grateful for all...

 oh, my lovelies...

yesterday, my intention for the day was to remember to find little sparkles of joy, or something like that.  so, i braided my hair and enjoyed looking at the braids all day.

i watched the birds sing and flit about the back garden for a bit.

i listened to music and sang like i was on stage whilst driving to hospital.

i collapsed into my chair after arriving home and rested and read for hours after hospital because, damn, but that takes a lot out of a body.

i don't think i found as many as i had hoped - because 3 hours in hospital and subsequent exhaustion after.

so today i thought i'd share the little sparkles from my last couple of weeks with you.

july's cheesecake day was banana pudding cheesecake.  i only had one piece before the rest disappeared.  it was much better than i thought it would be, and i wish i'd been able to have another piece.  making all these has given me some ideas for others that i want to create myself.

i'm not certain what is going on with the weather, but we've had big storms every day.  it's been so hot and humid.  i don't think i've had to water the garden in maybe three weeks, with all the rain we've had.

the neighbor had company today, and they arrived in this 1941 Cadillac LaSalle.  It's a very nice, cool car, but I would've picked a different color.

a turtle the neighbor found in the back yard.  she called and told me to hurry over.  i thought she'd found a snake, but just a pretty turtle.

the harvest from this morning. some of the cucumbers are funny shaped cause they were growing on the ground instead of hanging. but they'll eat just fine.  there are a few tomatoes, a couple cayenne peppers, jalapenos and a small handful of green beans.  just enough for me to have for dinner tonight.

yes, i know.  this doesn't look like a sparkle.  but i'm hopeful that it will bring me a bit of relief from migrainelandia.  yesterday was my 2nd of 8 weekly magnesium sulfate and fluid infusions.  i'm at hospital for about 2 1/2 - 3 hours, in a nice quiet room.  yesterday went by very quickly, thanks to some meditations and spotify.

well, that's it for me today.  i'm off to finish the rearrange/deep cleanup of my art area and a few other things.  i hope to get to read and catch up on all my favorite blogs soon.  my reading has fallen behind a lot.

hope you're having a lovely day.  let's find something to be grateful for today, as i'm grateful for all of the above.

love & kisses & magical wishes, 

~*~  

most days...

at this moment - as i type these words - sixteen years ago, i was fighting to keep a smile on my face.  i was in pain, scared, sad, frustrated and miserable.  i had to keep the smile, since i wasn't alone and i didn't feel that i could let anyone see how i really felt.

i was lying in a hospital bed, in a hospital i had set foot in once (for pre-op work) in 22 years.  it was the hospital my beloved grandmother died in.  i had sworn i'd never, ever go back there.  yet there i was.

in my room were my dad and stepmum, two aunts and an uncle.  a friend was waiting in the hall to visit.  i didn't want any of them there.  i wanted to be alone.

sixteen years ago my life came to an end. the life i'd planned for, dreamed of and wished for since i was just a little girl.  it was all gone with the slice of a scalpel.

3 months prior i was diagnosed with low-malignant borderline ovarian cancer.  slow growing, they said.  had it for years, they said.  ovaries must come out.  i saw several fertility and cancer specialists in an attempt to harvest eggs but they all said it was highly unlikely any would be viable.  my surgeon promised to leave my uterus intact, maybe i could find a donor they said.

after surgery, the doctor said she was sorry, but they had to take the uterus too.  the "slow-growing" cancer that they had scraped off my uterine wall when they found it 3 months prior had grown back already and had spread too far.

no babies for me.  not ever.  

to say i was devastated would be putting it mildly.  i was put on suicide watch in the hospital.  one of my friends (a nurse) was to come stay with me, but there was a very bad winter storm and i didn't want her on the roads between towns in that weather.  she had two children and i couldn't let her take a chance on an accident.

that first night after surgery, i lay in that bed with those horrible balloon things on my legs (to prevent clots), sweating and crying.  i was so hot!  i kept begging them to turn down the heat and they had. but hitting full blown menopause in an instant is a bitch.

i was released from the hospital after a few days.  days i spent trying to smile as my friend brought her two daughters to see me and my mum's friend came to see me and brought her daughter.  it was like everyone was shoving what i couldn't have in my face.

worse, when i finally returned to work i found my direct supervisor's wife had become pregnant while i was out.  as had my best friend.  pregnant women and babies were everywhere i looked.  i couldn't escape.

i became so much more miserable.  i pretty much gave up. i gave up on friends, on finding a relationship, on having any type of family.  i gave up on wishing and dreaming.  i gave up on living.

-----------

back in august of 2019, i took a trip that shifted something inside me.  in december of that year, i chose the word gratitude for my word for 2020.  i don't know about you, but around about march i felt maybe i wouldn't be able to find anything to be grateful for during 2020.  

i was wrong.  i found everything to be grateful for.

i found gratitude for grocery store clerks who could still be polite and smile and wish you a good day even when they'd been on their feet with rude greedy people being mean to them all day.

i found gratitude for the postal carriers who did their best when their bosses took away important equipment at the whims of a cry-baby tyrant that made their jobs so much harder.

i found gratitude for neighbors of siblings/relatives who know how to sew and made masks for people who don't know how.

i found gratitude for artists who created free programs to share with others so we would have some fun and maybe make a few connections in a digital world.

i even found gratitude in the chaos and dis-unity as it taught me who i could trust and who i couldn't.  it helped me see who needed to be cut from my life.

i found gratitude in so many places, for so many things.

the most important thing...

i found gratitude in living.

the words came to me one morning back in the autumn as i was writing my morning pages and had just one blank line left to fill.  i was searching my brain for affirmations and this one flowed out of my pen before i even realized what i was writing.

i am grateful to be alive.

some days are still very hard.  the longing for children to love and guide is still there, but only occasionally.  the sadness that i'll never have grandchildren to spoil and teach to love the earth and each other, still stings.  but i'm better most days. 

most days...

so, it's been sixteen years today... i don't think of it as an anniversary.  it certainly isn't something i celebrate.  i think of it more as a memorial day.  a memorial to the children i would have had, loved, cared for and helped blossom into spectacular human beings.  a memorial to the children of those children, and so forth.

i'm learning to accept that the gods had a plan and my being a mother wasn't part of it.  i am learning to trust that it is okay.

i can dream other dreams.  i can wish for other things.  i can still find a relationship (hopefully?).  i can still want things.  i can still be grateful.

yes... i am grateful to be alive.

thank you for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

 

gratitude... a year in review...

 

hello, my dears...

the end of 2020 is here and for some it is already 2021.  i'm fairly certain there is not a person on the planet that is not happy to see this year end and a new one begin.  i know i am.  how about you?

i don't have a lot of photos to share in this post.  the top is how my art desk looks now.  i've spent some time this week getting it cleaned up and changing it up a bit.  now it is ready for the new year and new arting.

the second photo is of an art journal spread i did on the 14th.  i was feeling very, very bad.  a combination of a burgeoning migraine and depression and was trying to fight the pull of the well.  i wanted to paint, but i also just wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for days.  i remembered something effy wild said about how even if you don't feel like it, come to the table.  so i did.  i was very happy i did and i loved how she turned out.  i chose 'choice' as the word at her throat because i made the choice to keep myself out of the well for that day.  and that was good.  and that was progress...

so...

my word for 2020 was gratitude.  i had a tendency to not be grateful for things that i should and i learned during 2019 that i had a lot to be grateful for.  i think it was a wise choice and it definitely had an impact.  i recognize it now, and acknowledge my gratitude every single day.  even in the middle of a migraine or while sinking to the bottom of the well, i am grateful.

the word that chose me for 2021 appeared back in october.  when it presented itself, i thought it was wonderful.  i'll share that tomorrow.

i meant to be here more the past few weeks.  but, like always, the holidays are difficult.  and, of course, this year, even worse.  i chose to not participate in our family holiday meal.  my sil had been exposed to the virus, through work and i just couldn't bring myself to take a chance. (she has since been tested several times and all have come back negative)

so, i stayed home.  i did cook part of the meal though, so that i could have some of it.  (i can't eat anything prepared by someone else, yet).

now i'm ready to enjoy the rest of the year: nachos for dinner and maybe a tiny sip of eggnog with the nog near to midnight and working on my 2021 planner.

tomorrow is a new start.  not a stop, not an end.  but a curve around the wheel of time.

i hope you have a had as wonderful a holiday season as possible and that the new year ahead brings you all the joy and happiness you deserve.

thank you for being here with me and reading along.

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

a thank you...

I had a lovely surprise last week.  I received an email that I'd won Heather's Tasha Tuesday giveaway for that week.  I was so excited!  

After a few bad days, pain wise, I stepped out to get the mail today and found a package had arrived.  Look at the beautiful gifts!  I've always loved Heather's art and have an original painting hanging in my bedroom.  I'm hoping to add more of her art to my collection.  I love the card of her painting of Tasha and the little corgis. In addition there was a gorgeous scarf.  The colors are so lovely (and not really photographed very well) and I love the pattern.

Thank you Heather so much for this wonderful gift!  I love it so much.  I'm already searching through my stash to see if I have a frame to use for the card.  I can't wait to hang it up.

If you like folk art, or Tasha Tudor, head over to Heather's blog.  She is such a sweet and talented lady.  I've been following her blog for years and just love reading about the things she does and makes.

Thanks for stopping in for a read...

love & blessings

~*~

 

grateful...

 

I am grateful for...

time spent arting...

a little blue butterfly that followed me around the garden one day while I planted flowers, herbs and vegetables...

blueberries picked from my own little garden...

the crows that greet me when I'm outside...

memorial day weekend kickoff fireworks...

this little hummingbird and her family and friends who flit around my garden all the time and don't seem to be afraid of me at all...

the sight and scent of this blooming Lady of Shallott rose...

family who understands that for a milestone birthday (50), I would not enjoy a party with my neighbors, but I would love and greatly appreciate and never forget being gifted with a 4 day trip to the ocean (that I hadn't seen in person in 11 years)... 

my little patio garden, where I can enjoy time in nature and fresh air...

This is just a short list of what I'm grateful for today.  I thought it would be a good way to re-acquaint myself with my little corner of the interwebs.

I've been trying to catch up with everyone and hope you are all well.

thanks for stopping in for a read...
love & blessings
~*~

a little bit grey a little bit light

The sky, early this morning, was the perfect image for how I've been feeling this past week.  The headaches have been getting the best of me again and I've not really been trying to move past it.  I feel beaten down by this constant pain and as I sat in the garden, looking up at the cloudy sky, I wondered if I'd ever move on, ever be free from this pain.  

 Then I started to take another look around me.  I wandered the garden looking at all the overgrown weeds in the pumpkin patch, the stray treelings that like to pop up in the wrong places, the general craziness of the garden, amid which I spotted this...

the butterflies seem to love the Joe Pye Weed.  Their bright colors and fluttering wings brought a smile to my face and helped me to remember that I can't give up.  I have to keep trying, no matter what.  So I dug down deep inside and spent about two hours working on pulling weeds from the pumpkin patch (after wandering around and snapping lots of pictures of course.)

I made quite a dent in the pumpkin patch weeds, working on trying to get a new pathway into the garden.  My regular path between the raised beds and pumpkin patch has become blocked by the volunteer from the composter, the zucchini and the cucumbers merging toward each other.

This is the volunteer.  I've been trying for months to figure out what it is, squash, zucchini or pumpkin, but the mystery is solved.

   

 It's Pumpkin!  I found this baby yesterday and this morning it was already much larger.  There are several babies on it and I'm so excited to see them.  Yet another thing that reminded me to keep going, keep trying.  I can't wait to see how they grow and what kind of pumpkin it turns out to be.

 Tomorrow is full of doctor appointments so I hope to get back to work in the garden on Friday.  Maybe I can have a pumpkin/garden progress post later this weekend. 

I want to take this chance to thank Joane at Ivory Pumpkin for the package that arrived a few days ago.  I won this beautiful skeleton key pendant necklace from her Pre-Halloween Give Away and she included a beautiful fairy pendant as well.  I love them both.  I have a thing for skeleton keys and am always drawn to them so this was an especially wonderful gift.  :-)

If you haven't visited her site, please stop by.  She's counting down to Halloween with lots of neat holiday related posts.  And as evidenced by the beautiful pendants below is a very talented artist.  Thank you, Joane!!

I'm going to say good night now and head on to bed.  I hope to be back here soon!
blessings
~*~