unintentionally sporadic care...

i - this week has been crap...

ii - the cold is coming so the plants have been brought in.  i'm trying some in new places, hoping they will survive my unintentionally sporadic care...

iii - i swear yesterday was monday.  really...i don't know where the last four days went...

iv - therapy this week and it was spent not talking about what i'd gone in thinking i wanted to talk about, but about how small the world is (turns out my therapist was a part of a community i used to be a part of and we know a lot of the same people)...

v - it is THAT time of year again.  the time when nearly every show and commercial and radio station and all of the world is in the "its the most wonderful time of the year", and i'm in 'i f*king hate being alone and just want the world to shut up because it all makes me cry'...

vi - i'm pondering next year's plans.  2021 was the year of art and i have spent it participating in a couple of year long art groups (and i've enjoyed it very much, despite feeling constantly behind).  several months ago i was hit with my word for 2022 - create.  

    when it came to me, i realized that while i have done a lot of art this year, it's always someone else's art.  so for 2022, i want to create my own.  and not just painting/mixed media, but creating everything.  i want to play with clay, metal, wood, baking, cooking, just...create. 

vii - due to my create plan, i'm having trouble deciding if i should re-up for some of the year long art groups.  i've settled my mind on one of them, but the big one i'm just not sure about yet...decisions, decisions...

viii - my numbers have been high, and i can't seem to get a handle on them.  does insulin stop working?  i swear i always feel like i'm playing russian roulette when i eat/bolus. diabetes fatigue is so very real, y'all...

ix - i'm itching to hit the road. i want the ocean and/or the mountains. but...

x - i agreed to fix the turkey meal again this year and i also took on xmas.  however...the turkey plans changed as an attendee to the meal has been to 3 football games in the past week and will attend another one the day before coming to my house.  my plague anxiety is such that i've gone back to last years turkey meal plan (i'll prepare togo dishes for them to take away). we'll have to see what happens for xmas.

well...that's it for now. i hope you're all hanging in there...

thanks for reading...

~*~

 

november greetings

november, already.

october flew by so very quickly.

little projects around the house, lots of arting, and lots of pain.

it slipped by before i could really enjoy it.

but ...

i made the most of it that i could and wrangled a few things to look forward to over the coming year.

i hope you had a wonderful october.  

anyhoots...just a brief note to welcome the new month and say hello, i'm thinking of you...

thanks for visiting

~*~ 

 

all the autumny goodness...

 

happy October wishes to you...

as i'm currently in quarantine, self-imposed - which i will explain later, i can't get out to take pictures of this beautiful autumn first of October day.  so, i dived into my photo archives to find some October pictures for this post.  above we have 2020, 2014 and 2009.

i'd meant to post long past in early september, but the month got away from me.  so much happening and so much to tend to.

i'm hoping to share it all here over the coming weeks.  as well as, bringing some new things to share.

and so it is October... and you know what that means around here.  all the autumny goodness to be delved into.  even if it does still feel like summer here in the south.  my mind is all in for cozy blankets, lighting the fireplace, crunching leaves under my feet and lots of warm soups and stews. and we can't forget the spooky season.  my little witches are all itching to come out of their cupboards and visit for the month.

yesterday, while working in my studio on an art piece, i had the thought that if i go all out with decorating for halloween, i might just leave it up through xmas.

then i discovered that not only will i be hosting thanksgiving, but i'll be taking over the xmas holiday hosting as well. so...halloween will come out, and will have to go up before thanksgiving.

well..that's alright then.

i have a serious craving for pumpkin bread right now and hope to get to that today or tomorrow.

i just wanted to pop in quickly to say hello, welcome October and wish you all a happy autumn season.

i hope to be back very soon.  i have so much to share!

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

crashing...

 i don't really have a lot of words today...

i've been in the bad place again and thought maybe sharing some photos from last months beach trip would help a bit.

today is my annual hell day, during my annual hell week of my annual hell month...  sigh...

there is so much happening out there and it terrifies me, so i stay in... in my head, in movies, tv shows and books. 

but...things must get done...adventures await and i have work to do to be ready for them...

my cell phone photos turned out so much better than my dsl ones.  i'm seriously debating if i should even bother to take my dsl camera on my next adventure.  we'll see...

ocean or mountains?  which do you prefer?

i have such a hard time choosing.  i know that when i am in the mountains, i breathe so much easier.  the air feels lighter as it fills my lungs and i feel more at ease.

by the sea, i feel enervated with energy. the sound and sight of the waves crashing, not to mention the feel of them on my skin, soothes my system somehow.

when i was at the beach last month i realized that sunlight is a drain to my energy, but i am energized by moonlight.  maybe i should start gardening under the night sky. :-)

anyhoots... 

moonlight or sunshine? ocean or mountains?  which sings to your soul and fills you with joy?  i'd love to know...

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

learning to listen...

- wow these past two weeks flew by...

- i came home from a wonderful trip by the sea, but there were complications and a little heartache and it knocked me for a loop

- migraines are bitches and can kiss my ass

- i have a big adventure coming up in a few weeks and i'm finally starting to get myself together so i can be ready

- i've just spent the last 3 hours catching up on my blog feed posts.  i got to the top, hit refresh to see if anything had shown up while i was scrolling and ended up with another long list to sort through. i should have refreshed before i started...

- i'll admit, i'm pretty worried about this upcoming adventure.  mostly because of the current plague situation.  

- i'm learning to listen to my dreams.  night before last i had one that was very vivid and memorable, which used to be the case for all my dreams.  i'm paying attention now and trusting my intuition...

- i'm thinking about joining in with this...

- it is hard, thinking that i've made progress with myself, that i've grown and matured and then to have it all come tumbling down and feel like i'm back to where i was... 

- is it her or is it me?  

- time to get to those things that must be ordered for the adventure.  but, of course, now i have screen fatigue and don't want to spend more time on the computer... oh well... maybe a little now and a little later...

as always, thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes..

~*~

 

ps...i'm so behind on the tea parties.  i hope to work on visiting everyone today and tomorrow.  thank you for all the visits and kind words...

 
 

 

let's have some tea...

Hello and welcome to my mad tea party.  As you can see, the white rabbit and cheshire cat are here.  The Hatter is somewhere around...he doesn't stray far from his hat.

 

 

We can read Alice's story again while we have a spot of tea.  Oops...looks like I forgot to fill the kettle.  Make yourself at home, I'll be back.

Now, that's better.  Lots of tea and treats to eat while we visit.  Just be careful of the yellow cakes.  I think they might cause a little... well...

 

I told you to watch out for the yellow ones.  Have a little sip from the bottle and things will turn right side up.

There now... Let's have a nibble and a chat shall we?  I just love having a tea party.  It is so much fun to visit, isn't it? 

Oh my, look at the time.  Well, this has been lovely to catch up over tea and treats. Please stay as long as you like, enjoy the treats and come back anytime.  See you next time!

~*~

 

ps...Thank you to our wonderful party hostess, Vanessa.  Her parties are always so beautiful.  It is so much fun to play along!

 

 

three things thursday...

 

 i - vitamin sea

ii - vitamin sea

iii - vitamin sea

 

hope you are having a great week...

thanks for reading.

~*~

half dead, half hollow...

this hasn't been a good week for me. the migraorbs have been running rampant through my brain.

i've spent the week in bed with just a very few outings...

the only art i've done this week is the two sketches above.

the second sketch i drew waiting in my doc's office for an appointment. i'm calling it half dead half hollow.  it's pretty much how i've been feeling.

but...there is a little bit of hope coming through. i've been able to get several errands run today.  and it looks like there may be a trip coming up soon, so something to look forward to...

speaking of something to look forward to

 

the lovely Vanessa is hosting a mad tea party this year.  i'm planning to join in so i hope to see you there (and here) next weekend.

well...time to go put out the mail for pickup tomorrow and clean off my bed so i can try to sleep.

thanks for reading...

~*~

 

saturday in the garden...

i took a little tour of the garden this morning and this is what i found...

finally a roma tomato that wasn't suffering from blossom end rot, plus a few more cherry tomatoes.  i'm completely in love with the little cherries. so delicious and perfect for my evening salads...

i don't see many bees in the garden so the busy one above was a thrill...

i can't remember all the seeds i spread in the flower garden so the two different varieties of cosmos make me happy and the love in a mist is so beautiful!  i'd completely forgotten about those and was so surprised when i found it...

the flower patch picture, the fence is 8ft tall.  i'm so excited by how tall those sunflowers are getting.  

i have a LOT of weeding to do in the flower patch and a little in the veg patch.  i need to pick some herbs for drying and make some pickles from the cucumbers (a couple of mine and a big bag our handyman brought over).  

it's been a hard week and yesterday was pretty much a lying in bed watching wimbledon and art videos.  i never changed out of my pajamas.

today is feeling a little better. i've done some work for a class i'm taking and also did a painting this morning.

maybe tomorrow i can get in the garden for a little work...

how are things growing in your gardens?

thanks for reading...

with love,

~*~

 

maybe one day i will...

 it's a monday, but feels like tuesday.

family is difficult.  or maybe i am. i don't know, anymore. 

i'm finding i have no time for bs.  not for anyone else's and not for my own.

family plans (that i wasn't excited about to begin with, but agreed to to keep peace) were canceled on both saturday and the rescheduled sunday with little to no notice.

i received a call last night from a family member that filled me with so much rage it is a miracle my house is still standing.  i don't want to go into details, but it basically boils down to a family member taking advantage of the rest of us and most of the rest of us enabling that family member.  

back in september, i reached a point where i could no longer handle conversing with my father.  i have a LOT of trauma associated with him and his treatment of me as a child.  he didn't physically abuse me in any way, but his mental and emotional treatment of me, plus his response to others treatment of me, was not a healthy way to grow up.  we've been on the fringes of each others lives for years due to my feeling like i needed to be there because, well, he's my dad. isn't that what you do for parents?  i thought so.  so after years of being told i was too fat, i didn't eat right, i don't work hard enough, i don't keep a clean enough house, i shouldn't spend my money that way, that i don't know anything about politics and i am going to hell because i'm not christian.  years of being told, when i become passionate about a subject and express that to him, that i'm being childish and need to "grow up".  i was d o n e.  i haven't spoken to him since september.  he sent me a check for xmas with a post it note and i mailed it back.  as far as i'm concerned, he doesn't exist.

all that was to say, that i told the family member who called me that the one they were complaining about is thisclose to getting the dad treatment from me.  i also said that if they and the others keep enabling them i'll cut them off too.

i'm not over-reacting.  i'm not being selfish.  i'm not being dramatic. i'm not being mean.

i'm trying to save myself.

every time i get a call about this (cause this is only one of probably hundreds of calls like this) i get sick to my stomach.  i get a horrible migraine.  i can't make myself step outside.  i close all the blinds and hide for days.  days that sometimes turn into weeks.

i realized that this morning as i was writing my daily morning pages.  my pages were full of this issue and the more i wrote the more depressed i became.  i wasn't thinking about what i was writing.  i just write and let whatever comes up, come out.  by the time i got to the end of my three pages, the tone had changed from one of frustration and anger to one of despair.  

normally, i end my pages with some affirmations and an expression of gratitude that i am alive. (it took me a long, long time to be glad that i'm alive).

these are the last few sentences from this mornings pages...

"i don't know how my being angry at ... about their behavior has led me to feeling like i shouldn't be alive anymore.  i don't know why i feel like i'd be better off dead.  that everyone would be better off if i'm dead. like no one would miss me.  like i was never here."

the thing is, this is not true.  i know this is not true and i don't want to be dead.  i'm not suicidal.  

the people that i'm this upset about are the people i have in my life to talk things out.  but i can't talk to them about it.  i have one other person i could go to, but they are on a hiatus right now of their choosing while they "figure out my (their own) shit".  

luckily, i have therapy tomorrow. 

i'll have a lot to talk about and that 50 minutes will be gone in a blink.

so, i'm writing this here.  i just needed to tell someone.  and you all are my someones.  

today is one of those days where i want to just walk away.  i want to walk away from my life and start it over somewhere else.  somewhere far away from the alcoholics and the narcissists and the enablers that make up my family. 

maybe one day i will.

but not today.

if you made it this far, i appreciate you.

i'm not feeling very full of love or kisses or any magical wishes today, so i'll just say...

thanks for reading...

~*~

friday in the garden...

hi again...

it took a little bit longer than i'd hoped but i'm here in this space again to share a little of what's blooming in my world.

i think i mentioned in my last post that i did a major overhaul of my little patio garden area.  i had 5 shrubs removed from two different spots.  then i turned soil (ugh...) and added a bunch of top soil and nutrient dense soil from the garden center.  

thus began the creation of my little veggie patch...

{the veggie patch contains a cage of cucumbers, a little pot of lettuce (i want to harvest the seed), an eggplant, a cayenne pepper plant, basil, a pot of peppermint, cilantro that has gone to seed, cherry tomato plant and two short rows of carrots.}

 
and my little flower patch...

the sunflowers on the left side are over a foot taller than i am. (don't get too excited, i'm only 5'2", haha)  i'm so excited to have sunflowers again! my paternal granddaddy always grew sunflowers in a tiny patch of dirt in front of his garden.  every time i see a sunflower i think of him.

these hydrangea blossoms are so delightful to me.  i plan to cut a few blooms to bring in soon.

i'd had some daisies planted in a pot for a few years.  i took them out, divided them and put them in the flower patch.  now they are blooming wonderfully.  in the flower patch i had found a foxglove to plant, the aforementioned daisies and some tickseed i also had in a pot.  i planted all that, then found a small purple/blue salvia to plant, then tossed in a ton of seeds to see what would happen. 

i've not weeded this area as i wasn't sure i'd be able to tell what i wanted there and what was making an unscheduled visit, but i hope to get out there soon to clean it up a bit.  i think now i can tell by the leaves.  i planted holyhock, lupin, more foxglove seeds, delphinium, cosmos and something else i've forgotten.  

i don't expect everything to bloom this year, but i'm hoping for good blooms next year. 

i've picked 4 cucumbers and there are lots more growing, and one cherry tomato that was so delicious.. oh my, it was soooo good.  i have roma tomatoes in a pot and i've had lots of fruit, but so far they all have blossom end rot.  i'm hoping it will get better.

below is a hanging basket of million bells with black petunias!  that's right! BLACK PETUNIAS!!  i couldn't believe them when i came across them in the garden center.  i wish i'd bought more than one, and if i ever find them again i'll buy a lot!  they are a deep dark purple that shows black. so beautiful (sorry i can't remember their name!)

 well, that's a little tour of my garden.  i've spent a lot of time out there and am enjoying it immensely.  i have a little more area to fill out then there is a section by the woods i want to expand a little more, a place i can add more flowers!

even if my veggie patch doesn't work out, i can fill it with flowers and be thrilled.  

so mostly i've been up to garden shenanigans, painting and some other craziness i'll share another time.  

so tell me...how are you spending your days this summer?

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~