maybe it's true...

ten years ago, one of my neurologists suggested that my severe chronic headaches and migraines were a result of ptsd.  when he said this, i laughed and denied that i'd had the kind of trauma in my life that would cause ptsd.  he sent me to a psychiatrist to be tested/examined for ptsd.

after meeting with the psychiatrist several times, he said i definitely did not have ptsd.  

now, all these years later, i think the psychiatrist was wrong.

i didn't tell either of them everything.  i never do.  

i keep a lot to myself, having learned early in life that telling things has consequences.  there are some things i just don't discuss.  ever.

i've been having a lot of flashbacks lately.  i've always had nightmares, insomnia, memories that overwhelm me, but that all has been getting worse lately.  

anger and i are closely acquainted.  i get so angry, sometimes, about the simplest and (i've been told) most ridiculous things.  and my emotions jump around so much that at one point i was diagnosed bi-polar (only to be told later by a different doctor that i was not bi-polar).

i cry all the time.  silly little things like hallmark commercials can make me cry.  this morning, i looked at my phone and saw a headline that an actor i adore had passed away and i've been fighting tears. 

i always thought the emotional rollercoaster was from being an empath.

now i wonder... is it ptsd?  

i saw somewhere something about complex ptsd not long ago and looked it up.

i could tick off every single symptom.

here is what set me off on this today.  in the post, i received a hand written letter from a person in the nearest town that i don't know.  when i opened it i found a two page letter about how i need to get right with jesus and god.  it included writings from revelations and a pamplet for the jehovahs witnesses.

my first instinct upon realizing that a complete stranger had written to me like this was to put her in the freezer or to put her in a jar. 

my second, was to find her number, call her up and lay into her about it.  i mean, i don't go knocking on strangers doors telling them they are going to hell if they don't get saved. (or sending them letters of same) - this action, btw, is one of my biggest issues with "christianity", but that is another post for another day

my third inclination was to write her back telling her how i feel about her rude and presumptive letter.

after a few minutes of venting my anger (a LOT of anger) in my head about her and her letter, i tore it into little pieces, along with the pamphlet and threw them in the trash.

so why did this (misguided, but I'm sure well intention-ed) woman's letter set me off so badly?  it brought back memories of an abusive relative who would write me letters filled with biblical quotes and telling me how i was satan's child and would burn in hell for eternity and all sorts of deliciousness like that...and how they couldn't associate with me as i would corrupt them... (btw - those letters were not the abuse they perpetrated, just the second rate form later in life)

so...now i'm wondering what to do.  i have had enough of psychiatrists and psychologists and therapists to last a life time.  seriously, more of my life has been spent in therapy than out of it.

but things are getting very much out of hand.  i fly off the handle at people for inexcusable reasons.  i've pretty much cut everyone out of my life (this was not helped by pandemic year) and am starting to get scared of myself. i cry for hours at a time and the headaches... well...i don't know how much more of this pain i can stand.  

honestly, this wasn't the post i'd planned for...

i don't even know why i'm writing all this...

just my way of asking the universe for help i suppose...

thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

 

 

 

Part 2

Bullets, Bombshells and the Best Laid Plans...

My last post was a round up of part 1, Bullets.  Today, I'll give another brief round up of part 2.

Bombshells

Way back in December, at my quarterly check-in with my Endo, he seemed concerned that my throat felt swollen.  He sent me off for an ultrasound of my thyroid.  I had also noticed that my throat felt larger and harder (weird to explain) and my usual difficulty swallowing was getting worse.  As I constantly feel like a hypochondriac with all my health issues, I didn't say anything to him about it. 

The ultrasound procedure was quick and she said they'd have the results to the doctor in a few days.  So, I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Two weeks later and I get a call that there are some growths on my thyroid and they want to do a biopsy.  Of course, the use of the "b" word completely freaked me out.  But I stayed calm and said, okay.  I expected when the call came to schedule the procedure it would be set for maybe a week or soon as this isn't something you wait around on.  Well...you know what happens when one assumes.

So, first week in January they call to schedule the biopsy.  For the END of February.  That's right.  Make a person who is already freaked out about needing a freaking biopsy to wait almost two months before doing the actual test.  But...I held it together and then was distracted by Bullets. 

(Now a little aside here, I'd not told anyone, including my family, what was going on up until just before the procedure.  I'd also been very specific to ask those that I did tell to not share the information with anyone at all. I had my reasons, part of which have to do with that hyprochondriacness and other things.)

Come to the end of February, off to the doctors I go.   I was able to see my thyroid as he did the biopsy.  Seeing the growths he was talking about I made the comment that they didn't look small to me.  To which I got silence.  Complete crickets.  So, even more freaked out I stayed quiet so we could proceed.  The procedure was nerve wracking but I'd been through biopsies before so I did okay.  Although, having to hold my throat so very still was extremely difficult for some reason.

Afterwards, the doctor said he should have the results in about week.  A week goes by, my mum calls asking if I've heard.  Nope, I say.  She says to call the doctor.  Another week goes by, another call from my mum (of course by that point I was getting a call from her just to ask about this every other day).  Not only is she asking about it, but she's telling me about her friends asking her about it.  Huh?  Yeah, so much for my request for privacy.

I continue to be patient and wait.  

I am not known for my patience.  In fact, I'm know for being completely impatient especially when it comes to medical things.  I've been down this strange growths, biopsy road a number of times and it NEVER gets easier.  So, by the time I received a call from my doctor at the END of MARCH, I was completely undone.  Turns out he thought he'd already talked to me.  I'd sent him emails about it a few times asking for the results and he never replied to those.  Bottom line, the one growth he biopsied was not malignant.  However, he doesn't know what it is.  The lab couldn't identify it.  O....Kay.  

Somehow, I wasn't suprised.  I have strange, unknown growths inside me that the doctors can't figure out what it is.  Yeah, been there, done that.  At least this time they didn't just cut it out of me. 

So, basically the bombshell is that I have these unidentified growths on my thyroid and I get to just wait and see what they become.  The doctor said we'll do another ultrasound and possibly another biopsy in a year.   

Every once in a while, when my throat feels especially swollen or I'm having a hard time swallowing, I get an image in my head of the growths on my thyroid.  They look like the eggs from the Aliens movies and I keep waiting for one of those f&*kers to explode out of it.

Thus concludes my sort of brief round up of part 2 of why I've been silent since the beginning of the year.  Next up...The Best Laid Plans.

love & blessings
~*~


ps...thanks for sticking with me.  I promise to get to more fun stuff soon.  :-)


 

random update

I keep meaning to get here and just haven't been able to do so.  Head pain funks, party planning, creating things for said party, doctors appointments major anxiety issues and pruning shears punching a whole in my foot have all conspired to keep me away.  The meds I'm on for the foot injury keep me pretty much unconscious.  I've been having to go to the doc every day since I injured my foot.   Due to the diabetes and how quickly it became infected they want to keep a close eye on it.  oy vey!

The garden in coming along slowly.  We had so much rain for a few weeks that several of my babies drowned but of course the weeds flourished.  I've been trying to work on the beds a little at a time (before I hurt my foot).  There is no telling what kind of chaos I'll find out there now.  I do know that all thirteen mounds of pumpkins have sprouted and seem to be doing well.  That makes me very happy!

I'm trying to get myself ready for an art retreat that I signed up for.  It is the week after the fourth of July and now that it's getting close my anxiety is kicking in and making me doubt that I should have signed up.  I suspect it is too late to get out of it with any money back and it cost more than I can afford to lose.  I need to get online and order supplies so they get here in time, but I've been unable to be online for long.

And then yesterday, I found out that I'll need to be hospitalized two days after I return from that trip.  I'll go in for approximately three days for some kind of drip and closely watched.  It is to try to break the cycle of the headaches they said.  Today I started a steroid burst that is supposed to do the same thing but so far they seem worse.  I'm on so many different medications that I don't think my body knows what to do.  Maybe that is why I can't stay awake.

Sorry there aren't any photos today.  I'm just trying to get some of these thought out and the camera is in the other room.  I don't have the energy to sort through it right now.  Next post I'll have photos.  :-)

I hope everyone is doing well.  I'm off to sort my way through bloglandia and see what you all have been up to.
blessings
~*~

Gardening is fun...

Last night after work I spent 3 and 1/2 hours working in the yard. I planted a lilac, snowball and two small camellia's that my mum had brought from her house. I also got the parsley, woodruff and foxglove planted. Oh, and I moved my hydrangea to another (better) location. We also dug up some dead trees and cleaned out some borders.

I sure hope that the stuff I planted lives! I love lilac and the snowball is from a plant that was at my Grandmother's house (my paternal side) so it is very, very special to me.

Right now I'm sitting in the office (alone) trying to breathe. This morning I went in to the doctor for blood work and check up and explained that I have had a migraine for two and 1/2 weeks. So, he gave me a cortisone shot. About an hour ago, my throat started closing up and my tongue started to feel swollen and my chest started feeling very heavy. The symptoms haven't gone away, in fact they seem to be getting worse. I now have a weird sick feeling in my stomach, not like a nauseous feeling, just sick. Anyway, I called the doctor's office and left a message as they were closed for lunch. My migraine is getting worse and my vision is getting blurry. I hope they call soon.

My post feels very naked without a picture... so here is a picture of the beast in one of his calm states. He actually did very well this weekend laying in the sun and being quiet while I worked. It was nice. Now if he would just be like this all the time! :-)




Isn't he cute?!?

Blessings,
~*~

Old news

I just realized that I had promised to post photos from our day of snow last week and had yet to do it. Sorry! My brain has been on overdrive lately and I just have tons on my mind. I can't keep up with anything!


Here are a few pictures from our snow. Please remember I live in the south, so there isn't much in the way of snow. :-)





This particular photo I took in the parking lot at work from inside my car. It was really coming down. :-)




To the left is my bird feeder after the snow had pretty much quit. As you can see, I need to feed the birds. I haven't done that in a while. I don't know the official amount of snow we received, I was just happy to see it coming down.


And last, but not least...In an unusual turn of events school was not canceled or delayed that day, so my co-worker and I had to go out into the county to deliver some equipment. While riding out in the northern part of the county and getting lost (because I was navigating and couldn't remember how to get there) we stumbled upon this house. I had to take a picture of it because I just thought it was so beautiful! I love old houses and as I explain to people who ask why I have such a fascination with them, when I look at an old house I see what it is, but I also see what it was or could be. Even ratty old shacks that are falling down. It is like there is an overlay on top of what is really there that has the grand beauty of it showing. I don't know...it is hard to explain. Someday I hope to be able to find an old house that is in need of love and bring it back to the life it deserves. :-)


On the knitting front, I had to frog my sweater again! I had gotten all the rows done that I needed to for the part I'm on, but I had too many stitches on the last row and when I looked, my yarn overs were not in the right places. ARGH!!!
So, this morning, while sitting in the doctors office having some tests, I ripped it out and started again. Tomorrow night is class and I would really like to get in there having complete this first part correctly. So, I suppose tonight while watching Prison Break and 24 I will have to work very hard on it. Although, I may have to wait until those shows are over so I can concentrate on the knitting. :-) Both of those shows require attention in order to make it through them and know what is going on.

And here's a question...while I'm sitting in the doctors office this morning, the receptionist comes in and is coughing, sneezing and just sounds horrible. She tells the doctor she just doesn't know if she can make it because she feels so bad and has been throwing up all night. Now the doctor I'm there seeing is a general practitioner so he would treat this kind of thing. He tells her she needs to see someone about her cold. Um...hello...why can't she see him? Are doctors not allowed to treat their employees?

Anyway, after spending an hour and a half in there with her, I sure better not get sick!

Blessings,