25 October 2009
finding the light
I've been in the dark for a while now. I think it all started when I went to the mountains early in the month. That trip went so badly and I seemed to spiral down after that. I've felt so lost, so alone. Most of the past several weeks I can't even remember. There have been times when it seems like I'm awaking from a dream...I've lost time, found myself in places that I have no recollection of going to. I've missed a lot of work, a lot of family and friend time. I guess I've been hiding, but I don't know what I'm hiding from. I know Halloween is coming up, but I really have felt like a zombie. Not the kind that eats brains, but the kind that just goes through the motions, that kind can barely get up the energy to get out of bed.
What time I remember, has been spent here...
I've barely seen the changes outside, only stepping out the front door far enough to collect the mail from the box. I made two excursions away from home this week. One, at the instance of a dear friend, to collect a few spiritual tools to aid in overcoming my current state (only to find the shop was out of most of what I needed). Several hours and a scary trip to the wal-marts later, I felt almost worse than when I left. Friday, I skipped out on a family dinner, which angered my mum making the situation even worse.
Yesterday was the last session of the nine month course I've been taking in herbal medicine making. It was a lovely time and I'm so glad that I practically forced myself to leave the house and go. I realized on the drive to class (40+ minutes from home) that I'd missed the change in the light. That time of year where the light turns from blindingly bright to a subtle glow. That is always when I know fall is here (despite the temperature in the high 70's). I think that is also when I realized how in the dark I'd been.
The rest of the day yesterday and today have been spent trying to find the light...bringing it back into my home and into me.
I'm not there yet...but I'm getting closer.