21 August 2021

crashing...








 i don't really have a lot of words today...

i've been in the bad place again and thought maybe sharing some photos from last months beach trip would help a bit.

today is my annual hell day, during my annual hell week of my annual hell month...  sigh...

there is so much happening out there and it terrifies me, so i stay in... in my head, in movies, tv shows and books. 

but...things must get done...adventures await and i have work to do to be ready for them...

my cell phone photos turned out so much better than my dsl ones.  i'm seriously debating if i should even bother to take my dsl camera on my next adventure.  we'll see...


ocean or mountains?  which do you prefer?

i have such a hard time choosing.  i know that when i am in the mountains, i breathe so much easier.  the air feels lighter as it fills my lungs and i feel more at ease.

by the sea, i feel enervated with energy. the sound and sight of the waves crashing, not to mention the feel of them on my skin, soothes my system somehow.

when i was at the beach last month i realized that sunlight is a drain to my energy, but i am energized by moonlight.  maybe i should start gardening under the night sky. :-)

anyhoots... 

moonlight or sunshine? ocean or mountains?  which sings to your soul and fills you with joy?  i'd love to know...


thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

10 August 2021

learning to listen...

- wow these past two weeks flew by...

- i came home from a wonderful trip by the sea, but there were complications and a little heartache and it knocked me for a loop

- migraines are bitches and can kiss my ass

- i have a big adventure coming up in a few weeks and i'm finally starting to get myself together so i can be ready

- i've just spent the last 3 hours catching up on my blog feed posts.  i got to the top, hit refresh to see if anything had shown up while i was scrolling and ended up with another long list to sort through. i should have refreshed before i started...

- i'll admit, i'm pretty worried about this upcoming adventure.  mostly because of the current plague situation.  

- i'm learning to listen to my dreams.  night before last i had one that was very vivid and memorable, which used to be the case for all my dreams.  i'm paying attention now and trusting my intuition...

- i'm thinking about joining in with this...

- it is hard, thinking that i've made progress with myself, that i've grown and matured and then to have it all come tumbling down and feel like i'm back to where i was... 

- is it her or is it me?  

- time to get to those things that must be ordered for the adventure.  but, of course, now i have screen fatigue and don't want to spend more time on the computer... oh well... maybe a little now and a little later...

as always, thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes..

~*~

 

ps...i'm so behind on the tea parties.  i hope to work on visiting everyone today and tomorrow.  thank you for all the visits and kind words...

 
 

 

24 July 2021

let's have some tea...

Hello and welcome to my mad tea party.  As you can see, the white rabbit and cheshire cat are here.  The Hatter is somewhere around...he doesn't stray far from his hat.

 

 

We can read Alice's story again while we have a spot of tea.  Oops...looks like I forgot to fill the kettle.  Make yourself at home, I'll be back.


Now, that's better.  Lots of tea and treats to eat while we visit.  Just be careful of the yellow cakes.  I think they might cause a little... well...


 
I told you to watch out for the yellow ones.  Have a little sip from the bottle and things will turn right side up.




There now... Let's have a nibble and a chat shall we?  I just love having a tea party.  It is so much fun to visit, isn't it? 


Oh my, look at the time.  Well, this has been lovely to catch up over tea and treats. Please stay as long as you like, enjoy the treats and come back anytime.  See you next time!

~*~

 

ps...Thank you to our wonderful party hostess, Vanessa.  Her parties are always so beautiful.  It is so much fun to play along!

 

 

22 July 2021

three things thursday...





 

 i - vitamin sea

ii - vitamin sea

iii - vitamin sea

 

hope you are having a great week...

thanks for reading.

~*~

16 July 2021

half dead, half hollow...



this hasn't been a good week for me. the migraorbs have been running rampant through my brain.

i've spent the week in bed with just a very few outings...

the only art i've done this week is the two sketches above.

the second sketch i drew waiting in my doc's office for an appointment. i'm calling it half dead half hollow.  it's pretty much how i've been feeling.

but...there is a little bit of hope coming through. i've been able to get several errands run today.  and it looks like there may be a trip coming up soon, so something to look forward to...

speaking of something to look forward to


 

the lovely Vanessa is hosting a mad tea party this year.  i'm planning to join in so i hope to see you there (and here) next weekend.


well...time to go put out the mail for pickup tomorrow and clean off my bed so i can try to sleep.

thanks for reading...

~*~

 

10 July 2021

saturday in the garden...






i took a little tour of the garden this morning and this is what i found...

finally a roma tomato that wasn't suffering from blossom end rot, plus a few more cherry tomatoes.  i'm completely in love with the little cherries. so delicious and perfect for my evening salads...

i don't see many bees in the garden so the busy one above was a thrill...

i can't remember all the seeds i spread in the flower garden so the two different varieties of cosmos make me happy and the love in a mist is so beautiful!  i'd completely forgotten about those and was so surprised when i found it...

the flower patch picture, the fence is 8ft tall.  i'm so excited by how tall those sunflowers are getting.  

i have a LOT of weeding to do in the flower patch and a little in the veg patch.  i need to pick some herbs for drying and make some pickles from the cucumbers (a couple of mine and a big bag our handyman brought over).  

it's been a hard week and yesterday was pretty much a lying in bed watching wimbledon and art videos.  i never changed out of my pajamas.

today is feeling a little better. i've done some work for a class i'm taking and also did a painting this morning.

maybe tomorrow i can get in the garden for a little work...

how are things growing in your gardens?

thanks for reading...

with love,

~*~

 

05 July 2021

maybe one day i will...


 it's a monday, but feels like tuesday.


family is difficult.  or maybe i am. i don't know, anymore. 


i'm finding i have no time for bs.  not for anyone else's and not for my own.

family plans (that i wasn't excited about to begin with, but agreed to to keep peace) were canceled on both saturday and the rescheduled sunday with little to no notice.

i received a call last night from a family member that filled me with so much rage it is a miracle my house is still standing.  i don't want to go into details, but it basically boils down to a family member taking advantage of the rest of us and most of the rest of us enabling that family member.  

back in september, i reached a point where i could no longer handle conversing with my father.  i have a LOT of trauma associated with him and his treatment of me as a child.  he didn't physically abuse me in any way, but his mental and emotional treatment of me, plus his response to others treatment of me, was not a healthy way to grow up.  we've been on the fringes of each others lives for years due to my feeling like i needed to be there because, well, he's my dad. isn't that what you do for parents?  i thought so.  so after years of being told i was too fat, i didn't eat right, i don't work hard enough, i don't keep a clean enough house, i shouldn't spend my money that way, that i don't know anything about politics and i am going to hell because i'm not christian.  years of being told, when i become passionate about a subject and express that to him, that i'm being childish and need to "grow up".  i was d o n e.  i haven't spoken to him since september.  he sent me a check for xmas with a post it note and i mailed it back.  as far as i'm concerned, he doesn't exist.

all that was to say, that i told the family member who called me that the one they were complaining about is thisclose to getting the dad treatment from me.  i also said that if they and the others keep enabling them i'll cut them off too.

i'm not over-reacting.  i'm not being selfish.  i'm not being dramatic. i'm not being mean.

i'm trying to save myself.

every time i get a call about this (cause this is only one of probably hundreds of calls like this) i get sick to my stomach.  i get a horrible migraine.  i can't make myself step outside.  i close all the blinds and hide for days.  days that sometimes turn into weeks.

i realized that this morning as i was writing my daily morning pages.  my pages were full of this issue and the more i wrote the more depressed i became.  i wasn't thinking about what i was writing.  i just write and let whatever comes up, come out.  by the time i got to the end of my three pages, the tone had changed from one of frustration and anger to one of despair.  

normally, i end my pages with some affirmations and an expression of gratitude that i am alive. (it took me a long, long time to be glad that i'm alive).

these are the last few sentences from this mornings pages...

"i don't know how my being angry at ... about their behavior has led me to feeling like i shouldn't be alive anymore.  i don't know why i feel like i'd be better off dead.  that everyone would be better off if i'm dead. like no one would miss me.  like i was never here."

the thing is, this is not true.  i know this is not true and i don't want to be dead.  i'm not suicidal.  

the people that i'm this upset about are the people i have in my life to talk things out.  but i can't talk to them about it.  i have one other person i could go to, but they are on a hiatus right now of their choosing while they "figure out my (their own) shit".  

luckily, i have therapy tomorrow. 

i'll have a lot to talk about and that 50 minutes will be gone in a blink.

so, i'm writing this here.  i just needed to tell someone.  and you all are my someones.  

today is one of those days where i want to just walk away.  i want to walk away from my life and start it over somewhere else.  somewhere far away from the alcoholics and the narcissists and the enablers that make up my family. 

maybe one day i will.

but not today.

if you made it this far, i appreciate you.

i'm not feeling very full of love or kisses or any magical wishes today, so i'll just say...

thanks for reading...

~*~