Part 3

Bullets, Bombshells and The Best Laid Plans...

I'm back today with part 3 of my round up of the events of this year, so far.  You can find part 1 at Bullets and Part 2 at Bombshells. 

The Best Laid Plans

If you've been reading here for a while, you'll know that I go through periods of hibernation.  Living with chronic pain every minute makes living a full life very difficult for me.  Last year, I spent most of the year in extreme hibernation and finally started to come out of it around the middle to end of summer.  

Emerging meant finding things to help me cope with the pain and finding things that I can enjoy and make me feel like I'm actually living as opposed to existing.  Activities such as drawing, painting, writing, blogging, taking pictures, baking, etc.

Sometime last August or September, I found myself with an overwhelming desire to be outside.  So I started taking walks.  When I started, I couldn't even walk a half mile.  But I kept at it, and each time I walked, I was able to go a little bit further.  Eventually, I'd built up to 3.5 miles. 

When the new year came around I was doing great.  Exercising, drawing/painting every day, knitting a lot, and in general just having a rather enjoyable time.  I became determined to keep that going and not let myself get sucked back into the deep dark pit.  I joined the local Y and signed up with a personal trainer.  I exercised at least six days a week and joined a couple of art challenges online.   I felt so good.  I was very proud of myself for my exercising (and all the weight I'd lost and stamina that I'd built up).  I was getting much better with my drawings and my art in general was much improved. 

And well...the best laid plans...

Yep, you guessed it.  With the events of part 1 and part 2, everything fell apart.  I couldn't hold a pen/pencil/paintbrush steady with all the trembling (emotional and prescription change induced), I couldn't find time to hit the gym between hospital trips and bedside tending.  Then the new prescriptions kicked in and I could barely get out of bed.  It all became a giant cluster f*%#.  So...

Here I sit, beginning AGAIN.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is try again, over and over.

I went for a walk this morning as soon as I woke up.  The sun wasn't quite above the tree line and I felt it might be safe.  I walked .86 miles and it took me almost 18 minutes.  Before I quit exercising back in March, I'd worked up to almost a 15 minute mile.  :-(

Oh well...

Now I'm moving forward.  There are lots of things to look forward to, including figuring out my new computer (which I'm currently typing on and having a bloody difficult time doing), tea parties, summer flowers and gardens, fresh fruits and veggies and more.

On to the fun!  It is once again time for the wonderful summer extravaganza that is the Mad Hatter Tea Party.  Vanessa announced the date last week and here is my formal announcement that I'll be joining in the fun.

If you'd like to join in, click the link here.  It will take you to the post on Vanessa's blog announcing the party. 

Come join us for the party, it will be loads of fun!

Thanks for stopping by!

love & blessings

~*~

just a regular ol' saturday...

I love September!  The cool air first thing in the morning, the way the light changes so very quickly, yarn, pumpkins...what's not to love?  I took a page from Mary and tried the little acorns.  They are so cute and yummy.  Click on her name and it will take you to the post in which they are referenced.  She has the most lovely displays that she does and the recipes are great.

A couple of days ago I was hunting through Ravelry for something to knit.  I'm wanting a very light weight shrug to wear as so many of the clothes out now just don't have enough sleeve for me.  I came across a pattern that I fell in love with and ended up ordering the book it was in.  It arrived today and I'll be hunkering down with it soon to decide what to knit first.  Everything in it is so pretty and cozy.  I looked at the pattern for the shrug and thought, oh my word...what was I thinking?  

Well, just like with anything else...practice, practice, practice.  This is something I find I am reminding myself of constantly.  No one is perfect at something the very first time.  Well, maybe a very few are, but I'm not one of them.  So, I'll keep doing things that make me happy and working on things over and over until I get them right.  

My neighbor was getting rid of her giant snake plant she'd had for thirty odd years.  She let me take what I wanted from it so I potted up a couple of the bulbs.  I've never had a snake plant so will need to do some research into how to care for it.  I'd been wanting something to put in that planter that my granddaddy made and now I have it.  Hopefully the plant will like it there.  For some reason I want to call her Marge.  I have NO idea why...

I am off to start dinner.  I'm cooking a pork tenderloin and making some rice, then I'm mixing some together with a few spices and stuffing one of those giant peppers I bought at the farmers market yesterday.  

I hope you are having a wonderful Saturday.  US Open and college football for me.  Are you doing anything special for the labor day weekend?  

thanks for stopping by, 
love & blessings
~*~

 

back again...

No, I'm not dead.  Although it has seemed that way for the last several months. I think this move was harder for me than expected on a mental, emotional and spiritual level, anyway.  

So I stayed away from blogland.  I stayed away from people in general.  I became pretty much a hermit.  I would only go out to get the mail or take the trash out maybe once a week and only once it was dark out.  I just didn't want to see anyone or anyone to see me.  

I don't really know why.

I'm really sad to say that it became so bad that the day before I was supposed to leave to go to Maryland for the Red Thread Retreat, I typed up an email to the host/instructor to say I wasn't coming.

But I didn't send it.  I sat staring at it for a while.  Then I hit delete and made myself get dressed and go to the store to get the few things I needed to pick up to take with me.  I came home, packed and left the next morning.

It was the BEST decision I have made in a very, very long time.

I really think it saved my life.

Literally.

Things changed when I hit that delete key.  They changed even more when I arrived at the retreat center.

The support, encouragement, inspiration, confidence, laughter and love that is shared at this retreat is just amazing.

And, I can't state this enough, it saved my life.

They saved my life.  Those ladies, those sweet, caring wonderful women.

I came home renewed and excited.  I've cleaned up the studio for workspace and more.  I've pulled out the camera again.  I've been making art.  I'm happy with the art I'm making.  I have ideas again of things I want to make.  I'm eating healthy again.  I care about living again.

Well, I guess that is what I felt I needed to say my first time back here in blogland.  I spent a few days catching up on the blogs I follow and feel like it's time to return to sharing.

I hope you all had a wonderful Halloween/Samhain.  I kept my ancestor altar lit all day and past midnight.  I'll keep it lit through All Soul's Day as well.  I did a reading last night and as I shuffled, the cards said they wanted a wheel of the year (as it is the witches' new year) instead of my usual celtic cross.  Half way through, an overwhelming need to "use the facilities" hit me and I  found that my nose had started to bleed.  A sign for certain.  I was pleased with the reading but not with how hard it was for me to remember certain aspects of the cards.  I think more work with the cards is called for.

I also spent some time sending out a hello and general call to the spirit world.  Ever since I moved it has been unusually quiet on that front.  In fact the only spirit I had any contact with since moving was a little friend on my trip.  I must say I miss my spirit friends, two in particular.

I did have a response to my hello and felt a few spirits nearby.  Maybe I had unconsciously turned my shingle to closed over the last months.  No matter now.  I have made the decision to turn to open, and open it will stay.  

An interesting (to me anyway) side note to this is that I could feel the pressure in my head building all day, the constant pressure and pain that is always high on the pain scale was heading way above the top.  Once I 'opened' up to the spirits, the pressure eased off a bit and I felt some relief. (Although the pain stayed at the top of the Doctor approved scale as it always does.)  I find this interesting due to having repeatedly been informed by doctors that they can find no physical cause for the constant severe headaches I've lived with for 8+ years.  Anywho... 

I'm hosting Thanksgiving at my house this year.  Eeek!  So planning for the meal and "entertainment" has already begun.  We're planning for the Sunday after Thanksgiving so we can watch the Steelers game too.  But, if the game isn't on TV then we will meet on Saturday for our meal and then go to the restaurant where we meet with the local Steelers Fan Club for game time on Sunday.  :-)

Well,  I believe I've rambled enough.  I'm off to piddle around the house and maybe see what I can get up to in the studio.  I'm painting a shelf that I need to hang and need to get that done so I can have my space back for making art.

blessings
~*~

ps...I'll post more about the retreat another day.  It deserves a post all on it's own. 

Trying and Doing

Is there really all that much difference in Trying and Doing?  

Trying - make an attempt or effort to do something

Doing - 1. the activities in which a particular person engages
                2. effort, activity

So really, trying and doing are the same thing.  In my mind, trying lacks a little from doing.  To say that I am trying to do something is less encouraging as saying that I am doing something.

When I look at my life right now I can say that I am doing this healthy eating thing (yes, I know, very bad grammar) instead of saying that I am trying to eat healthy.  Because, I am.  I'm on day 23 of the gluten free/sugar free eating and for me that is quite an accomplishment.  

I am, or rather was,  a sugar addict.  I had to have something sweet after every meal and several times in between.  When I snacked it was on cakes, cookies, ice cream and candy.  I can't even imagine how much soda I drank a day. Now if I want something sweet, I have a piece of fruit.  

Or one of these: 

(flourless cocoa cookies from Shirley at gluten free easily)

  or a couple bite of this:
 

 (very berry sorbet from Brooke & Bri at gluten free anonymous)

My meals consisted of bread, pasta, more bread, some meat, maybe a vegetable that had been fried and more pasta.  Now, meat (sorry but I can't give up my meat) and lots of vegetables.  

This new eating way of life for me is a blessing.  I have so much more energy than I have had in my entire 40 odd years.  I haven't had any headache relief, which was the soul purpose of doing this, but I know that it takes time.  I'm willing to wait.  

I enjoy food again.  I look forward to seeing what I can fix for a meal that is healthy and tastes good.  I'm looking forward to making more recipes.  And I really do not miss the sweets.  Those cookies, are perfect.  A yummy blend of chocolate and peanut butter and not too sweet.  I used coconut sugar and was pleasantly surprised that it didn't taste at all like coconut.  And the sorbet was like having my old standby sugar full smoothie.  But this has only natural sugar that is found in fruit.  (I made mine with orange juice concentrate, bananas, and frozen peaches.)  Wonderful.  

I even successfully went out to eat on Sunday and had a gluten free/sugar free meal.  I no longer say that I am trying to eat this way.  

I am doing it.

And it feels so good.

 (flowers from the Farmers Market - to remind me of spring in this cold weather)

What are you doing instead of trying?

blessings
~*~

ps... it doesn't hurt that I've lost 7.5 lbs since the first of January.  :-)

pss... the other thing I'm doing instead of trying is learning to crochet - inspired several amazing ladies, like - Vanessa, and Tif, and Lucy!  

a grey day

I stepped outside to the porch this afternoon and took the above photo.  My lights are on a timer, set to come on at dusk and turn off at dawn.  It was about 4:30 when I saw the lights come on through the window.  It seemed appropriate for today.  For the last several days, actually.  Grey skies...rain...

My heart breaks for the families and friends of those affected by the tragedy in Connecticut.  One of my Facebook friends made the comment that "you cannot rationalize an irrational act".  These have been the only words that have made sense to me.

There has been much activity in my little cottage over the last couple of weeks.  I got it into my head that I couldn't stand the chaos anymore.  So, I went to work.  Every room except one, the laundry, has been cleaned top to bottom and organized as much as possible.  I still have some work to do, tubs in the attic that need to be sorted out.  I'm at my comfort point now, though.  I can look around my home and be comfortable.  I can go into my studio and find my tools easily, sit down at the work table and create.  It has made me very happy.  I even hosted a little dinner party this past weekend.  Just myself, my mum and a friend.  But it was so lovely to have people over and not be embarrassed about the mess.

There has been knitting progress.  I made my first hat.  It didn't turn out exactly as it should, but it turned out cute enough for me.  I was very pleased with it.  I'm planning to make some to give as gifts, probably for next year, as this year has rushed away from me.  This is the year of homemade treats.  I'll be making more goodies this week.  I'm already planning homemade gifts for next year - mostly knitted things, I think.

I finished a scarf for a sweet little boy I know and am working on one for his adorable little sister (below).  She loves color and I thought this yarn would be cute for her.  Now I must get busy working on it so I have it done in time.  She also has a birthday this week and I must get out and shop for something small for her.  I have a few more items to get for this years presents and then I'm done.  I've tried to stay out of the big box stores and shop local as often as possible.

I've missed being here.  I've missed reading the blogs of so many of you.  It is funny to me how many posts I write in my head while I'm cleaning or sorting or baking.  But when I come to the computer and start to write...my mind goes blank. 

I've just realized while sitting here that I never finished sharing about my October adventure.  I will do that soon.  (I promise I'll try.)

I hope that you are all doing well.  Thanks for reading and hanging in there with me.  This time of year is always difficult for me and well...you know.

blessings
~*~

mistakes

have you ever made a mistake?  a mistake that felt so devastating at the time that all you could do was hide in a dark corner and cry?  the pain so intense that it is smothering?  an outlet must be found,  something/anything that will distract you or cover the pain you feel?  even if the distraction is another mistake, a problem in and of itself...

yesterday was one of those days.  it started out bad but seemed to be getting better.  then - BAM! 
a hard public punch to the gut, a slap in the face.  i kept myself together until i arrived home.  the moment i crossed the threshold, i broke down.  blinds were drawn, doors closed.  too much...too much pain, too much embarrassment.   too many thoughts - "stupid!  why do you keep letting this happen?" " how much of a moron can you be?"

i really thought that was it...the final straw, so to speak. 

i hid the rest of the night - kept to myself - no phone, no internet

this morning, i sucked it up and looked for a way to fix it.  by the end of the day, it was taken care of

i hate how it was resolved, but there wasn't another option

i guess i'll come out of my corner now

try to figure out how to make certain i never make this mistake again.

i can do that,  be more careful, more aware.
i have to...

blessings
~*~

ps...due to the big mistake i won't be participating in the Halloween Party hosted by A Fanciful Twist.  i hope you'll take a gander at Vanessa's party.  i know it will be fab!  i will visit those who do host their own party.  i'm just going to think of it as having more time to plan for next year.  :-/

pps...i can't stop listening to this song (sorry bout the adverts)...and this one.  i know... i'm weird.  i don't mind.

take a step, follow a thread

earlier today i took another tiny step toward reclaiming my life. actually, for me it was a giant leap to creating a life i want and can enjoy. i cannot express how happy i have been today. ever since i signed up early this afternoon, i have felt happier than i have in two or three years.

i bet you are wondering where the "thread" comes in, aren't you? well, this is the step that i took: The Red Thread Retreat

so you see, i'll be following a thread, to learn some new things, to explore the world around me, to meet new people and most importantly, to LIVE!

it has been a very good day in my world. not only am i one of the lucky 15, but winter has finally put in an appearance...we have snow!

blessings
~*~

returning to light...

...or maybe the word should be life...returning to life...that's how i feel. i can't believe how long it has been since i have posted here. so much has changed and yet so little. i felt bad for just disappearing, but i didn't really know what to do. i ran out of things to say. i tried to continue reading blogs, but honestly, seeing how much everyone did, how much you all LIVED, it just left me feeling quite useless.

the short story since my last post, is that there has been no improvement in my condition and doesn't appear to have any hope for any. also, i'm now on permanent disability - trying to make ends meet. i think it would be easier if not for all the medical bills each month.

so, here i am, trying to make the best of it...trying to get back to things that i enjoyed. hoping, somehow, i can find the light and follow it back to my life... i guess we'll see how that goes...

blessings
~*~

another round of ramblings

i've been taking it easy today. sitting on the sofa either reading my book or reading my favorite blogs. there was even a short nap involved. to me, december first ushers in the beginning of winter. yes, i know the "official" start isn't until the 21st, but i'm a rebel. :P

so the past few days have been busy. taking all the fall decor away(finally) and putting out my winter decor here and there. i decided not to put up a tree this year and i'm okay with that. i also took the time to create an actual meal. yeah, using pots and pans, real food, spices, ingredients. i know...shocking... i'd been surviving on crackers and cheese, pb&j half sandwichs, mini bags of popcorn and thanksgiving celebration leftovers for the past two weeks. i think i've mentioned my lack of appetite before, so it makes it hard to cook as i never want to eat and i've now got this constant pressure sitting in my throat and diaphram area. ugh.



but it was nice to take the time and effort to put a meal together. it wasn't a lot, green beans, baked chicken in a mushroom sauce with cheese over penne pasta. and i can eat on it all week. i also ended up making pumpkin bread that same night. (that was a huge mess as the big cans i'd bought a few weeks ago and was so excited to use turned out to not be pumpkin but PUMPKIN PIE MIX! and i'd already added in all the spices to the mix and was adding what i thought was pumpkin last!) ugg...turned out pretty good. i was planning to take it in to my co-workers this morning but had a little dilemma last night that kept me from being able to go out today. (more on that in a bit)

yesterday, mum took me out for lunch and a little shopping and window shopping. i picked up a few of the gifts i need to get for holiday presents. then we took a stroll through williams-sonoma (i drooled the whole time) and i went into anthropologie and drooled some more...

after lunch, it was time for my hair appointment. i'd been looking forward to it for a while. time for coloring and we added more purple this time. :) i wish we'd done it in bigger streaks but next time we will, she's already said. i just really like having it there, even if it doesn't show up a lot it makes me happy knowing it is there.

so last night i started a new medication. the doctor had warned me that i would need to rise from bed slowly because it could cause me to be lightheaded. around 3 am i woke needing to use the facilities. so i sat up in bed and waited about 5 minutes before i stood up and went into the bathroom. next thing i know, i'm waking up on the bathroom floor. i felt like i was having a seizure. i crawl back to the toilet (i know...tmi) and then... that's right...i'm waking up on the floor again. this time though i must have hit my head on the sink because i've got quite the bump on my face. and my head is hurting much more than it usually does. i was finally able to get myself finished and back to bed. my face is bruised and swollen, both knees bruised, neck, shoulders, arms hurting. head is very much hurting. this morning when i woke, i sat up very slowly in bed. then i just sat there for about half an hour before i would even attempt to stand up. every step was like walking through a very narrow tiny tunnel and scared me so.



hence the coziness photo as i was afraid to lay back in the bed, since it takes so long to get up once i've had a lie in and why i settled myself on the sofa. i did talk with the doctor's office about another medicine that we are having problems getting approved through insurance and while i had the lady on the phone i mentioned the fainting and she said not to take it again since i've only taken the one dose. (yes, ONE pill did that to me) and i have an appointment to see the doctor on monday so can discuss these concerns with him then.

i'd like to extend another thankyousoverymuch to those who have commented and sent me messages of guidance and hope in my struggles with my health. it means a lot to me. i am trying, using your encouragement, your words, to step outside of myself a little each day and to try for some joy, some happiness to make each day a little brighter. maybe, i reason with myself, a little brightness one day, will lead to a little more brightness the next, and so on and so forth. i know you all know what i mean. i read it in your blogs, see how you all have so much joy and happy to share. and i admire how you do it time and time again. maybe you do have hardships and sadness, but you don't seem to show it. i am one who says what i feel. which is why there are sometimes long silences here. because i know the dreary becomes overwhelming and i don't want to spew it too far or wide. i don't want to always be known for bringing drab and sad to people.

well...i'm off to search the internets for some self learning instructions on how to crochet. i'm so inspired by lucy and many others and want to learn to make granny squares. :)

blessings
~*~

just like the leaves of autumn...

i keep falling... and falling... no matter how many different places i get raked to or piles i get swept up into, i take my punches, take my beatings and fall, farther and farther... i keep wondering where the bottom is... and just how far i have to fall before i find it...

blessings
~*~

different...

that is what i thought my life would be... in oh so many ways...

most recently, i thought the leave of absence from work would make for a very different approach to life. i had imagined that if i wasn't spending all my energy trying to make it through the work day, i'd be able to use that energy for creative endeavors...

apparently, i was wrong...

i wish i could say that i had started writing again or drawing or maybe even re-organizing the studio so that i could get in there and create something...anything. But i haven't.

The only creative thing i've done in the past two weeks was knit on a scarf, make a few meals and bake up some pumpkin bread. i did work in the garden a little last week and get the yard mowed. and there have been lots of books (all ones i've read before) and a few movies. but that is truly the extent of how i have spent my time. i spend a lot of time online, reading blogs and being amazed at all that you wonderful souls do... and there is a lot of time wasted on facebook playing vampire wars or farming...i really need to delete that account.

i feel like i'm in a funk again, one that i don't know how to get out of. three weeks from today i'm having surgery again, to put a stint in my head. the pains are not receding at all, and at times feel worse than ever.

i can't go out and go thrifting (which i've been inspired to do by many of you), i can't purchase any new books so that i can have something new to entertain my mind and i can't go find buy any of the new halloween decor that i see in commercials or online. i saw a cake stand at target that i would love to have, but cannot spend on it as i don't have the funds.

the past two nights - within an hour of having dinner - my blood sugars have plummeted and i don't know why. last night was down to 60 but the night before was a 49...it scared me. i was so pale and shaking so badly. i have to figure out what is going on, because if my blood sugar isn't under control they won't do the surgery.

i've just re-read this post and am really not even sure why i'm posting it...but this is my life and what i have to share...

hopefully something better will be on the horizon. (at least there is the Practical Magic Blog Party to look forward to...)

a little of this and a little of that

(warning...this post may be quite on the wonky side and possibly more than a little morose...don't feel you must read on, i won't be offended...) :)

I'm still here and hanging on. I've wanted to post and have been doing pretty well keeping up with all my blog reading, but just haven't known what to say.

I've had several opportunities open to me lately. I had to drop out of my herbal studies due to finances, but the teacher (a good friend) offered to let me continue on at no charge. I've tried, but missed too many classes and now am so behind I just don't see the point in continuing.

Another opportunity was from the lovely Sarah offering up her Let Fly e-course at no charge this go round. I joined up and have been trying to participate. I'm a little behind, but plan to dedicate more time to it and get caught up. I can't let this opportunity pass me by. I even had another opportunity to take a workshop with a woman from my state who is quite renowned in the women's spirituality circles. I made it through the first half before I had to leave due to a severe migraine.

On the health front, my neurologist is ready to give up and is referring me to another neurologist out of town. The good days have been few and very far between. The meds that my neurologist has had me on over the past six months have really messed me up. I'm either so tired that I sleep through my alarm which is going off for over an hour...or I can't sleep at all, for days. As a last ditch effort to find some physical cause for the migraines, he has me scheduled for a spinal tap this coming Friday. I'm not the happiest puppy in the pound right now. He says he's willing to continue treating me but he just doesn't know what to do for me. We've been through over 17 different meds and not a single one has relieved the pain. So the tap is to test the fluid in my brain and also to check the pressure of that fluid. I can't decide if I want them to find something or if I want it to come back normal. I just don't know how to function with this constant pain and no known cause for it. My neurologist is also talking about taking me out of work and putting me on disability. Two months with no pay and then only half my usual monthly income after that. I don't know how I could possibly get by.

On top of all that is the fact that my gardens have become a jungle. My house looks like a tornado has blown through. And I seem to have lost my mojo. No...really...I no longer can connect with spirits like I used to. I can't seem to feel anything in regards to the energy of spirits or even other people. It is driving me to distraction.

I'm also having to begin considering the fate of my beloved boy. My big old boy, the beast. He is getting poorly so quickly now it is breaking my heart. He can't see in the dark any more or even with low light. He can't hear me call him either. I have to go to him and guide him to wherever I want him to go. He's breathing heavily almost all the time, as if he's just run a long way or is sitting out in the hot summer heat for a long time. (I keep the house at 72 day and night mostly to keep him cool.) And now his legs are giving out on him. When he tries to stand up, his back legs just slide right out from under him on most every occasion and he's developed a terrible limp in his front legs. And every couple of days, he poops while he's asleep. Ick.

Wow, writing all that down really shows me just how bad off he is. I don't think he's happy anymore. He seems so sad all the time and I'm afraid I will soon have to make a decision that I just don't know how to make. When my poor Jade left me, it all happened so quickly. One day she was fine and the next, she was ready to leave. I could see how much pain she was in, she could barely breathe and while it was a very difficult decision to make, it seemed more merciful to not make her suffer any longer. With the beast, I just can't tell. I keep telling myself that I'll know when it is time, but I don't ever want it to be time and I'm afraid that is affecting my judgement.

So...are you depressed yet? I am. I know that part of my problems lately are stemming from depression. But I also know that the migraines are not being caused by depression. I'm trying to think of happy things. I have a trip or two coming up in the fall. I'm going back to my much loved New Orleans. I'll also be taking a trip back to the mountains. I'm looking forward to these things and trying to use them to help me get through the upcoming month of chaos and pressure that will be my job. August is a crazy month at work and somehow I have to find the strength and will to get through it.

I can tell you one thing I'm really looking forward to. Check out the button on the top left of my blog. The lovely Justina and Anna are hosting a "Practical Magic" blog party on September 25th. I'm so excited about this! Practical Magic is one of my favorite books and is definitely my favorite movie! I'll be participating in this blog party. I'm already planning in my head the things I want to do. So head on over and sign up if you are a fan and want to participate...or just go back on September 25th and check out the parties!

blessings
~*~

Chaos

I'm still here. Still fighting the migraines on a daily basis. I want to say how much I appreciate the kind words that you write in the comments, the healing wishes. I just do not have the words to express how much those words mean to me. How they are the light in my darkness right now.

I saw my neurologist earlier this week. We are both extremely frustrated by my lack of improvement. He has changed my medications again and I am now taking dilaudid as well as several other medications. Now, the constant pain in my head has been joined by tremors, nausea and a complete inability to focus on anything for longer than a few minutes. He has begun pushing for me to have a spinal tap (which scares me more than the thought of having to live with this pain for the rest of my life). He also suggested that I look into being treated at a nationally renowned clinic in Michigan. I don't see how that is possible at this time.

I've taken to getting up in the mornings, making my way slowly to work and immediately taking my pills, including almost every day a pain pill or muscle relaxant. I'm so medicated that even though I'm sitting at my desk, I am accomplishing nothing. I feel like a hollow shell most days. Having to tolerate the noise and bright lights of the room is almost as mind numbing as the drugs.

I feel as if my life is chaos. Everywhere I look it seems to be quite the mess. The household chores have been forgotten as I arrive home and crawl into bed almost as soon as I've finished feeding the kids. The gardens and yard are an utter disaster and I'm very sad that I can't find the energy and inclination to spend any time working in them. Everything about my life and myself just feels so... wrong. I shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be in pain every moment and I shouldn't be so sad all the time. I keep thinking that this can't be the life I am meant to live.

I am determined, however, to find some small happiness every day. Some measure of peace and joy that can dispel the gloom around me. Reading my favorite blogs, discovering new ones is one of those lights. During one of those bouts of blog reading I found a lovely opportunity to get this:


These beautiful charms came from the amazingly lovely and talented Nina Bagley. They arrived in the mail today, bringing such joy and happiness into a miserably painful day. I had the opportunity to pick the words that I wanted in the charms..."magic" was a given and the "true" seemed important to me...a chance to remember to be true to myself. I can't wait to wear them.

The summer solstice is almost upon us. Sunday we will have a local solstice festival at the park near my home. I am hoping to attend with my friend and her family. It is sad really, but my favorite part of the summer solstice is that it means fall and winter are on their way. I like summer, I love the growing season, the flowers and fresh fruits and vegetables. But I just can't take the heat...it's been in the mid to high 90's for several weeks and looks to continue on this coming week. It has brought us some lovely thunderstorms, which I love.

Well, enough of my rambles. It's taken me over three hours to get this written and I apologize for the disjointedness of it. Next week I'm going to have a book review for you. If I don't get back here before then, I hope that you have a lovely weekend and a warm, sunny and magical summer solstice.



blessings
~*~

to try again

i keep trying to come here...to type words that i think would be interesting but my mind is full of drugs (oh so many prescriptions that i hate taking) and my thoughts and words flit away before i can capture them here on the screen.

it has been a rough couple of weeks...i am now out of sick or annual leave days and so any time that i am not at work, i now do not get paid for...if the absences keep up my checks will get smaller and i don't know what i'll do.

i'm listening to it storm outside..a good thunder kicker and a few flashes of lightening so far...i'm hoping for more and for lots of rain.

i've lost the cord to download my pictures from my camera... as soon as i find it i have some pictures to share...

here's to a wonderful long weekend...
blessings
~*~

spinning

you know how when you were a kid you used to twirl and twirl until everything was spinning around and even when you stopped the world kept spinning? that's how i've been feeling.. why i haven't been posting...

my head is constantly twirling and i've just not been able to stay still long enough to get my footing. there is so much in my head, so many thoughts and sounds, ideas and wants, so much pain and confusion that they just take words right out of my mouth. it takes away my ability to really communicate

because of the migraines, there have been numerous and varied medicines that have made me sicker than the pain of the migraines, days of nausea, vomiting - it isn't good for a diabetic to be unable to eat for days at a time. there have been lots of doctor visits, lots of blood work and other tests... i'm now required to take my blood pressure twice a day in addition to all i have to do for the diabetes.

i guess it all became too much and my mind has just been unable to form thoughts that could go here, on the blog, thoughts that i felt i could share. sometimes i feel like i am posting for all the wrong reasons and then other times, that i'm not posting the right things.

today is one of those bad migraine days...they come and go and when they are gone, i try to take advantage of the freedom and do things that need to be done, things that are fun because if and when they come back, everything falls behind again.

i've been able to get caught up at work...not completely, but i'm close to getting there, i think a lot of my stress will be reduced if i can get caught up, i'll feel like i'm making a contribution instead of constantly feeling like i'm letting everyone down.

home is basically the same, very behind on everything... i haven't even planted my vegetable garden yet. i hope that will be accomplished in the next few days. i was able to go out on saturday to the annual herbfest at our local farmers market. i picked up a few plants and didn't go overboard like i usually do...



i finally got my dahlia tubers planted and have been able to get some weeding done in various areas of the gardens, but there is still a long way to go.

i'm sure there will be more quietness here, until i'm able to start thinking straight again... there may be days of posts that have no words, just pictures and i hope you'll understand...sometimes i just have no words...

blessings
~*~

winter wishing

winter is not over yet. we're under a winter weather warning for tomorrow and saturday. they say we could get from 5 to 8 inches of snow and possibly more. i'm very happy about this.

i took care of grocers this evening, so tomorrow i only have to get gas for the car and dog food. then i'll be ready to hunker down for the weekend, watching the snow, some movies and maybe do some cleaning and knitting.

i've been feeling compelled to keep my head covered for some reason. i have a kerchief that i put on as soon as i walk in the door and leave it on except while i sleep. it isn't nice enough to be able to wear to work, so the calorimetry listed in the side bar should do the trick for wearing at work. must get knitting...

i also hope to do some baking this weekend. i still haven't broken in my beautiful kitchen aid. i've felt so poorly since the holidays that i haven't used any of my gifts really (except the scrap pail).

well, i'm off to take my meds then snuggle down in the bed to read for a bit. i just have one more day of work and hope that i can feel up to going in the morning. i'm still waiting to hear when the mri and sleep study will be, but hopefully they will call with those appointment times tomorrow.

winter blessings!
~*~

here

persevere

the word has stuck with me, every moment since i found it

every time i start to falter, to give up, to look the other way or take the easy way out, i remember that word and i remember the promise i made to myself

i sit at home now, after a long night (well, early morning) of purging my stomach. i don't know if i caught a bug, or ate something bad, but i could tell after a few hours of sicking up that there was more to come and it wouldn't do to take myself off to work. i mean really, it's bad enough to have to hang over your own toilet, much less a semi-public one. ewww

i feel horrible and so let down that i didn't make it in to work today. i'd made it a game you see, of how long i could go without missing a day. four whole weeks i made it, until today. well... i'll just start my game again tomorrow and this time make it even longer

this past week has been such a roller coaster and i am so not a fan. who knows, maybe it was just the turmoil that finally had to find a way out of my system that caused the sickening.

i'm always so emotionally sensitive about things. missing children cases, murders, they all get to me but this... this catastrophe that is Haiti, just destroyed me. from the first news, i was sucked in, i think i saw more of CNN than i'd seen in all my life. the horror of those people, trapped, starving, losing limbs in order to be rescued from collapsed buildings, only to die later from not having medical attention to stop up the wounds. it just shatters my heart.

not being able to be there personally, i've tried to do what i can in some small way to help... a few small donations, attending a prayer vigil to send healing energy, lots of prayers and candles lit. i intend to send a larger donation (as much as i can) to attempt to help a specific person in Haiti. He's a very dear man that I met when i took that trip to New Orleans a few years ago. It took four days from the time of the earthquake, but we found out that he is okay. It was a small miracle to me, those three words that came in the form of a text. He is okay.

well



we've had a few days of warmth, the kind of days that make you wish for spring. only, i don't. i'm not ready for spring, the flowers, the weeding, the planting. i'm still in the planning stages. wishing for more snow, wishing for cold so that i can hide here in my cozy little cottage, with a good book (or more likely my blog list) and hunker down.

i did sit outside for a few minutes a little while ago. i sat in the sun, watching the beastie sniff around the yard and listening to the birds as they scrounge around hunting up their next meal, absorbing a little warmth.

dearest gods and goddesses of weather, it is only the mid of January, much too early to be walking barefoot out of doors. please send us another bout of cold temperatures and lots of snow would be an especially nice bonus.
your servant always,
the spiritwitch :)

blessings
~*~

keeping warm

It is 46 degrees outside, windy and very wet. Ida blew through our area yesterday bringing very high winds and pounding rain that at some times was falling sideways. The tree in my front yard has taken a beating. Pre-Ida it was still covered in beautiful yellow/gold leaves with just a hint of crimson. Now they are mostly on the ground. I watched yesterday as it seemed like it was raining leaves. I wish I'd taken pictures. :(

Beastie's progress is not so great. It was late Tuesday before they could get him to eat much. He apparently really likes Oven Roasted Turkey, but does not like plain mashed potatoes. :) Yesterday he ate really well, his regular dog food, and they took the catheter out and stopped giving him fluids. Today, he went back down hill. He wasn't eating and apparently was extremely lethargic. The doctor called me a little while ago and gave me the latest update. They had to put the catheter back in to give him fluids, mostly to try to flush the glucose out of his system. I'm hopeful that he will come home on Saturday, but at this point I'm not certain.

I can tell you it is a completely different atmosphere in the house without him. It's so quiet. I don't have to sweep the floor every day to clean up his shed fur. The biggest difference is I have room on the bed and sofa to stretch out. And I hate it. I always fuss at when he takes up most of the sofa or when I wake in the middle of the night to find he's pushed me to the very edge of the bed and he's all stretched out beside me taking up the whole thing. But now, I have it to myself. I can't stay warm. He's my heater and he's not here. I sure hope he comes home soon.

I've been drinking hot apple cider since I arrived home, hoping to warm me up from the inside out. It is delicious, but probably very bad for my blood sugar. :)

So, now to some knitting and then bed later.

blessings
~*~

beastie update

I picked up beastie this morning and transferred him to his regular vet for monitoring. It took two techs to lift him out of the car and help him along to the building. We think the pain is causing him to lose control of his back legs and he is very, very wobbly. He's had a bit of arthritis for a while in those back hips and often has trouble with stairs and getting up and down from the bed/sofa.

He didn't eat until about 3:30 this afternoon and then it was just the teeniest bit. The doc says that isn't surprising given what he's been through but with the diabetes, it is a bit of a worry. The other worry is that his "PVC" (I think that is his platelet count/red blood cell?) was 44 before surgery but late this afternoon was down to 23. She thinks it is because of the liver biopsy they did but because of it being low they didn't want him to be alone at the vet all night. So he can be monitored all night, I had to take him back to the emergency place for him to spend the night. My brother (sweetheart that he is) met me up there and did the lifting so beastie wouldn't be hurt too much.

Tomorrow morning I'll go back to the emergency vet and transport him back to his regular vet for the day. If his "PVC" is good, he will spend a few more days at the vet before coming home. I have no way of keeping him contained (unless I buy a crate) and he must be confined/kept still and calm for at least 8-10 days. I have large steps in and out of the house and I know I can't lift him up and down the steps and don't think he could make them on his own. So, more than likely he'll be staying there for a few days.

I was so disturbed when I saw him this morning. He has a large incision down his belly and many, many staples sealing it shut. He couldn't lay down on his belly and couldn't get comfortable on his side, so he sat up on his butt, sort of almost on his back with his butt tucked under him. I don't think it helped me that his winky was sticking out. :)

Anyway, I didn't sleep all that well last night, weird dreams that I need to figure out the meaning behind. It is so strange not having him curled up beside me. Plus, he keeps me warm!

In other news...I did make it in to work today. Granted I was late due to transport of beastie, but I made certain I got in all 8 hours. It was weird being there, not as miserable as I expected it to be, but not as good as I'd hoped. I didn't have to plug up my ears with music all day. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Wednesday is a holiday, and then there will be only two more days before two off. I have to figure out how to get myself through each day of work. I can't be off anymore.

Well, I'm off to watch the Steelers play the Broncos. My Tarheels already beat FIU in the college basketball opener. I love this time of year. :)

blessings
~*~

sinking again...

i feel myself slipping

back down

under the shadows, under the grey

i'm afraid

of what? i have no idea...

there is so much

pain, anger, fear and uncertainty

today is the first day out since sunday

this causes more anxiety, more worry...

will they forgive me for not being there,

will they let me come back? can i make myself go back?

i feel like i'm on a runaway roller-coaster

one that has no breaks, no stops, it just spins...

round and round... will it ever stop?

i don't know who to talk to, where to go, what to do anymore

one minute, i want to just disappear

the next, cry out for help

by the time i make up my mind to do one or the other

my mind changes...again, so i have to start trying to figure it out

all over again...