Wishcasting Wednesday

(Tonight I'm joining Jamie for Wishcasting Wednesday.  This weeks prompt is: What Sign from the Universe Do You Wish For?)

I find it to be very interesting that this is today's prompt and that I saw the post before the day was over.  There has been so much change going on around and in me lately that I have been wondering what exactly the universe is trying to tell me.  If you've been with me for a while you'll know that I deal with a couple of invisible chronic illnesses every minute of every day.  And that each day has been getting harder and harder to get through.

I have had many dreams in my life of things that I wanted, ways I wanted to live, what I wanted to be.  Each dream has been stopped in its tracks, and slowly but surely, I've watched every dream disintegrate.  I've spent lots of time wondering just what I should do.

So my answer to today's prompt is that I would like for a sign from the universe that there is a reason that a dream will come true for me, even if it isn't one that I have dreamed of yet.

What Sign from the Universe Do You Wish For?

blessings
~*~

Autumn wishes and a general update

(this is an old photo from 2008 - I haven't been taking any photos lately)


Autumn arrived today and with it I feel better than I have in months.  I don't know if it is the change of season or going off some very heavy meds, but I do feel better.  For the past month I've been like the walking dead.  I've slept for anywhere from 14 to 20 hours in a day.  I'm still dealing with the requisite withdrawal (nausea, no appetite, etc.) but I do feel better.

This zombie like life has put a halt to plans for the cottage sale.  We have all but three rooms to go, the kitchen, laundry room and my studio (which will require the most work).  My mum had her cleaning lady come in yesterday and today and clean the rooms not mentioned above.  She's a lovely lady and very sweet, but after she left today I found a letter from her where she basically told my that my health issues are because I practice witchcraft and that if I renounce it and turn to Christ, I'll be healed.

This is why I don't allow people in my home.  I can't imagine what type of letter I would have gotten had I not already taken down all my altars and shrines.  Oy vey...

Tomorrow I will push through, I hope, and finish the kitchen and laundry room and then Tuesday I hope to tackle the studio.  I've decided to let mum have a landscape crew come in and just fix the yard and garden so it looks good for selling.  I did tell her no to having the seed the big pumpkin patch with grass, because if I'm still here next summer, I'd like to try again.

So if all goes well the cottage should be on market by the end of the week.  I'd like to get it settled before I go to hospital a week from tomorrow for wee procedure.  I had one back in 2008 and remember being awake for it, but they tell me I'll be sedated for this one.  So, that makes me a little more nervous.

Alright, I'm signing off for now but hope to be back soon with maybe some art or something fun and good.

I wish you all a wonderful Mabon and wonderful Autumny feelings. 

(Maybe I'll go buy some pumpkins this week for the porch.)

making a change and sticking to it...

I finally made my decision (a week or so ago actually).  I have decided to move.  I sit amidst boxes and bags of trash or things to be donated.  I've had to take down all my altars and shrines.  The cottage should be officially on the market next week.  I've started to feel good about my decision.  I've started to actually be excited for this change.  Then last night a little worm worked it's way into my brain saying that I was making a huge mistake and I can't leave here.  But I know that is just fear talking so I'm ignoring it.

I'm on a new med that makes me crazy.  I constantly have dry mouth, tremors, dizziness and cannot stay awake.  Hopefully these side effects are temporary, but if this medicine takes the pain away, I can live with the side effects.  I won't know for a couple more weeks.  The doctor says this is our last shot.  I've been on everything that he would recommend, I've had all the procedures that can be done and so far nothing has helped.

I should have been working this afternoon, but I slept instead.  I'd best get back to work.  Only a little more packing to do before the house will be "showable" (of course there is still the intense cleaning and the yard cleanup to do). 

So I'm looking forward to change.  I'm accepting that change has to happen and that it will be what is best for me.  That's the only way I can look at it without falling into that deep dark well of despair again.

blessings
~*~

the deep deep dark

I've felt like the picture.  Dark, unfocused, cloudy.  Everything is so confusing, clouded by constant pain.  More tests, more doctors, more drugs.  Nothing seems to make a difference.  I lie in bed late at night, trying to fall asleep but that is when my brain runs on overtime.  The blinds stay closed during the day, the lights off at night.  I am so very tired.

My house is a mess, dirty dishes in the sink, dust and spiderwebs everywhere.  The garden is ...well, the garden is depressing.  I look out my back door and can only see dying pumpkin leaves, hidden behind unplanned saplings that keep growing taller with all the rain that has fallen.

Now you know why I haven't been around.  I'm in such a dark mood, so sad and confused.  I feel like my life really isn't my own and yet I don't know whose it is.  It has been suggested that I need to sell the cottage and move to a townhouse.  Someplace where I won't have to worry about yard maintenance, exterior upkeep.  I've been fighting that idea for a while now.  But lately, I think it makes sense.   As much as I don't want to give up my little cottage and my garden, my space.  I have to face that I don't have the ability to take care of it and keep it up as it needs.

After weeks of fighting myself back and forth, back and forth, I decided that I should do it.  I should move.  I've spoken with a realtor about selling the cottage and have even looked at a townhouse.  It is small, but in a good location and has a nice fenced in back area with just enough planting space that I could have flowers and maybe a tomato and pepper plant if I wanted.  Definitely no room for pumpkins, squash or anything that needs room to roam.  I'm waiting to hear from my realtor about what she thinks I could expect to get for my cottage.  I was beginning to feel comfortable about my decision.  Happy that I'd at least made a decision.

Then last night, lying in the dark - resting after yet another medical procedure - I realized that I don't want to move.  I feel like if I do, I'm giving in to my invisible illness.  I feel like I'm giving up.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how to decide what is best for me.  I don't think moving will make me happy.  But I don't know that staying will make me happy either. 

Just before dark tonight, I heard the wind chimes clanking and stepped out to get the mail.  A storm was brewing and it felt so good.  I took the time to step out to the back garden, a place I haven't been in almost a week, maybe two.  I found several roma tomatoes to pick and an eggplant that looks good.  It looks like all the pumpkin plants are failing.  Their dried withered leaves reflecting my inner turmoil.  I found one small pumpkin, but found that it has been invaded by some sort of borer. 

I don't know.  I'm sure this post is boring and I had promised myself I wouldn't post things like this anymore.  But this is all I know right now.  It is all I think about.  I have no idea what will happen, if I'll sell or if I'll stay.  I just know that this indecision is killing me.  You all, out there in bloglandia, are my only real contact with people (other than doctors, nurses and pharmacists).  I don't seem to have anyone I can confide in lately.  My mum is biased even though she says she only wants the best for me, I know she wants me to move.  I've not been able to talk to my friend about it, she is busy with her family and her own life and health issues. 

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of days and it was much more elegant and worth reading before I sat down and started typing.  But that seems to be par for the course too. 

I don't know when I'll be back here, maybe soon, maybe a while.  As with all things in my life, I just don't know...

blessings
~*~

a little bit grey a little bit light

The sky, early this morning, was the perfect image for how I've been feeling this past week.  The headaches have been getting the best of me again and I've not really been trying to move past it.  I feel beaten down by this constant pain and as I sat in the garden, looking up at the cloudy sky, I wondered if I'd ever move on, ever be free from this pain.  

 Then I started to take another look around me.  I wandered the garden looking at all the overgrown weeds in the pumpkin patch, the stray treelings that like to pop up in the wrong places, the general craziness of the garden, amid which I spotted this...

the butterflies seem to love the Joe Pye Weed.  Their bright colors and fluttering wings brought a smile to my face and helped me to remember that I can't give up.  I have to keep trying, no matter what.  So I dug down deep inside and spent about two hours working on pulling weeds from the pumpkin patch (after wandering around and snapping lots of pictures of course.)

I made quite a dent in the pumpkin patch weeds, working on trying to get a new pathway into the garden.  My regular path between the raised beds and pumpkin patch has become blocked by the volunteer from the composter, the zucchini and the cucumbers merging toward each other.

This is the volunteer.  I've been trying for months to figure out what it is, squash, zucchini or pumpkin, but the mystery is solved.

   

 It's Pumpkin!  I found this baby yesterday and this morning it was already much larger.  There are several babies on it and I'm so excited to see them.  Yet another thing that reminded me to keep going, keep trying.  I can't wait to see how they grow and what kind of pumpkin it turns out to be.

 Tomorrow is full of doctor appointments so I hope to get back to work in the garden on Friday.  Maybe I can have a pumpkin/garden progress post later this weekend. 

I want to take this chance to thank Joane at Ivory Pumpkin for the package that arrived a few days ago.  I won this beautiful skeleton key pendant necklace from her Pre-Halloween Give Away and she included a beautiful fairy pendant as well.  I love them both.  I have a thing for skeleton keys and am always drawn to them so this was an especially wonderful gift.  :-)

If you haven't visited her site, please stop by.  She's counting down to Halloween with lots of neat holiday related posts.  And as evidenced by the beautiful pendants below is a very talented artist.  Thank you, Joane!!

I'm going to say good night now and head on to bed.  I hope to be back here soon!
blessings
~*~

got tomato?

Happy Monday!  Or should I say Moonday?  Today is the full moon and it is a "super" one as well.  I've been getting up really early for the past week or so and caught this early morning photo while working in the garden.  I have to get out in the garden early, before it gets too hot.  Even at 6 in the morning it's been in the mid to high 70's and the humidity has been close to 100%.  So, early morning work is best for me. 

The past two days I've been swimming in the morning instead of working in the garden.  I did try to get in a few hours today but I was just too exhausted.  I only spent an hour in the garden and was worn out.  I really need to get my strength built up. 

As I think I mentioned in my last post, I've been giving lots of thought to why I blog and what I blog about.  I think I've gotten away from what it was about...my favorite things.  So, I'm going to try to get back to blogging about my favorite things and today I'm starting with a recipe.

I love to cook and bake.  I learned from my both my grandmothers how to cook and I've always done it for lots of people.  Having just one to cook for has taken a lot of adjustment when I used to cook for my mum and brother and all my brother's friends. 

Since tomatoes are coming in like mad (at the farmer's market if not in my own garden yet), I thought I'd share a recipe from my mum that I tweaked over the weekend.  Let me introduce the lovely Tomato Pie.

No photos of the making of, just the end result.  (sorry)

Here's the recipe:

1 deep dish pastry crust (or make your own)  - I used the refrigerated pie crust and rolled it out into my own pie plate. 


4-5 tomatoes, sliced thick
1/2 cup green or yellow onion, chopped
1/2 cup green pepper, chopped
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp pepper
1/2 tbsp basil

1/2 cup mayonnaise
2 cups shredded cheddar cheese (sharp is best)

pre-heat oven to 350 degrees then bake the pie crust for 5 minutes.
lay the sliced tomatoes on paper towels and cover with paper towels to allow to soak up some of the moisture (this keeps your pie from being too runny when it's done)

after crust is baked, layer the tomatoes in the bottom of the pie crust.  add onion, pepper and mushroom and sprinkle with the salt, pepper and basil.

mix the mayo and cheese together and cover entire pie with cheese mixture.

bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes.  let sit for 10-15 minutes before cutting.

enjoy!

I'll let you in on a little secret with this tomato pie.  The mushrooms and green pepper were my add-ins.  They weren't in the original recipe and I think they add a lot to it.  The other part of the secret is that when I made this one, I forgot to add the salt and pepper.  (I also used fresh basil from the garden.)  I didn't miss the salt and pepper at all.  I think the bell pepper and mushrooms just added more flavor. 

If you have lots of extra tomatoes or even if you don't, I hope you'll give this a try.  It is a wonderful summer time treat.  I'm thinking of adding eggplant next time.  Doesn't that just sound so yummy? 

If you give it a try, I'd love to know what you thought. 

Hope you have a great rest of your day/evening.
blessings
~*~

finding myself...

I've been thinking about this little blog for a while, about why I blog, why I don't blog, what I blog about, do people enjoy reading my blog, am I writing for my readers or for myself, should I be writing for my readers or myself, etc, etc, etc.

This past weekend's tea party post had more reads than probably two years combined.  I've also noticed that I seem to get a lot of reads, but not many comments.  I'm really curious about this.  But I wonder if I should be. 

When I first started blogging, I did it for myself.  I did it as a type of journal writing.  But then I started getting readers and comments and it became fun interacting with people this way.  I know over the past 2-3 years, my posting has really been very minimal.  Mostly it was because of my health situation and how horrible it made me feel.  It hasn't been until recently (well, since last October) that I've learned to adjust to my situation.  When I stopped blogging it was because I felt like all I did was complain and whine and no one wants to read about that, now do they?

I had lost my mojo, lost being able to see the beauty in a sunset, lost being able to relate to and enjoy my favorite things, much less share them here.  So I gave up.  I quit blogging and I quit reading the blogs I love. 

I feel like I'm back now.  I feel like I've been slowly regaining myself and now I'm ready to be here.  I'm ready to take my life back and to share it here.  So, I hope you'll consider coming back too.  I hope to bring some interesting things to this blog in the near future.  Maybe figure out a way to make it more fun for you too.  If you are a follower or regular reader and there is something you'd like me to post about, please let me know.  :-)

I truly appreciate each and every one of you.

blessings
~*~