coming to you live from the...

...horizontal position...

that's right. i'm horizontal. :) i've been horizontal since 9am yesterday morning. sure, i can get up and get vertical for a few minutes for things like, well...bathroom breaks and feeding the kids. otherwise..horizontal is my life

do any of you know how hard it is to type whilst lying down? i didn't realize until this. hope i don't make too many typos

the lumbar puncture went well yesterday, wasn't nearly as bad as i was expecting. it was a bit painful but i did fine. the radiologist said that i do have elevated pressure in the spinal fluid/column/whatevertheyweremeasuring but he didn't know if it was enough to be causing my problem. he said the doc would get the report and get back to me (hopefully this coming week)...they collected about 6 small vials of the fluid to send off for tests but he couldn't or maybe wouldn't tell me what tests would be run.

after the procedure i was sent to recovery to rest for several hours and for some reason while i was lying there in the dark, i broke down and started to just bawl. i don't know what triggered it. i wasn't in any more pain than usual, but something just needed to be let out i suppose.

the rest of the day and night was uneventful. there isn't too much excitement to be had when one is told to lie still for hours and hours. to pass the time i tried to catch up on my blog reading and even watched practical magic on my laptop. i haven't a tv in my bedroom so movies on the laptop it is.

i woke this morning around 6 and slowly got up to feed the kids. there wasn't any pain more than i'm used to when i sat and then stood up so i took that as a good sign. however when bending over to put down the kids food bowls for them, i felt excruciating pains in my head. i worked as quickly as possible then we all went back to bed

a few hours later i woke and when i got up to use the facilities i discovered that the curse of the lumbar side effects had hit me. in addition to my usual migraine pain i have what the doctors called a positional headache. basically if i'm lying flat, it isn't there, but when i try to get to a vertical position, well...back comes the excruciating stabbing pains. i was told that if i got one of these to lay back down for 24 hours and if it is still around after the additional 24 that i'm to call radiology and will have to go back to have a "blood patch". oh and to drink lots and lots of caffine...ugh...

so i've lain here all morning, unable to go back to sleep, but so tired of trying to look at the computer from the side. my mum and brother came by earlier and worked on my yard for me so most of the jungle in the back is gone and the front looks quite lovely (i peaked out when i last got up for a facilities break). it is nice and cool out today according to the weather channel website and oh how i wish i could open my windows and get some cool air...but i haven't the strength nor vertical fortitude right now :) we are to get some thunderstorms later today and i'm quite looking forward to listening to the rain falling

well i must toddle off for now...i can't wait to be able to take pictures again...my posts seem so boring without photos

there are still a few days to enter the CSN stores gift card giveaway. there is a link at the top of the right hand sidebar. i mean who couldn't use a free $80 to spend right? :)

have a wonderful day
blessings
~*~

nerves of steel

yeah... right.. :)

I'll admit it. I'm pretty nervous about tomorrow. I have to be at hospital at 9am. I'm allowed no food or drink after midnight tonight. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow and so am quite worried. But I am making myself believe that everything will go well and maybe we will even figure out what is causing the migraines.

The annual craziness has begun at work. I've been working 10 hour days with no lunch or breaks. It will be like this through the month of August and the beginning of September. With all the take home work I'll probably work at least 60 hours a week and probably more. I have no idea how this is going to work with all these migraines.

Anyway, did you see the button on the top left of my blog? There's a blog party in September in honor of Practical Magic. I'm so excited and have already started planning my party. I hope you'll join me for a magical time.

I managed to make my way out to the garden tonight to check it out and found squash as big as my forearm and okra as long as my foot (I wear a size 7). There were lots of ripe tomatoes but all but one had already been enjoyed. Why do the animals insist on eating half a tomato and the leave the rest of it? Why not eat the whole thing? I ended up using my one tomato and bell pepper for dinner. I made fajitas and used a jalapeno from the garden too.

I think that's about all my brain can conjure to blog about tonight. I really hope I can get a good nights sleep tonight.

Don't forget to enter the giveaway! There is a link at the top of the right sidebar. If this goes well, I will host more giveaways in the future. :)

Depending on how tomorrow goes I may not be around this weekend. But I'll be back in time for the drawing on the 4th. Have a great weekend.

blessings
~*~

decorating and a surprise

so sorry for the downer post yesterday. stuff has built up in my mind and i just needed to get it out of there, you know? i've had so much time that i've spent in my house, mostly lying down because of the pain, i've been thinking about doing some redecorating. i know...last summer i had almost the whole house redone...so i'm not talking about painting the walls or refinishing the floors...all that has been done.

i'm talking about redecorating with furniture/pictures, etc. one of the first things i want to do is change up my bedroom furniture. i have a mission style walnut colored bedroom set that has a queen bed, two nightstands and a dresser with mirror. i'm seriously considering painting them white. i think i need something lighter than the walnut. the furniture is about 10 years old and is made by Bassett so it is good furniture and just wouldn't make sense to get rid of it. but it would be okay to paint it...right? :)

if you were shopping for a new bed? what kind would it be? if i could buy new furniture i'd get something like this.

now as a thank you for hanging in with me during the difficult months and debbie downer posts i have a surprise for you...

are you curious?

well...here it is...

i'm having a giveaway (my first and hopefully not my last)

CSN stores is offering to my readers an $80 gift certificate which can be used in any of their 200+ stores. doesn't that sound great?!

Here are the rules to be entered in the giveaway:

-click on the first link above and check out the bedroom furniture.

-come back here and leave a comment on this post telling me which bed is your favorite.

-for an additional entry, mention this giveaway on your blog and leave a separate comment on this post.

-and if you'd like to have a third entry, check out the CSN Stores and leave me a comment on what you might use the gift certificate on if you won (just cause I'm curious!)

-giveaway will end at midnight on August 3rd. I'll draw a winner (probably from a hat as I've never used those random number generators) and posted on August 4th.

- please be sure that your profile or comment contains your email address so i can contact you to let you know you've won.

Now for the fine print: This contest is open to US and Canadian readers (sorry to those in other areas!). If you choose to purchase an item that does not have free shipping, you will be responsible for shipping costs. If you are in Canada, there may be International fees that you will be responsible for. You must be 18 to enter.

Good luck to everyone!

blessings
~*~

a little of this and a little of that

(warning...this post may be quite on the wonky side and possibly more than a little morose...don't feel you must read on, i won't be offended...) :)

I'm still here and hanging on. I've wanted to post and have been doing pretty well keeping up with all my blog reading, but just haven't known what to say.

I've had several opportunities open to me lately. I had to drop out of my herbal studies due to finances, but the teacher (a good friend) offered to let me continue on at no charge. I've tried, but missed too many classes and now am so behind I just don't see the point in continuing.

Another opportunity was from the lovely Sarah offering up her Let Fly e-course at no charge this go round. I joined up and have been trying to participate. I'm a little behind, but plan to dedicate more time to it and get caught up. I can't let this opportunity pass me by. I even had another opportunity to take a workshop with a woman from my state who is quite renowned in the women's spirituality circles. I made it through the first half before I had to leave due to a severe migraine.

On the health front, my neurologist is ready to give up and is referring me to another neurologist out of town. The good days have been few and very far between. The meds that my neurologist has had me on over the past six months have really messed me up. I'm either so tired that I sleep through my alarm which is going off for over an hour...or I can't sleep at all, for days. As a last ditch effort to find some physical cause for the migraines, he has me scheduled for a spinal tap this coming Friday. I'm not the happiest puppy in the pound right now. He says he's willing to continue treating me but he just doesn't know what to do for me. We've been through over 17 different meds and not a single one has relieved the pain. So the tap is to test the fluid in my brain and also to check the pressure of that fluid. I can't decide if I want them to find something or if I want it to come back normal. I just don't know how to function with this constant pain and no known cause for it. My neurologist is also talking about taking me out of work and putting me on disability. Two months with no pay and then only half my usual monthly income after that. I don't know how I could possibly get by.

On top of all that is the fact that my gardens have become a jungle. My house looks like a tornado has blown through. And I seem to have lost my mojo. No...really...I no longer can connect with spirits like I used to. I can't seem to feel anything in regards to the energy of spirits or even other people. It is driving me to distraction.

I'm also having to begin considering the fate of my beloved boy. My big old boy, the beast. He is getting poorly so quickly now it is breaking my heart. He can't see in the dark any more or even with low light. He can't hear me call him either. I have to go to him and guide him to wherever I want him to go. He's breathing heavily almost all the time, as if he's just run a long way or is sitting out in the hot summer heat for a long time. (I keep the house at 72 day and night mostly to keep him cool.) And now his legs are giving out on him. When he tries to stand up, his back legs just slide right out from under him on most every occasion and he's developed a terrible limp in his front legs. And every couple of days, he poops while he's asleep. Ick.

Wow, writing all that down really shows me just how bad off he is. I don't think he's happy anymore. He seems so sad all the time and I'm afraid I will soon have to make a decision that I just don't know how to make. When my poor Jade left me, it all happened so quickly. One day she was fine and the next, she was ready to leave. I could see how much pain she was in, she could barely breathe and while it was a very difficult decision to make, it seemed more merciful to not make her suffer any longer. With the beast, I just can't tell. I keep telling myself that I'll know when it is time, but I don't ever want it to be time and I'm afraid that is affecting my judgement.

So...are you depressed yet? I am. I know that part of my problems lately are stemming from depression. But I also know that the migraines are not being caused by depression. I'm trying to think of happy things. I have a trip or two coming up in the fall. I'm going back to my much loved New Orleans. I'll also be taking a trip back to the mountains. I'm looking forward to these things and trying to use them to help me get through the upcoming month of chaos and pressure that will be my job. August is a crazy month at work and somehow I have to find the strength and will to get through it.

I can tell you one thing I'm really looking forward to. Check out the button on the top left of my blog. The lovely Justina and Anna are hosting a "Practical Magic" blog party on September 25th. I'm so excited about this! Practical Magic is one of my favorite books and is definitely my favorite movie! I'll be participating in this blog party. I'm already planning in my head the things I want to do. So head on over and sign up if you are a fan and want to participate...or just go back on September 25th and check out the parties!

blessings
~*~

renew, regroup, retry

after a lousy week at work and a plethora of migraine days, i took off with some friends for a mountain holiday getaway...



the weekend was spent eating good food - that i didn't have to cook, getting lots of hugs and kisses from my littlest friends, watching fireworks, walks around the lake and even a seance or two...



little girl and little boy laughter is a wonderful balm to the soul and the love from good friends - adults, teens and toddlers - heals in so many ways...

the weekend was a chance to renew my soul, to think about my life and how to regroup it to be what i truly want and an opportunity to retry things that used to come easy to me, but have been taken for granted or neglected all together...

teaching star light, star bright to my littlest playmates was such a wonderful experience, watching them repeat the words in earnest and blowing kisses to the stars to carry their wishes to the universe (their idea) was so very magical...

i came home yesterday to a heat wave...it is so hot outside that just stepping out the door for a moment is overwhelming... however the garden needed checking and tending this afternoon, so i put on my garden shoes...



and headed to the garden to water...



this is causing part of the problem...


not a cloud to be found... we desperately need some rain...

but i did find a few things that were ready to come in...



i'm hoping to rid myself of this latest migraine and head back to work tomorrow. i have a lot of thinking still to do, decisions to make as to my life and work and my health...
i hope you had a wonderful 4th if you live in or are from the US and if not that you had a great weekend.
blessings
~*~