared just to walk through a grocer makes going out to meet people so difficult.  It's hard to make friends (much less get a date), if you can't look people in the eye.

My current biggest fear is that I'll never have any of the dreams I had for myself as a child.  The last one I'm down to that is even remotely possible, is to live in the country/mountains, surrounded by nature, not buildings.  It is something that I've wanted for so long, and I've looked into it many times, including making a couple of offers on property.  But they never worked out.  

Now, with my health getting worse, I'm terrified I'm going to live in the city townhouse for the rest of my life.  Not being able to see the stars at night because of too much light noise, the only wildlife being birds, squirrels and chipmunks. The sounds of bass thumping from cars and the nearby gym, cars honking and traffic on the nearby highway, my lullaby.

I'm not okay with that.  But I'm terrified to try.  I can barely hold a hammer or screwdriver.  I have very little life skills, and pretty much no country living skills.  I can't even climb a step ladder without someone here in case I fall again.  If I moved I'd not have any family (or my favorite handyman) near by and obviously no friends.  (Of course, I don't have any friends nearby now so that probably shouldn't factor.)   

So, what do I do?  Do I keep looking for a property in the mountains that I could be happy in?  Do I stay here and try to figure out how to adjust to not having any of my dreams come true? 

I don't know and I think that makes the fear worse.  It makes me more afraid of spending the rest of my life alone and dying that way.  

So, I don't know what I'll do, I just know that I have to figure out how to fight the fear.  I guess first, I need to figure out which one to fight.

Do you have any fears you're fighting?

Thanks for stopping by,
love & blessings
~*~