18 June 2010

Chaos

I'm still here. Still fighting the migraines on a daily basis. I want to say how much I appreciate the kind words that you write in the comments, the healing wishes. I just do not have the words to express how much those words mean to me. How they are the light in my darkness right now.

I saw my neurologist earlier this week. We are both extremely frustrated by my lack of improvement. He has changed my medications again and I am now taking dilaudid as well as several other medications. Now, the constant pain in my head has been joined by tremors, nausea and a complete inability to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. He has begun pushing for me to have a spinal tap (which scares me more than the thought of having to live with this pain for the rest of my life). He also suggested that I look into being treated at a nationally renowned clinic in Michigan. I don't see how that is possible at this time.

I've taken to getting up in the mornings, making my way slowly to work and immediately taking my pills, including almost every day a pain pill or muscle relaxant. I'm so medicated that even though I'm sitting at my desk, I am accomplishing nothing. I feel like a hollow shell most days. Having to tolerate the noise and bright lights of the room is almost as mind numbing as the drugs.

I feel as if my life is chaos. Everywhere I look it seems to be quite the mess. The household chores have been forgotten as I arrive home and crawl into bed almost as soon as I've finished feeding the kids. The gardens and yard are an utter disaster and I'm very sad that I can't find the energy and inclination to spend any time working in them. Everything about my life and myself just feels so... wrong. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be in pain every moment and I shouldn't be so sad all the time. I keep thinking that this can't be the life I am meant to live.

I am determined, however, to find some small happiness every day. Some measure of peace and joy that can dispel the gloom around me. Reading my favorite blogs, discovering new ones is one of those lights. During one of those bouts of blog reading I found a lovely opportunity to get this:


These beautiful charms came from the amazingly lovely and talented Nina Bagley. They arrived in the mail today, bringing such joy and happiness into a miserably painful day. I had the opportunity to pick the words that I wanted in the charms..."magic" was a given and the "true" seemed important to me...a chance to remember to be true to myself. I can't wait to wear them.

The summer solstice is almost upon us. Sunday we will have a local solstice festival at the park near my home. I am hoping to attend with my friend and her family. It is sad really, but my favorite part of the summer solstice is that it means fall and winter are on their way. I like summer, I love the growing season, the flowers and fresh fruits and vegetables. But I just can't take the heat...it's been in the mid to high 90's for several weeks and looks to continue on this coming week. It has brought us some lovely thunderstorms, which I love.

Well, enough of my rambles. It's taken me over three hours to get this written and I apologize for the disjointedness of it. Next week I'm going to have a book review for you. If I don't get back here before then, I hope that you have a lovely weekend and a warm, sunny and magical summer solstice.



blessings
~*~

6 comments:

Rue said...

I really hope your Dr. can find some reason - something to explain the migranes. I know a spinal tap scares you, but if it could possibly help rule out or pinpoint a problem....it might be worth it.

I am glad that you will attend your Midsummer celebration though - and that you find some small joy each day. I can't imagine how hard it must be. I rarely get migranes anymore but I can't forget how crippling they are.

Lots of healing energy to you!

Rilana said...

I hope you feel better soon and the migraines go away...I just stopped by to say...I LOVE your photos. They are always beautiful. :-) HUGS!

laoi gaul~williams /I\ said...

sending you some good vibes fromt he new forest~i really hope you find a cause and good treatment very soon~i know how miserable migraines are {hugs}

Anonymous said...

I took MAXALT but could only get it in Canada, don't know the current status but this stuff really worked for me. Then I had to have a hysterectomy (not related to the migraines) and wow the first time in my life I'm migraine free. I wish you the best because I know how totally debilitating the headaches can be!

Jennifer MacNeill-Traylor said...

Sending healing vibes and well wishes your way. I hope you feel better soon. Love your header:)

Patricia said...

Glad you are still fighting the fight and hanging on. And glad to hear from you again. Sending healing thoughts out to you on the breeze today...