saturday in the garden...

i took a little tour of the garden this morning and this is what i found...

finally a roma tomato that wasn't suffering from blossom end rot, plus a few more cherry tomatoes.  i'm completely in love with the little cherries. so delicious and perfect for my evening salads...

i don't see many bees in the garden so the busy one above was a thrill...

i can't remember all the seeds i spread in the flower garden so the two different varieties of cosmos make me happy and the love in a mist is so beautiful!  i'd completely forgotten about those and was so surprised when i found it...

the flower patch picture, the fence is 8ft tall.  i'm so excited by how tall those sunflowers are getting.  

i have a LOT of weeding to do in the flower patch and a little in the veg patch.  i need to pick some herbs for drying and make some pickles from the cucumbers (a couple of mine and a big bag our handyman brought over).  

it's been a hard week and yesterday was pretty much a lying in bed watching wimbledon and art videos.  i never changed out of my pajamas.

today is feeling a little better. i've done some work for a class i'm taking and also did a painting this morning.

maybe tomorrow i can get in the garden for a little work...

how are things growing in your gardens?

thanks for reading...

with love,

~*~

 

maybe one day i will...

 it's a monday, but feels like tuesday.

family is difficult.  or maybe i am. i don't know, anymore. 

i'm finding i have no time for bs.  not for anyone else's and not for my own.

family plans (that i wasn't excited about to begin with, but agreed to to keep peace) were canceled on both saturday and the rescheduled sunday with little to no notice.

i received a call last night from a family member that filled me with so much rage it is a miracle my house is still standing.  i don't want to go into details, but it basically boils down to a family member taking advantage of the rest of us and most of the rest of us enabling that family member.  

back in september, i reached a point where i could no longer handle conversing with my father.  i have a LOT of trauma associated with him and his treatment of me as a child.  he didn't physically abuse me in any way, but his mental and emotional treatment of me, plus his response to others treatment of me, was not a healthy way to grow up.  we've been on the fringes of each others lives for years due to my feeling like i needed to be there because, well, he's my dad. isn't that what you do for parents?  i thought so.  so after years of being told i was too fat, i didn't eat right, i don't work hard enough, i don't keep a clean enough house, i shouldn't spend my money that way, that i don't know anything about politics and i am going to hell because i'm not christian.  years of being told, when i become passionate about a subject and express that to him, that i'm being childish and need to "grow up".  i was d o n e.  i haven't spoken to him since september.  he sent me a check for xmas with a post it note and i mailed it back.  as far as i'm concerned, he doesn't exist.

all that was to say, that i told the family member who called me that the one they were complaining about is thisclose to getting the dad treatment from me.  i also said that if they and the others keep enabling them i'll cut them off too.

i'm not over-reacting.  i'm not being selfish.  i'm not being dramatic. i'm not being mean.

i'm trying to save myself.

every time i get a call about this (cause this is only one of probably hundreds of calls like this) i get sick to my stomach.  i get a horrible migraine.  i can't make myself step outside.  i close all the blinds and hide for days.  days that sometimes turn into weeks.

i realized that this morning as i was writing my daily morning pages.  my pages were full of this issue and the more i wrote the more depressed i became.  i wasn't thinking about what i was writing.  i just write and let whatever comes up, come out.  by the time i got to the end of my three pages, the tone had changed from one of frustration and anger to one of despair.  

normally, i end my pages with some affirmations and an expression of gratitude that i am alive. (it took me a long, long time to be glad that i'm alive).

these are the last few sentences from this mornings pages...

"i don't know how my being angry at ... about their behavior has led me to feeling like i shouldn't be alive anymore.  i don't know why i feel like i'd be better off dead.  that everyone would be better off if i'm dead. like no one would miss me.  like i was never here."

the thing is, this is not true.  i know this is not true and i don't want to be dead.  i'm not suicidal.  

the people that i'm this upset about are the people i have in my life to talk things out.  but i can't talk to them about it.  i have one other person i could go to, but they are on a hiatus right now of their choosing while they "figure out my (their own) shit".  

luckily, i have therapy tomorrow. 

i'll have a lot to talk about and that 50 minutes will be gone in a blink.

so, i'm writing this here.  i just needed to tell someone.  and you all are my someones.  

today is one of those days where i want to just walk away.  i want to walk away from my life and start it over somewhere else.  somewhere far away from the alcoholics and the narcissists and the enablers that make up my family. 

maybe one day i will.

but not today.

if you made it this far, i appreciate you.

i'm not feeling very full of love or kisses or any magical wishes today, so i'll just say...

thanks for reading...

~*~

friday in the garden...

hi again...

it took a little bit longer than i'd hoped but i'm here in this space again to share a little of what's blooming in my world.

i think i mentioned in my last post that i did a major overhaul of my little patio garden area.  i had 5 shrubs removed from two different spots.  then i turned soil (ugh...) and added a bunch of top soil and nutrient dense soil from the garden center.  

thus began the creation of my little veggie patch...

{the veggie patch contains a cage of cucumbers, a little pot of lettuce (i want to harvest the seed), an eggplant, a cayenne pepper plant, basil, a pot of peppermint, cilantro that has gone to seed, cherry tomato plant and two short rows of carrots.}

 
and my little flower patch...

the sunflowers on the left side are over a foot taller than i am. (don't get too excited, i'm only 5'2", haha)  i'm so excited to have sunflowers again! my paternal granddaddy always grew sunflowers in a tiny patch of dirt in front of his garden.  every time i see a sunflower i think of him.

these hydrangea blossoms are so delightful to me.  i plan to cut a few blooms to bring in soon.

i'd had some daisies planted in a pot for a few years.  i took them out, divided them and put them in the flower patch.  now they are blooming wonderfully.  in the flower patch i had found a foxglove to plant, the aforementioned daisies and some tickseed i also had in a pot.  i planted all that, then found a small purple/blue salvia to plant, then tossed in a ton of seeds to see what would happen. 

i've not weeded this area as i wasn't sure i'd be able to tell what i wanted there and what was making an unscheduled visit, but i hope to get out there soon to clean it up a bit.  i think now i can tell by the leaves.  i planted holyhock, lupin, more foxglove seeds, delphinium, cosmos and something else i've forgotten.  

i don't expect everything to bloom this year, but i'm hoping for good blooms next year. 

i've picked 4 cucumbers and there are lots more growing, and one cherry tomato that was so delicious.. oh my, it was soooo good.  i have roma tomatoes in a pot and i've had lots of fruit, but so far they all have blossom end rot.  i'm hoping it will get better.

below is a hanging basket of million bells with black petunias!  that's right! BLACK PETUNIAS!!  i couldn't believe them when i came across them in the garden center.  i wish i'd bought more than one, and if i ever find them again i'll buy a lot!  they are a deep dark purple that shows black. so beautiful (sorry i can't remember their name!)

 well, that's a little tour of my garden.  i've spent a lot of time out there and am enjoying it immensely.  i have a little more area to fill out then there is a section by the woods i want to expand a little more, a place i can add more flowers!

even if my veggie patch doesn't work out, i can fill it with flowers and be thrilled.  

so mostly i've been up to garden shenanigans, painting and some other craziness i'll share another time.  

so tell me...how are you spending your days this summer?

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~

 

easing back...

I spent a lot of spring outdoors.  I re-did my garden, or rather created a new garden.  Every time I am outside, the sky seems to call to me.  I can't step out the door without looking up.  Not to mention just sitting in my chair on the patio or taking a quilt or towel out and lying in the grass watching the sky.

The past two mornings have been glorious here.  The southeast is a place of heat and humidity in June, where breathing outside almost feels like trying to breathe with your face in a bowl of chunky soup.

It was 66 degree F yesterday morning with 68% humidity.  Today it was 57F with 60% humidity.  I took advantage and went for walks both days.

It felt so good.  Moving my body around and breathing the fresh air that almost felt like autumn.  I know the heat will return soon, but it sure was nice to enjoy.

Anyhoo...I'm slowly easing my way back in here.  (And thank you for your encouraging comments!)

I have lots to share, so hopefully I'll be back soon.  

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~
 

 

she lives...

long time gone...

i don't know how it happens...

despite my best intentions...

i miss lots of time in my real world.

there has been lots happening around here. some good things, some okay things and some bad things.  but that is life, right? a little bit of everything all tossed into the wind to land where ever it falls.

i'll be back soon with stories of where i've been and what i've been doing.

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~
 

 

blooming...

spring seems to be sticking around now.  after the warm spell we had the week before, this past weekends cold left me chilled to the bone.  i think we will see 79 or 80 around the end of the week.

i can't believe i'm excited about that... :-)

 

i received my first dose of the pfizer vaccine this past thursday. i had a panic attack just before leaving to go get it.  then when i got there, i couldn't find the clinic (it is in a local mall).  once i got to the site, it went very well.  i think i was there for just under an hour from arrival to leaving.  i had a sore arm and a bit of dizzyness but that was all.

my next dose is two weeks from this coming thursday.  i'll be happy to get it over with and feel a little safer to be out in the world more.

 

i spent some time last night trying to find a new knitting project to work on when i get stuck on a current knit.  i've found a few, but only one that i think i have the correct size needles for (as well as some yard to start).   i'm hoping to start it today.  there is a new technique i need to learn to move forward on my sweater and i don't have the mental capacity to do it right now, so... something simple is called for.

i hope to get into the garden tomorrow, since it is supposed to be nice weather.  

well...how are you all doing out there?  any spring plans that you are itching to get started on?  is spring showing any signs visiting your locale?

thanks for reading...

love, kisses & magical wishes... 

~*~

sometimes, cake...

i - seriously... where does the time go?

ii - i swear i meant to get here way back, right after my last post.  i don't know how this happens.

iii - ice storms, but power outages can be fun...

iv - i'm finding i'm at my happiest when i'm slinging paint.  it is liberating...

v - moon magic club shawl... yarn club from sirena (wild in the woods) - mini skeins opened on the full moons, charms, goodies...she makes magic.

vi - bakery cake is one of my favorite things. so...sometimes, when i need a little boost of happy i reach for the little bakery cake...

vii - i'm digging on these list posts.  they'll probably continue to happen. (inspired by effy and renee) 

viii - i'm already planning my next knit a black afghan... thanks for that inspiration renee... (why haven't i thought of this before?!?)

ix - i'm so ready for spring and the gardening has already begun...

x - i get my first vaccine jab tomorrow.  i hadn't planned to get it, fears of not enough testing, what might be in it, my serious health paranoia... but something changed a few weeks ago and now i am anxious to get the vaccine.  so...fingers crossed.

love, kisses & magical wishes...

~*~