Showing posts with label wishes and dreams. Show all posts
Showing posts with label wishes and dreams. Show all posts
30 March 2018
wishing
I spend most of my time wishing. At least, that's what it seems like most days. I wish for lots of things as I'm sure most people do. I wish for more friends, I wish for cooler or warmer weather, depending. I wish for love. I wish for peace. I wish for strength. I wish for talent, people to talk to, someone to clean the house. :-)
Mostly I wish my life was different. I wish that I wasn't in extreme pain every minute of every day. I wish I wasn't just existing, I wish that I was living. I wish I was brave enough to change my life. I wish I was brave enough to just try.
I was very hesitant when I moved to this house last May. There were many challenges that I wasn't sure how to face, but there were more pros to living here than there were cons. I was ready to move within two months. But, I'm still here.
I have been looking. I search the net several times a week looking for a place in the mountains. I've found a few places that looked promising. I'll get excited about it and decide to call and make an appointment to drive up and look. Then...well, then I get scared. I'll have a really bad day - pain wise. I'll fall, or pass out, or lose time. Then I think, I can't move. I have to stay here. Living several hours from what little family I have, knowing no one around. What am I thinking? Move? That's crazy! And I'll settle in to staying here and figuring out how to make the best of it.
Then a few days later the urge to go comes over me again and I'm back on the merry go round.
This past winter was rough. Wishing...spending so much time just lying or sitting staring into space...wishing.
I wish I was brave and could take a leap of faith. But I think I've lost my faith right along with my strength, my memory, my balance and my life.
I don't know how to stop wishing and start doing. That's what everyone says, right? Stop thinking and start doing.
I really wish I knew how.
blessings
~*~
ps...I have spent a lot of time wishing to blog again...so I guess it's a start.
pps...how was your winter?
11 February 2014
burrowing
It appears that winter is finally ready to share her bounty with the area I live in. We are in for a pretty good winter storm if the meteorologists are to be believed. And all the signs have been pointing to it lately. Several nights ago there was a huge ring around the moon (a sign of snow and/or trouble). The wildlife has been scrounging around in a flurry for extra food.
The image below is from the weather channel's web site. If you look at the map and find the word SNOW, I live around the W. We are getting forecasts of anywhere from 5 inches to a foot of snow.
I bet you can guess which I'm hoping for. :-)
Yesterday was tax day for me. So now I have that done and don't have to worry anymore about it. I also saw the doctor about that episode from two weeks ago and the resultant problems. I must say, I wasn't very encouraged when I left. In fact, I was in tears when I left the hospital. He didn't seem at all concerned about the word retrieval, confusion and disconnectedness I'm experiencing. He wants me to have all the MRI's, etc., test results that I have had within the last year sent to him and then go back to see him in three months. I am trying to get in to see my regular neurologist but the earliest appointment they have is May.
I guess the only thing I can do is just keep plugging along and being careful. I don't know what else to do.
Anywho...
As you can see by the photo below, I'm ready for the snow.
It snowed almost all day yesterday but didn't accumulate at all. I still enjoyed it. Going to and from errands, being out in the snow without a threat of slipping was great. I even took the time to visit my friends at Green Hill Cemetery.
During my house arrest after the fall, I went a little stir crazy and rearranged the living room. I'd been wanting to be able to sit very close to the fireplace so I would feel the warmth when it is on. Now I can and it is quite cozy. So I'm all ready for the storm.
I have plenty of food, am going to make Senate Bean Soup tomorrow. I found it via Jaz at Octoberfarm. I've been wanting to make it for weeks and this seems like a great time.
I think I've rambled enough for now. I'm off to make certain my camera batteries are all charged, get my beans soaking, experiment with an ice cream recipe and do some blog reading.
I hope you are having a great week. I'll get back soon with hopefully some snow photos. (Not that a lot of you really want to see more snow! Haha!)
blessings
~*~
The image below is from the weather channel's web site. If you look at the map and find the word SNOW, I live around the W. We are getting forecasts of anywhere from 5 inches to a foot of snow.
Yesterday was tax day for me. So now I have that done and don't have to worry anymore about it. I also saw the doctor about that episode from two weeks ago and the resultant problems. I must say, I wasn't very encouraged when I left. In fact, I was in tears when I left the hospital. He didn't seem at all concerned about the word retrieval, confusion and disconnectedness I'm experiencing. He wants me to have all the MRI's, etc., test results that I have had within the last year sent to him and then go back to see him in three months. I am trying to get in to see my regular neurologist but the earliest appointment they have is May.
I guess the only thing I can do is just keep plugging along and being careful. I don't know what else to do.
Anywho...
As you can see by the photo below, I'm ready for the snow.
It snowed almost all day yesterday but didn't accumulate at all. I still enjoyed it. Going to and from errands, being out in the snow without a threat of slipping was great. I even took the time to visit my friends at Green Hill Cemetery.
During my house arrest after the fall, I went a little stir crazy and rearranged the living room. I'd been wanting to be able to sit very close to the fireplace so I would feel the warmth when it is on. Now I can and it is quite cozy. So I'm all ready for the storm.
I have plenty of food, am going to make Senate Bean Soup tomorrow. I found it via Jaz at Octoberfarm. I've been wanting to make it for weeks and this seems like a great time.
I think I've rambled enough for now. I'm off to make certain my camera batteries are all charged, get my beans soaking, experiment with an ice cream recipe and do some blog reading.
I hope you are having a great week. I'll get back soon with hopefully some snow photos. (Not that a lot of you really want to see more snow! Haha!)
blessings
~*~
10 February 2009
It's over...
I heard from the mortgage company today. In fact, they processed my pre-qualify within an hour. The good news...I qualify for an 80% loan. The bad news...I won't be able to come up with the 20% needed for down payment and closing costs. I haven't spoken with my mum yet, but I know the amount needed is much more than she is willing to contribute. If I had qualified for 90%, we could have made it work.
I'm numb. I feel like this was my last hope for happiness and now it's gone. All of my dreams are gone and I don't know what to do now. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I have no idea how to function. Just trying to breath right now is killing me.
~*~
I'm numb. I feel like this was my last hope for happiness and now it's gone. All of my dreams are gone and I don't know what to do now. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. I have no idea how to function. Just trying to breath right now is killing me.
~*~
21 January 2009
making decisions
As I mentioned in my last post, I took a ride on Sunday up to the Virginia mountains to look at that house again. I had an appointment and ended up arriving about fifty minutes early. I sat in my car in the parking lot of the little 200+ year old church that is at the corner of the road the house is on. I had forgotten to pack a book in my purse, I always keep a book in my purse, but had my sketch pad and colored pencils so I did a few sketches of some of the trees that were there in the churchyard. I took a couple of pictures of some ostrich that were on the farm across the street, not good photos though.
When the time came, I drove down the road to the house and as I crossed onto the property I immediately felt the peace and calm that I had felt over a year ago when I'd been to see it with my mum. So many things were flying across my mind, that I wouldn't know where to begin to describe it. I met the realtor there and we went through the house together. This time, the owners had prepared for us to come and had left the property. (Last time, they claimed they didn't get the message about the appointment but did show us around some.)
I remembered every detail of the house and property, immediately noting changes that I noticed they had made. It was so wonderful to be there. The agent and I stayed for almost the entire hour, talking about the property, about homes like this she had owned in the past, things that we need to do if I make an offer, etc.
When I left, drove the route that I thought was best, to my office in an effort to verify what the drive would be like if I was to do it twice a day, five days a week. (It turned out to be a one hour and twenty minute drive from driveway to driveway.)
As I drove, I tried to focus on what I'd felt while I was there, listening carefully to my intuition and trying to remember that it never guides me wrong. What I realized is that it is exactly where I belong. All the doubts that I'd had about it; the commute, being so far from family and friends, being alone in the country, all the things I will need to learn about in order to survive living in the country...all those doubts went away. I know that is where I am meant to be. As I told the realtor, there just are not words to describe how much I love that place.
We've started the process of making an offer. Getting all the paperwork, property disclosures, prices all that tedious and detailed information. I'm talking with two different lenders about getting a loan and of course, my mum now says that she wasn't planning on helping me as much as we have learned she would need to with the down payment. I am not letting that distract me. I know she will come through in the end. She had several questions about the contract offer and property disclosures (she will have to co-sign in order for me to do this so her name has to be on all paperwork) and I spent today getting those answers. I discussed them with her and she felt better, she'd asked me to talk to my local realtor and that lovely woman has been able to soothe mum's fears.
So, I'm going for it. I am making an offer and am going to do everything in my power to make this work. No more doubts, no more worry. I belong there.
My local realtor, this fabulous woman who has put up with me for nine years and been to all kinds of different places with me, asked me today, "When you left, did you love it as much as when you saw it the first time, or did you pick it apart and look for things that were wrong?" My answer was that I loved it more than the first time I saw it.
She says that means it is the right place for me. I believe that.
~*~
When the time came, I drove down the road to the house and as I crossed onto the property I immediately felt the peace and calm that I had felt over a year ago when I'd been to see it with my mum. So many things were flying across my mind, that I wouldn't know where to begin to describe it. I met the realtor there and we went through the house together. This time, the owners had prepared for us to come and had left the property. (Last time, they claimed they didn't get the message about the appointment but did show us around some.)
I remembered every detail of the house and property, immediately noting changes that I noticed they had made. It was so wonderful to be there. The agent and I stayed for almost the entire hour, talking about the property, about homes like this she had owned in the past, things that we need to do if I make an offer, etc.
When I left, drove the route that I thought was best, to my office in an effort to verify what the drive would be like if I was to do it twice a day, five days a week. (It turned out to be a one hour and twenty minute drive from driveway to driveway.)
As I drove, I tried to focus on what I'd felt while I was there, listening carefully to my intuition and trying to remember that it never guides me wrong. What I realized is that it is exactly where I belong. All the doubts that I'd had about it; the commute, being so far from family and friends, being alone in the country, all the things I will need to learn about in order to survive living in the country...all those doubts went away. I know that is where I am meant to be. As I told the realtor, there just are not words to describe how much I love that place.
We've started the process of making an offer. Getting all the paperwork, property disclosures, prices all that tedious and detailed information. I'm talking with two different lenders about getting a loan and of course, my mum now says that she wasn't planning on helping me as much as we have learned she would need to with the down payment. I am not letting that distract me. I know she will come through in the end. She had several questions about the contract offer and property disclosures (she will have to co-sign in order for me to do this so her name has to be on all paperwork) and I spent today getting those answers. I discussed them with her and she felt better, she'd asked me to talk to my local realtor and that lovely woman has been able to soothe mum's fears.
So, I'm going for it. I am making an offer and am going to do everything in my power to make this work. No more doubts, no more worry. I belong there.
My local realtor, this fabulous woman who has put up with me for nine years and been to all kinds of different places with me, asked me today, "When you left, did you love it as much as when you saw it the first time, or did you pick it apart and look for things that were wrong?" My answer was that I loved it more than the first time I saw it.
She says that means it is the right place for me. I believe that.
~*~
19 December 2008
Chances...
If you have read either of my blogs for any length of time, you have seen me mention my "dream home." I know I haven't mentioned it here but I might have mentioned on my other blog that last month the house went under contract to close this month. When I heard the news, I was devastated. It is MY home. I do not just want to live there, I NEED to live there. The first time I saw the listing on the Internet, I fell in love. Mum and I made arrangements for a showing and we drove the 1 & 1/2 hour drive to get there. The moment I stepped out of the car onto the property, I felt like I finally belonged somewhere, I felt that I was Home.
When we came home from that trip, even my mum said it was me and she could see me being very happy there. She has never said that. What's more, she has never wanted me to live more than 10 minutes from her. I was shocked, I expected her to say that she didn't think it was safe, that it was too far, it was too much work, anything to get me to stop thinking about it. But she didn't, she encouraged me and said if it would make me happy, to do it. I love her for that, and for many other things.
In an effort to help me get this house, I have prayed, made a wish board and done more spell work than you could imagine. I never took down the wish board and altar that I have set up around it. Something wouldn't let me, even after I heard it was being sold.
Yesterday I found out that the deal fell through and the house is again available for sale. My heart wept tears of joy. I've been given another chance. Another chance to make a change in my life that I know will make me happy. It will be hard, and sometimes things will be tight, but it will be so worth it. I have an appointment to see the banker on the 29Th. I refuse to pass up this opportunity. Gas prices have come down, and I'm willing to spend 3 hours five days a week in the car until I could find something closer. I know that now is not the best time to look for a job. So I'm not. I'm going to continue to work here, make the best of it as I can, but I'm going to also work my life. I'm going to start doing the things that I know I will enjoy, making art, crafts, growing herbs, flowers and vegetables, taking care of my soul...my spirit. I know that if I do what I love, everything will work out. (If you haven't read the book: Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow, I highly recommend it.)
So, I'm ready universe, I'm ready to take the next step. I'm ready to move to the Hollow and change my life. Thank you... Universe, Goddess, God, Creator, Spirit...thank you for giving me another chance to live my dream. I will embrace it with open arms and a warm heart.
Blessings,
~*~
When we came home from that trip, even my mum said it was me and she could see me being very happy there. She has never said that. What's more, she has never wanted me to live more than 10 minutes from her. I was shocked, I expected her to say that she didn't think it was safe, that it was too far, it was too much work, anything to get me to stop thinking about it. But she didn't, she encouraged me and said if it would make me happy, to do it. I love her for that, and for many other things.
In an effort to help me get this house, I have prayed, made a wish board and done more spell work than you could imagine. I never took down the wish board and altar that I have set up around it. Something wouldn't let me, even after I heard it was being sold.
Yesterday I found out that the deal fell through and the house is again available for sale. My heart wept tears of joy. I've been given another chance. Another chance to make a change in my life that I know will make me happy. It will be hard, and sometimes things will be tight, but it will be so worth it. I have an appointment to see the banker on the 29Th. I refuse to pass up this opportunity. Gas prices have come down, and I'm willing to spend 3 hours five days a week in the car until I could find something closer. I know that now is not the best time to look for a job. So I'm not. I'm going to continue to work here, make the best of it as I can, but I'm going to also work my life. I'm going to start doing the things that I know I will enjoy, making art, crafts, growing herbs, flowers and vegetables, taking care of my soul...my spirit. I know that if I do what I love, everything will work out. (If you haven't read the book: Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow, I highly recommend it.)
So, I'm ready universe, I'm ready to take the next step. I'm ready to move to the Hollow and change my life. Thank you... Universe, Goddess, God, Creator, Spirit...thank you for giving me another chance to live my dream. I will embrace it with open arms and a warm heart.
Blessings,
~*~
03 April 2007
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