making a change and sticking to it...

I finally made my decision (a week or so ago actually).  I have decided to move.  I sit amidst boxes and bags of trash or things to be donated.  I've had to take down all my altars and shrines.  The cottage should be officially on the market next week.  I've started to feel good about my decision.  I've started to actually be excited for this change.  Then last night a little worm worked it's way into my brain saying that I was making a huge mistake and I can't leave here.  But I know that is just fear talking so I'm ignoring it.

I'm on a new med that makes me crazy.  I constantly have dry mouth, tremors, dizziness and cannot stay awake.  Hopefully these side effects are temporary, but if this medicine takes the pain away, I can live with the side effects.  I won't know for a couple more weeks.  The doctor says this is our last shot.  I've been on everything that he would recommend, I've had all the procedures that can be done and so far nothing has helped.

I should have been working this afternoon, but I slept instead.  I'd best get back to work.  Only a little more packing to do before the house will be "showable" (of course there is still the intense cleaning and the yard cleanup to do). 

So I'm looking forward to change.  I'm accepting that change has to happen and that it will be what is best for me.  That's the only way I can look at it without falling into that deep dark well of despair again.

blessings
~*~

the deep deep dark

I've felt like the picture.  Dark, unfocused, cloudy.  Everything is so confusing, clouded by constant pain.  More tests, more doctors, more drugs.  Nothing seems to make a difference.  I lie in bed late at night, trying to fall asleep but that is when my brain runs on overtime.  The blinds stay closed during the day, the lights off at night.  I am so very tired.

My house is a mess, dirty dishes in the sink, dust and spiderwebs everywhere.  The garden is ...well, the garden is depressing.  I look out my back door and can only see dying pumpkin leaves, hidden behind unplanned saplings that keep growing taller with all the rain that has fallen.

Now you know why I haven't been around.  I'm in such a dark mood, so sad and confused.  I feel like my life really isn't my own and yet I don't know whose it is.  It has been suggested that I need to sell the cottage and move to a townhouse.  Someplace where I won't have to worry about yard maintenance, exterior upkeep.  I've been fighting that idea for a while now.  But lately, I think it makes sense.   As much as I don't want to give up my little cottage and my garden, my space.  I have to face that I don't have the ability to take care of it and keep it up as it needs.

After weeks of fighting myself back and forth, back and forth, I decided that I should do it.  I should move.  I've spoken with a realtor about selling the cottage and have even looked at a townhouse.  It is small, but in a good location and has a nice fenced in back area with just enough planting space that I could have flowers and maybe a tomato and pepper plant if I wanted.  Definitely no room for pumpkins, squash or anything that needs room to roam.  I'm waiting to hear from my realtor about what she thinks I could expect to get for my cottage.  I was beginning to feel comfortable about my decision.  Happy that I'd at least made a decision.

Then last night, lying in the dark - resting after yet another medical procedure - I realized that I don't want to move.  I feel like if I do, I'm giving in to my invisible illness.  I feel like I'm giving up.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to decide what is best for me.  I don't think moving will make me happy.  But I don't know that staying will make me happy either. 

Just before dark tonight, I heard the wind chimes clanking and stepped out to get the mail.  A storm was brewing and it felt so good.  I took the time to step out to the back garden, a place I haven't been in almost a week, maybe two.  I found several roma tomatoes to pick and an eggplant that looks good.  It looks like all the pumpkin plants are failing.  Their dried withered leaves reflecting my inner turmoil.  I found one small pumpkin, but found that it has been invaded by some sort of borer. 

I don't know.  I'm sure this post is boring and I had promised myself I wouldn't post things like this anymore.  But this is all I know right now.  It is all I think about.  I have no idea what will happen, if I'll sell or if I'll stay.  I just know that this indecision is killing me.  You all, out there in bloglandia, are my only real contact with people (other than doctors, nurses and pharmacists).  I don't seem to have anyone I can confide in lately.  My mum is biased even though she says she only wants the best for me, I know she wants me to move.  I've not been able to talk to my friend about it, she is busy with her family and her own life and health issues. 

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days and it was much more elegant and worth reading before I sat down and started typing.  But that seems to be par for the course too. 

I don't know when I'll be back here, maybe soon, maybe a while.  As with all things in my life, I just don't know...

blessings
~*~

Change is in the air...

there's a change coming... can you feel it?



i know fall will be here soon... it has to be... even though our local temps are supposed to spend the week in the mid 90's.

there are other changes too... another test tomorrow which may reveal some answers... hopefully...

then by the end of the week a really big change. i am not ready to share what it is yet, but i will... this year has been so full of change. through it all i've tried to remember this word ...sometimes with more success than other times...

i'm looking forward to the cooler weather...hopefully i'll be able to get out in the garden a bit when the weather turns, getting it ready for it's winter sleep. i don't plan to plant anything for fall, but rather get as much ready so i can plant in the spring. i still need to pull up the little white fencing i had placed around it to keep the beast out of the garden. i went out friday around dusk to see if there was any to be harvested and ended up getting my foot caught in the between space of the posts and fell pretty hard. nothing broken, thank the goddess, but lots of bruises and scratches.



i'm still trying to do little things to keep my spirits up as best i can. yesterday i went to herbal class, i hadn't been in months, but it felt good to be with like-minded women and work with herbs again. this morning i put together a ginger oil. i've tried making ginger honey before, but it didn't turn out so this time i'm trying an oil and am doing it a little different. i'll let you know how it turns out in about six weeks.

i think i'm off to play in the kitchen now, i feel a need to make banana bread (don't like letting bananas go bad) and i've been ruminating on trying a peach bread. what do you think? i have a lot of peaches and i am not a cobbler fan so i thought maybe a bread? we shall see i suppose...

enjoy your day...

blessings
~*~

C is for...

Chaos... confusion... control... change. Those are the things that are running rampant through my life right now. I feel completely out of control. I feel like my life is in chaos and I am very confused. The one thing I do know is that I need a change. I need a big change.

So in an effort to create the type of change that I want, I am scaling back. I will be abandoning this blog and posting only on my original blog. At least for right now. I will not be deleting this one, just leaving it alone here.

I know, minor change, but it's a start. :-)

So, if you would like to keep up with me, you can find me at SpiritWitch.

Blessings,
~*~