maybe one day i will...

 it's a monday, but feels like tuesday.

family is difficult.  or maybe i am. i don't know, anymore. 

i'm finding i have no time for bs.  not for anyone else's and not for my own.

family plans (that i wasn't excited about to begin with, but agreed to to keep peace) were canceled on both saturday and the rescheduled sunday with little to no notice.

i received a call last night from a family member that filled me with so much rage it is a miracle my house is still standing.  i don't want to go into details, but it basically boils down to a family member taking advantage of the rest of us and most of the rest of us enabling that family member.  

back in september, i reached a point where i could no longer handle conversing with my father.  i have a LOT of trauma associated with him and his treatment of me as a child.  he didn't physically abuse me in any way, but his mental and emotional treatment of me, plus his response to others treatment of me, was not a healthy way to grow up.  we've been on the fringes of each others lives for years due to my feeling like i needed to be there because, well, he's my dad. isn't that what you do for parents?  i thought so.  so after years of being told i was too fat, i didn't eat right, i don't work hard enough, i don't keep a clean enough house, i shouldn't spend my money that way, that i don't know anything about politics and i am going to hell because i'm not christian.  years of being told, when i become passionate about a subject and express that to him, that i'm being childish and need to "grow up".  i was d o n e.  i haven't spoken to him since september.  he sent me a check for xmas with a post it note and i mailed it back.  as far as i'm concerned, he doesn't exist.

all that was to say, that i told the family member who called me that the one they were complaining about is thisclose to getting the dad treatment from me.  i also said that if they and the others keep enabling them i'll cut them off too.

i'm not over-reacting.  i'm not being selfish.  i'm not being dramatic. i'm not being mean.

i'm trying to save myself.

every time i get a call about this (cause this is only one of probably hundreds of calls like this) i get sick to my stomach.  i get a horrible migraine.  i can't make myself step outside.  i close all the blinds and hide for days.  days that sometimes turn into weeks.

i realized that this morning as i was writing my daily morning pages.  my pages were full of this issue and the more i wrote the more depressed i became.  i wasn't thinking about what i was writing.  i just write and let whatever comes up, come out.  by the time i got to the end of my three pages, the tone had changed from one of frustration and anger to one of despair.  

normally, i end my pages with some affirmations and an expression of gratitude that i am alive. (it took me a long, long time to be glad that i'm alive).

these are the last few sentences from this mornings pages...

"i don't know how my being angry at ... about their behavior has led me to feeling like i shouldn't be alive anymore.  i don't know why i feel like i'd be better off dead.  that everyone would be better off if i'm dead. like no one would miss me.  like i was never here."

the thing is, this is not true.  i know this is not true and i don't want to be dead.  i'm not suicidal.  

the people that i'm this upset about are the people i have in my life to talk things out.  but i can't talk to them about it.  i have one other person i could go to, but they are on a hiatus right now of their choosing while they "figure out my (their own) shit".  

luckily, i have therapy tomorrow. 

i'll have a lot to talk about and that 50 minutes will be gone in a blink.

so, i'm writing this here.  i just needed to tell someone.  and you all are my someones.  

today is one of those days where i want to just walk away.  i want to walk away from my life and start it over somewhere else.  somewhere far away from the alcoholics and the narcissists and the enablers that make up my family. 

maybe one day i will.

but not today.

if you made it this far, i appreciate you.

i'm not feeling very full of love or kisses or any magical wishes today, so i'll just say...

thanks for reading...

~*~