25 October 2009

finding the light



I've been in the dark for a while now. I think it all started when I went to the mountains early in the month. That trip went so badly and I seemed to spiral down after that. I've felt so lost, so alone. Most of the past several weeks I can't even remember. There have been times when it seems like I'm awaking from a dream...I've lost time, found myself in places that I have no recollection of going to. I've missed a lot of work, a lot of family and friend time. I guess I've been hiding, but I don't know what I'm hiding from. I know Halloween is coming up, but I really have felt like a zombie. Not the kind that eats brains, but the kind that just goes through the motions, that kind can barely get up the energy to get out of bed.

What time I remember, has been spent here...


...or here...


I've barely seen the changes outside, only stepping out the front door far enough to collect the mail from the box. I made two excursions away from home this week. One, at the instance of a dear friend, to collect a few spiritual tools to aid in overcoming my current state (only to find the shop was out of most of what I needed). Several hours and a scary trip to the wal-marts later, I felt almost worse than when I left. Friday, I skipped out on a family dinner, which angered my mum making the situation even worse.

Yesterday was the last session of the nine month course I've been taking in herbal medicine making. It was a lovely time and I'm so glad that I practically forced myself to leave the house and go. I realized on the drive to class (40+ minutes from home) that I'd missed the change in the light. That time of year where the light turns from blindingly bright to a subtle glow. That is always when I know fall is here (despite the temperature in the high 70's). I think that is also when I realized how in the dark I'd been.

The rest of the day yesterday and today have been spent trying to find the light...bringing it back into my home and into me.





I'm not there yet...but I'm getting closer.

blessings
~*~

6 comments:

Mother's Moon's Message said...

I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling so down. Sometimes it is a difficult thing to explain to others the magnitude of such a weight and how hard it can be at times to motivate yourself. It was good to hear you did make it out some esp. to your last class. In your photos you showed your couch as a place you frequent. It appeared that someone else did too. the dog... Animals are tremendous at times like these. At least for me... Hope your days become brighter.

Patricia said...

Sometimes we all need some alone time--don't feel bad about making others upset about this, just do what you need to take care of yourself first. They'll still be there when you are ready for more social undertakings. Souns like you are getting more and more ready to come out of the hibernation each day. Bright blessings-

Jennifer MacNeill-Traylor said...

I really hope you feel better soon! I know when I get in a funk, a long walk through the woods or park really helps.

The Bird said...

Just stopping by to thank you for joining my blog :) Have a Blessed Samhain!

Rue said...

Fall has always been a time to turn inward for me, and I have to fight off my desire to hibernate. I agree with Jennifer - taking a walk works miracles - a piece of advice I need to take myself!

Hope you find your "light!"

Ren said...

Just want you to know I'm thinking about you..