DNA...

When I was a little girl, my family was the most important thing in my life.  I knew who they were and by extension, who I was. (By family, I mean my parents, siblings, grandparents and cousins.  We were all very close and they were my family.)

As I grew older, I began to wonder if maybe all wasn't as it seemed.  At one point I started to wonder if maybe I was adopted.  Of course, that could have just been wishful thinking.  :-)

When I hit my early twenties (early 1990's), I started to really wonder where I came from.  I started asking questions of my older relatives, especially the two grandparents I had left (one from each side).  I heard so many weird stories.  Rumors of chicken/horse thieves from one line, Native American ancestry on another line.  Some said we were from Scotland and some from Ireland, some from France and some from Wales. But there was no real information...just rumors.

During that time, I was bitten by the genealogy bug and began to seriously research my ancestry.  I bought and borrowed books on how to do so, joined Rootsweb (a free online genealogy community), and started haunting cemeteries and courthouse record rooms.  I wrote for documents in places I couldn't visit, sent letters and questionnaires to family members (both close and distant) and wrote down everything I could find in weird disjointed ways.

Over the years I built up a lot of information. I searched online, exchanged emails with like-minded people across the country and even printed a couple years worth of newsletters for two of my main family lines.  I even considered applying to a specialized college to be come a professional genealogist.  It was very consuming.

In 2004, a medical crisis knocked me out of my loop and I gave up.  I just didn't see the point when there was no one to whom to pass the information.  For many years my collection sat in plastic tubs, hidden in attics or closets.  I didn't really want to look anymore.

I don't know what caused me to start back.  I think the burgeoning of Ancestry.com and the "ease" of it.  I say ease, because a lot of ancestry information is from member trees and you have to be careful to take anything from someone's tree with a grain (sometimes a bag) of salt.  

Then Ancestry came out with their DNA tests.  I thought about it, when it first came out, but I was in an everything's a conspiracy frame of mind and it didn't seem safe.  I've continued to play around at researching off and on over the past 10 years.  I've found some interesting things and some frustrating things.  But I continued to be comfortable in my family knowledge.

Two months ago, I did something I never thought I would.  I submitted a DNA kit to Ancestry.  I'd had no luck finding those elusive Native American ancestors that we supposedly had and was running into brick wall, after brick wall on other lines.  So, I went for it.  

Turns out, I'm definitely not a Native American descendant.  In fact, I'm basically British/European, with a tiny portion Finnish/Russian, Iberian and from Asia central.  What?!?!

Once I started looking at people I matched to and seeing where we connected, I noticed that there was a line missing.  I contacted a cousin from this particular line that I knew had been doing research and asked if he'd submitted the test.  He had, but we didn't match.  What the *!&%@???

We talked more and he has lots of matches to other ancestors down this particular line, but I don't.  I have one match to a great-grandfather on this line but it also lists his wife (my great-grandmother) as a common ancestor.  I have lots of connections through her line, going way back.  But none on him.  Hmmmm...

Because of the common ancestor connections to her, I know for sure that my dad is my dad, and my grandfather is my grandfather.   So either my grandfather was not of his father's bloodline, or my great-grandfather wasn't of his father's bloodline.  Oh boy.  

I have no idea how to figure this out.  It isn't like I can call them up and ask.  They've all passed on years ago.  

I'll be honest.  I don't know why this matters so much to me.  No one else in our family cares or is even interested.  I've no one to pass the information down to, so why does it matter?  

I don't know.  It just does.  It always has.

Maybe I just really love a good mystery....

Anyhoo...

This is what I've been up to the last few weeks.  Lots of time spent sifting through "matches" on Ancestry and trying to figure things out.  

I have determined that it might be a glitch in their system/testing as my cousin and I have a mutual cousin who we both match to and it's the same family line.  So...

Hmmm, I didn't mean for that to be such a long post. 

So, tell me...have you researched your family history?  Does knowing where/who you come from matter to you?

I'd love to hear your research stories or why it does/doesn't matter to you.

Thanks for stopping in for a read...
love & blessings
~*~ 

Part 3

Bullets, Bombshells and The Best Laid Plans...

I'm back today with part 3 of my round up of the events of this year, so far.  You can find part 1 at Bullets and Part 2 at Bombshells. 

The Best Laid Plans

If you've been reading here for a while, you'll know that I go through periods of hibernation.  Living with chronic pain every minute makes living a full life very difficult for me.  Last year, I spent most of the year in extreme hibernation and finally started to come out of it around the middle to end of summer.  

Emerging meant finding things to help me cope with the pain and finding things that I can enjoy and make me feel like I'm actually living as opposed to existing.  Activities such as drawing, painting, writing, blogging, taking pictures, baking, etc.

Sometime last August or September, I found myself with an overwhelming desire to be outside.  So I started taking walks.  When I started, I couldn't even walk a half mile.  But I kept at it, and each time I walked, I was able to go a little bit further.  Eventually, I'd built up to 3.5 miles. 

When the new year came around I was doing great.  Exercising, drawing/painting every day, knitting a lot, and in general just having a rather enjoyable time.  I became determined to keep that going and not let myself get sucked back into the deep dark pit.  I joined the local Y and signed up with a personal trainer.  I exercised at least six days a week and joined a couple of art challenges online.   I felt so good.  I was very proud of myself for my exercising (and all the weight I'd lost and stamina that I'd built up).  I was getting much better with my drawings and my art in general was much improved. 

And well...the best laid plans...

Yep, you guessed it.  With the events of part 1 and part 2, everything fell apart.  I couldn't hold a pen/pencil/paintbrush steady with all the trembling (emotional and prescription change induced), I couldn't find time to hit the gym between hospital trips and bedside tending.  Then the new prescriptions kicked in and I could barely get out of bed.  It all became a giant cluster f*%#.  So...

Here I sit, beginning AGAIN.  Sometimes I feel like all I do is try again, over and over.

I went for a walk this morning as soon as I woke up.  The sun wasn't quite above the tree line and I felt it might be safe.  I walked .86 miles and it took me almost 18 minutes.  Before I quit exercising back in March, I'd worked up to almost a 15 minute mile.  :-(

Oh well...

Now I'm moving forward.  There are lots of things to look forward to, including figuring out my new computer (which I'm currently typing on and having a bloody difficult time doing), tea parties, summer flowers and gardens, fresh fruits and veggies and more.

On to the fun!  It is once again time for the wonderful summer extravaganza that is the Mad Hatter Tea Party.  Vanessa announced the date last week and here is my formal announcement that I'll be joining in the fun.

If you'd like to join in, click the link here.  It will take you to the post on Vanessa's blog announcing the party. 

Come join us for the party, it will be loads of fun!

Thanks for stopping by!

love & blessings

~*~

Part 2

Bullets, Bombshells and the Best Laid Plans...

My last post was a round up of part 1, Bullets.  Today, I'll give another brief round up of part 2.

Bombshells

Way back in December, at my quarterly check-in with my Endo, he seemed concerned that my throat felt swollen.  He sent me off for an ultrasound of my thyroid.  I had also noticed that my throat felt larger and harder (weird to explain) and my usual difficulty swallowing was getting worse.  As I constantly feel like a hypochondriac with all my health issues, I didn't say anything to him about it. 

The ultrasound procedure was quick and she said they'd have the results to the doctor in a few days.  So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Two weeks later and I get a call that there are some growths on my thyroid and they want to do a biopsy.  Of course, the use of the "b" word completely freaked me out.  But I stayed calm and said, okay.  I expected when the call came to schedule the procedure it would be set for maybe a week or soon as this isn't something you wait around on.  Well...you know what happens when one assumes.

So, first week in January they call to schedule the biopsy.  For the END of February.  That's right.  Make a person who is already freaked out about needing a freaking biopsy to wait almost two months before doing the actual test.  But...I held it together and then was distracted by Bullets. 

(Now a little aside here, I'd not told anyone, including my family, what was going on up until just before the procedure.  I'd also been very specific to ask those that I did tell to not share the information with anyone at all. I had my reasons, part of which have to do with that hyprochondriacness and other things.)

Come to the end of February, off to the doctors I go.   I was able to see my thyroid as he did the biopsy.  Seeing the growths he was talking about I made the comment that they didn't look small to me.  To which I got silence.  Complete crickets.  So, even more freaked out I stayed quiet so we could proceed.  The procedure was nerve wracking but I'd been through biopsies before so I did okay.  Although, having to hold my throat so very still was extremely difficult for some reason.

Afterwards, the doctor said he should have the results in about week.  A week goes by, my mum calls asking if I've heard.  Nope, I say.  She says to call the doctor.  Another week goes by, another call from my mum (of course by that point I was getting a call from her just to ask about this every other day).  Not only is she asking about it, but she's telling me about her friends asking her about it.  Huh?  Yeah, so much for my request for privacy.

I continue to be patient and wait.  

I am not known for my patience.  In fact, I'm know for being completely impatient especially when it comes to medical things.  I've been down this strange growths, biopsy road a number of times and it NEVER gets easier.  So, by the time I received a call from my doctor at the END of MARCH, I was completely undone.  Turns out he thought he'd already talked to me.  I'd sent him emails about it a few times asking for the results and he never replied to those.  Bottom line, the one growth he biopsied was not malignant.  However, he doesn't know what it is.  The lab couldn't identify it.  O....Kay.  

Somehow, I wasn't suprised.  I have strange, unknown growths inside me that the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Yeah, been there, done that.  At least this time they didn't just cut it out of me. 

So, basically the bombshell is that I have these unidentified growths on my thyroid and I get to just wait and see what they become.  The doctor said we'll do another ultrasound and possibly another biopsy in a year.   

Every once in a while, when my throat feels especially swollen or I'm having a hard time swallowing, I get an image in my head of the growths on my thyroid.  They look like the eggs from the Aliens movies and I keep waiting for one of those f&*kers to explode out of it.

Thus concludes my sort of brief round up of part 2 of why I've been silent since the beginning of the year.  Next up...The Best Laid Plans.

love & blessings
~*~


ps...thanks for sticking with me.  I promise to get to more fun stuff soon.  :-)


 

Bullets, Bombshells and the Best Laid Plans... part 1

I've been trying to write this post for the past four months.  Between a combination of things listed in the title of this post, fighting with my demons and my old computer deciding it is ready for that long sleep, it just hasn't happened until now.

I've added that part 1 to the title as it may take a deal of writing to sum up what's been going on.  I shall try to explain as best I can without putting you to sleep with boredom.  Let's start at the beginning shall we...

Bullets...

It's 2nd February and my world crashes with these four words, "Your brother's been shot."  What followed that night was a mad dash for clothes and shoes, a speedy drive to pick up my mum and then a crazy speedy dash downtown to the hospital where he had been taken.  

We met up with my SIL and her mum and spent hours and hours sitting in the waiting area to find out if he would live.  Turned out the universe wasn't ready to let him go.  He came through surgery minus several feet of small intestine, as well as his apendix.  The surgeon said that he was extremely lucky.  The bullet barely missed his liver and kidneys.  We were told he would be kept sedated and on a ventilator for a few days until they were sure how his body was healing.  They let us in to see him once he was settled in the lockdown ICU.  (Due to the violent nature of his assault the unit he was in was put on lock-down, requiring anyone entering to have a password to get in and if anyone called looking for him they would say there was no patient there with that name.)

The next morning, I walked into the ICU to check on him and reassure myself that he was still breathing (even if on a ventilator), to have him turn his head and look at me with those beautiful blue eyes.  He was already off the ventilator and recovering well, if extremely uncomfortably.

He was in hospital for nine days.  I spent a lot of that time going back and forth between the hospital, keeping him company and keeping an eye on my mum.  Once he was home, I spent several days going over and sitting with him.  I was mostly there to fetch and carry if he needed something he wasn't supposed to lift but also to help with the dogs (they had three) and keep him company. 

He is still healing and the incision on his belly is finally closed up completely.  (The doctors couldn't close it in case they needed to get back in quickly, I think.)  He still has a lot of issues and is still healing on the inside, but he is alive and he is a changed man. 

I think he sometimes still has nightmares about it.  Hell, I still have nightmares about it.  But he gets a little better every day and that is all I can ask for.

As far as why he was shot, the only explanation is that the guy who shot him is a nut job.  He'd had no prior contact with my brother, they didn't know each other at all.  He followed my brother out of a restaurant and physically assaulted him from behind.  When my brother fought back, the guy went to his car and my brother thought that he was leaving.  When he turned back he saw the guy had a gun and was coming toward him so he took off running.  The guy caught up to him as my brother was trying to find a car to hide behind or in and the guy shot him then took off.  He was arrested (and released that night - don't get me started on our judicial system!) and his case is pending.  This creep is a habitual felon.  He's been in and out of jail since early 2000, I think and is currently charged not just with my brothers assault, but a hit and run, a driving without a license, failure to stop, failure to maintain lane control, possession of a firearm by a felon and some other things I can't remember right now.  Some of those charges occurred AFTER he shot my brother.

When all of this happened back in February, it hit me really hard.  I held it together in front of my family, because they needed me to be strong.  But at home, I was a basket case.  Whenever I tried to sketch, I would find my hands so shaky that I could barely hold the pencil.  Same for knitting and any art work.  Reading couldn't hold my interest and TV was too violent.  Everything just fell apart.  I fell apart and couldn't figure out how to put myself back together.  So, down my little dark hole I plunged, where I pretty much shut everything out.

I've been working my way out of it for a while now, but it hasn't been without a price.

This is it for part 1.  Next time we'll talk bombshells....

love & blessings
~*~




 





 

the merry-go-round

It has been one of those days.  One that makes me want to pull the covers over my head and let it pass until the next day.  My sleep is plagued with vivid, odd dreams.  Ones I feel are important and yet by the time I can pick up the pencil and pad that I keep on my nightstand, they have floated away.  By the time I arise, it is late in the morning and the heat of the day has already kicked in.  I struggle to get my poor little patio garden watered and am so relieved when it is done, that I lie back down in my bed.  

The blinds stay drawn, the lights off and the tv (if I turn it on at all) on mute.  I don't want to hear anything, see anything, talk to anyone.  I just want everything to come to a halt.  I want to start over.  This is what I call a bad head day.  When the pain from the migraine is just too much to move past.

But, today I got up, watered the plants, watched a bit of tennis (on a very low volume), worked on my crazy crochet blanket and even managed to work in my studio for a bit.  It is needing rearranging as I can't easily access some of my materials, so I worked on that a little.  I've scrolled through blogs and had leftovers for lunch.  

I've made it through another ride on the merry go round.  Now I'll head to bed shortly and hope that tomorrow is a decent head day.  There is no good head day for me.  Not once in the last 8 years.

I hope you have had a relaxing day.

thanks for stopping by, 
love & blessings
~*~ 

returning

Hi there.  Yes, it's me.  I have no idea why I haven't been here, or much of anywhere really.  The photos above are some of the best of the few I've taken since December. 

I'm slowly trying to make my way back into the world.  Another hermit phase seems to be coming to a close, hopefully.  I hope you have all been well.  What's going on in your world?  Any big gardens growing out there?

blessings
~*~ 

Let's Move!

The first of the rose blossoms.

I have learned my lesson.  I really have.  What you put out to the Universe is what you get.  I really, truly believe that.  Well, I always have believed that, but I've never been very good at practicing it.  :-)

But...about two weeks ago, I really and truly made up my mind that I had to move.  The house has been on the market since October but with very little activity and also with me having a mindset of "I don't want to move".  So, a couple weeks ago, that mindset changed.  I can't remember what I was doing that really keyed it in for me but I realized that I was stuck and until I completely made up my mind to move and to let go of this place and the dream of it, I'd not make any progress.  

So, I contacted my realtor and told her I wanted to start actively looking at places to buy.  I've been making lists of what is most important in a place I want to live.  I've been scouring through online listings looking at pictures, checking maps and Google Earth to get an idea of the areas.  I started with over 60 properties that interested me.  I went through them all again and again, trying to find the right ones.  

A week ago this past Thursday started three days of showings on the house.  When I came back after the Thursday showing I had a very good feeling.  I can't say why I had that feeling, I just did.  Friday's was a good feeling too and Saturday I could tell as soon as I walked in that they didn't like it.

My realtor and I went out this past Tuesday and looked at 6 properties.  I have two left from that list that are still possibles.  Today we are going again.

This past Thursday, I got up, took my walk and was enjoying the cool and quiet on the back deck with a book when I received a text from my realtor to check my email.  I rushed in and looked and oh my!  I had an offer!

We talked about it a bit and made a counter offer and all day long I stewed and sat on pins and needles.  I'd felt really good about it (it was the same person from the previous Thursday) and finally...

I'm on deadline now.  Yesterday morning, I signed the contract on my house.  She accepted my counter offer and we are set to close on June 24th!

Oh my!  I am very overwhelmed but in a good way.  I have 38 days to pack everything I own, find a place to live, get the financing sorted, etc., etc.

So...just as I plan to come back here things get a bit crazy and I may not be here as much as I want.  But!  That will only be for a little while.  Because now I'm on a new adventure and I know I'll have lots to share.  

I'm off to see where we're going to look today.  And to start on my lists...I'll have lots of lists of things to do, plants I want to take from the yard, etc., etc...

happy weekend!!
blessings
~*~ 

getting back up

I hadn't meant to be away for so long.  Things happened and got in the way and I couldn't find my way back here until now.  You see, I fell.  Not down Alice's rabbit hole, although it feels quite a bit like that.  I literally fell.  In the middle of Barnes & Noble.  During a book reading/signing.  And I didn't just fall.  I passed out.  Sigh...

I'll try to give you the short version. 
I went last week to see Sarah Addison Allen (one of my very favorite writers) for a reading of her new book and a signing.  I thoroughly enjoyed her talk and reading and just as it was ending, had what felt like a hot flash.  I moved out of the way of others to cool down and then a few minutes later I got that numb face/tunnel vision thing.  Next I know, I'm waking up face down on the floor.  Only I felt like I was sitting up.  I was very disoriented and confused.  I checked my blood sugar and it was fine.  I couldn't seem to talk and explain things or answer questions.  I couldn't remember how old I was.  I couldn't think.  I couldn't grip things and I couldn't breathe.

Finally calmed down, EMTs took me to hospital where I was poked and prodded.  Several EKG's showed no issue with my heart.  Blood work and CT scan were normal.  Blood pressure was quite low and I did have a small infection so they gave me an RX for antibiotic and sent me home after about 4 hours with advice not to drive for a few days.

It was and honestly still is very scary to me.  You see, eight days later, I'm still confused, discombobulated.  I still feel dizzy often and can't find words.  I have a call in to my Neurologist, per my therapist, because earlier in the day that the whole ordeal happened, I'd been having the worst headache I've had.  That is a lot of pain.  Oy!

So I've spent the last week, just resting.  Reading a little, a bit of cooking (cause if I don't cook, I don't eat), practicing crochet, and just being. 

Then there was this...

We finally had a measurable snow fall.  It was so beautiful and really cold so it hung around for several days.  That worked out great as I wasn't allowed to drive anyway and didn't even have my car.

Once I was able to drive and went to get my car I also stopped to pick up my book.  The manager at B&N had held it for me so I wouldn't lose it.  He even had it signed for me.

I am so sad that I didn't get to meet her.  Hopefully I'll have another chance.  I have a couple of library books to finish, then I'm taking a trip to Lost Lake.  :-)

I have tons of missed blog posts to read and need to get tax stuff ready.  That should keep me occupied for a few days.  I hope it won't take weeks to get back here again.

What have you been up to?

blessings
~*~

not letting it get to me

In my last post I said I would tell the story of how I almost had a stroke while at the pharmacy.  After several days of cumulative events that are conspiring to bring me down, I really don't want to go into the long drawn out story.  What I will do is share with you the short version of that and all the rest of current events that are trying their best to take me down.

The first was the pharmacy trip.  Over the course of several months and lots of phone calls I've been going through the process of changing my health insurance.  (I bet you can already guess where this is going, can't you?)  On Wednesday when I went to pick up prescriptions they asked for my new health insurance card but when processed it said I had no insurance.  I spent 45 minutes standing off to the side in the pharmacy on the phone with the insurance company and it will be fixed.  But I still needed my prescriptions, all $650.00 of them.  

Later that same day, my handy dandy repairman was fixing what he thinks is causing the crawlspace under the house to flood when we have lots of rain.  What initially was to be about $100 turned into over $300.

These two events were bad, but I was okay with them because I actually had the money available and while it leaves me with no savings, at least it is taken care of (plus I will get the RX money reimbursed).

And yet today, when I went to shower I discovered just a trickle of water coming from the hot tap and lots of squealing (as if the line was full of air).  I thought to myself, okay, hot water heater probably needs replacing.  Back came my handy dandy repairman who discovered that while my water heater is old, it is not in any way faulty.  No, the fault is the galvanized pipes under the house.  The pipes that were installed originally back in the 40's.  I can't even bring myself to tell you how much this is going to cost.

I'm trying to decide if this is the Universes way of saying, no you can't get ahead or if it is telling me I shouldn't move and should stay right here.  I'd finally come to the decision that once the house is under contract I will look out of state for a place to rent. A small house with some land maybe or at least a little bit of a lot to plant on.  

When I consult the Spirits they tell me that my headaches will not be relieved until I am out of the city.  And while I have more energy and feel oh so much better with my new healthy eating habits, getting these headaches to stop is my number one priority.  So what is a girl to do?  Stay in this old little cottage (that I really do love) and tend to it the best I can or sell my cottage, move to an entirely new place and start life again?

I don't have the answer right now.  I am just going to let the Universe guide me.  I plan to do some Work to state clearly to the Universe what I WANT and then I will let it go and just go on as I can.

Instead of letting all this drive me into a deep dark hole (where I would have gone in the past) or to the candy/soda shop, I've been putting myself to work.  

I used the few days prior to the full moon to finish more SpiritWreaths and charged them on the full moon.  They are currently tagged and sitting at a local shop on consignment.  I've already made plans for more so that I can set up shop online.  In addition, I left a stack of business cards at the shop.

I began work on an art piece that has been in my head for a while.  

I've added another page to my art journal.  I'm practicing my drawing more.

I've watched a movie and have another to watch.

I've started learning to crochet.

I am doing.  To me, that is what is most important. By doing all these things, I'm taking that very important step onto the path, instead of hiding in the woods and watching as life passes me by.  I have to say, I'm quite proud of myself.  

Have you taken any important steps lately?

blessings
~*~

the deep deep dark

I've felt like the picture.  Dark, unfocused, cloudy.  Everything is so confusing, clouded by constant pain.  More tests, more doctors, more drugs.  Nothing seems to make a difference.  I lie in bed late at night, trying to fall asleep but that is when my brain runs on overtime.  The blinds stay closed during the day, the lights off at night.  I am so very tired.

My house is a mess, dirty dishes in the sink, dust and spiderwebs everywhere.  The garden is ...well, the garden is depressing.  I look out my back door and can only see dying pumpkin leaves, hidden behind unplanned saplings that keep growing taller with all the rain that has fallen.

Now you know why I haven't been around.  I'm in such a dark mood, so sad and confused.  I feel like my life really isn't my own and yet I don't know whose it is.  It has been suggested that I need to sell the cottage and move to a townhouse.  Someplace where I won't have to worry about yard maintenance, exterior upkeep.  I've been fighting that idea for a while now.  But lately, I think it makes sense.   As much as I don't want to give up my little cottage and my garden, my space.  I have to face that I don't have the ability to take care of it and keep it up as it needs.

After weeks of fighting myself back and forth, back and forth, I decided that I should do it.  I should move.  I've spoken with a realtor about selling the cottage and have even looked at a townhouse.  It is small, but in a good location and has a nice fenced in back area with just enough planting space that I could have flowers and maybe a tomato and pepper plant if I wanted.  Definitely no room for pumpkins, squash or anything that needs room to roam.  I'm waiting to hear from my realtor about what she thinks I could expect to get for my cottage.  I was beginning to feel comfortable about my decision.  Happy that I'd at least made a decision.

Then last night, lying in the dark - resting after yet another medical procedure - I realized that I don't want to move.  I feel like if I do, I'm giving in to my invisible illness.  I feel like I'm giving up.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to decide what is best for me.  I don't think moving will make me happy.  But I don't know that staying will make me happy either. 

Just before dark tonight, I heard the wind chimes clanking and stepped out to get the mail.  A storm was brewing and it felt so good.  I took the time to step out to the back garden, a place I haven't been in almost a week, maybe two.  I found several roma tomatoes to pick and an eggplant that looks good.  It looks like all the pumpkin plants are failing.  Their dried withered leaves reflecting my inner turmoil.  I found one small pumpkin, but found that it has been invaded by some sort of borer. 

I don't know.  I'm sure this post is boring and I had promised myself I wouldn't post things like this anymore.  But this is all I know right now.  It is all I think about.  I have no idea what will happen, if I'll sell or if I'll stay.  I just know that this indecision is killing me.  You all, out there in bloglandia, are my only real contact with people (other than doctors, nurses and pharmacists).  I don't seem to have anyone I can confide in lately.  My mum is biased even though she says she only wants the best for me, I know she wants me to move.  I've not been able to talk to my friend about it, she is busy with her family and her own life and health issues. 

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days and it was much more elegant and worth reading before I sat down and started typing.  But that seems to be par for the course too. 

I don't know when I'll be back here, maybe soon, maybe a while.  As with all things in my life, I just don't know...

blessings
~*~

the universe has a plan...

One day life seems difficult but do able, the next...not so much. 

I'm coming off a lot of antibiotics and steroid burst prescriptions for various reasons and yesterday seemed to be the culmination of the nightmare reactions.  Yesterday, my body refused to work, I mean really, it was like it sagged in on itself on the sofa and said, nope, nothing doin'.  I was in bed before dark, asleep.

If you've been reading here for any length of time you know that I have a chronic disabling illness.  I also have other health concerns that are affected/effected (I can never get that right) by the main chronic problem.  In addition to all the regular health related mess I have to try to keep up with I received a lovely jolt to my foot from a very nasty pair of pruning shears.  And by 'nasty', I'm not implying they were mean.    (On THE day I was throwing a party - with real actual human guests expected, something I haven't done in 19 years!)  Long story short on the foot, didn't tend it properly right away, was on it until well into the early am hours and ended up in Urgent Care next morning with a rather large foot and infection. 

Foot is better now, still bruised and ugly but no infection, no swelling, good to go.  Yay, Foot! 

One day last week (while still on extra meds) I did a count to see just how many medications (actual pills and or shots) I have to take in a day.  There was 1 shot and 25 pills.  I am 44 years old.  How ridiculous is that?  It might be one thing, if they helped me at all, but at least 90% of them do nothing to help with the intended illness and cause side effects that just exacerbate the illnesses.  But...I will continue to do what my doctors tell me, as best I can. 

I want to get better.  I want to feel better.  I don't want to have any more days like yesterday.  There have been way too many of them in the past and I want to have a good life.  I want to have a life.

Time for a bright spot to bring things around.  Isn't that hydrangea beautiful?  My paternal grandmother always had huge gorgeous hydrangeas in her garden and I've always loved them.  My step mother gave me this one a few years ago.  It is so loaded with blooms right now and just the perfect shade of blue.

Let's see, where shall we go?  Oh yes, last post I mentioned my next couple weeks had turned all topsy turvey and this brings me to the universe.  I should be planning and plotting and gathering to spend next week in the mountains attending an art workshop with one of my all time favorite artists.  Seriously, this woman is a Goddess and I adore her.

After a lovely week learning and creating and breathing in that wonderful mountain air I was to arrive home just in time for a Tea Party.  (I do so hope you can attend!)

And then turn around in one day for a lovely 3-5 day stay at hospital an hour from home (who shall remain nameless for I cannot stand to speak it's very name for several very silly reasons, really).  During this lovely stay I shall be the recipient of countless wonder drugs (IV drips) of magical elixirs that will hopefully break the cycle of chronic pain that I've endured every moment of every day for over seven long, long years.  Oh, and I get to have a hole punched into my spine (because the first time just wasn't fun enough!)  And while I was to be in hospital my family (both mum and dad) were to be out of town.

So, last week I think it was, just as I am sitting down to order my supplies for that art workshop (list and credit card in hand) In steps The Universe to let me know there has been a change in plans.  Workshop canceled (astounding to me I was the only person to sign up) and hospital stay moved up a week. 

It is still crazy, I have no idea what time I go in, how long I'll really be there, etc, etc., etc.  I like details.  If I have something to do I want to know each detail like what to bring, what to leave home, is there wi-fi so I can do something fun like surf the net and keep up with my blog friends, something other than lie there and let this magical elixir drip into my veins for hours and days at a time.  Because if all I can do is lie there and let my brain ramble?  I'll be going from hospital to mental institution and who would tend my pumpkins then?

I think it's time to wrap this up.  I'm still really tired.  But I've been awake since 2am.  Errands need to be run today, phone calls made, info acquired, you know the drill.  But I really just keep thinking that The Universe is giving me a break on this.  It's okay if I vegetate on the couch one day.  It's okay if my body says, No, not today.  Everything will get done eventually and if it doesn't, it didn't really need to be done, right? 

One week of crazy as opposed to two or more.  Thank you Universe.  If I'd had those two weeks work out, it could have been August before I was able to move again. 

So, I'm going to try to get back with at least one more post (hopefully something of a much more fun and cheerful nature) before Monday.  But just in case, would you say a little prayer for me next week - to whoever/whomever works for you.  This whole thing is really a big experiment and I don't like being the guinea pig.  I would really appreciate the kindness.


Oh, and pray that my dad waters the pumpkins not the weeds (and that he leaves the Round-Up at home) - or that it just rains all week.  :-)

blessings
~*~

ps...i realized during a dish washing session yesterday that I left off a most valuable asset in the garden blog world on the last post.  If you have not visited these lovely people and you are interested in organic gardening/homesteading, etc.  It is a must read.  I've learned so much from them and really enjoy their blog.

Crazy days..

Is it just me, or is everyone else experiencing craziness all around? Somehow I don't think it is just Mercury Retrograde that has everything spinning out of control, but maybe it is.

There is all kinds of fun stuff going on with new classes and spending more time with friends. And now my Grandmother is back in the hospital. They can't seem to find what is wrong with her and may not know until tomorrow.

Oh my. Anyway, just a short post to say hello and let everyone know I'm still alive. :-)

Tonight is the last knitting class in this section. I've signed up for another round that starts near the end of March. I'm almost finished with my sweater and am looking forward to being able to post the finished pictures soon. I'm really looking forward to giving it to my friend for her baby. I hope she likes it.

Blessings,
~*~