a rainy day ramble

It's a grey, rainy day here in my little neck of the woods.  It's been a good day to veg on the sofa, get my blog reader set up (I'm using bloglovin') and thought I'd put up a post.  The past several days have been difficult.  My endocrinologist started me on a new med and it is really taking it out of me.  A panic attack on my way to the appointment wasn't a good start.  But I'm muddling through...

The garden is my sanctuary these days.  I find it very hard to leave the house much and when I do go out I hurry through my errands to get back home.  After Thursday's incident, it was being in the garden that pulled me back together. 

 Later that evening, something caught my eye whilst I was relaxing on the sofa.  The above little love fluttered onto my window screen directly across from me.  I got up and got the camera, went closer and took loads of photos.  It was still there when I closed up a few hours later at dark.  I've always loved dragonflies and even have a tattoo of one on my back.  To me they speak of change, rebirth and strength among other things.  It was a sign that I needed.  One that gave me hope that things will get better.

Saturday morning I went to our local farmer's market.  I hadn't been in quite a while and really enjoyed myself (despite my anxiety at the crowds of people).  I purchased quite a load of good fresh food and some locally raised meats.  Part of helping myself to feel better is to eat better.  I feel like this is a good start.  I'm trying to make certain to use it all up as I don't want to waste anything.  (kale, collards, strawberries, baby spinach, broccoli, greenhouse tomatoes and cucumber, carrots, stew beef, cube steak and ground beef patties).

I also purchased a few plants, two lovely geraniums - one pink and one red, and a three pack of foxglove.  I don't know what color the foxglove will be, but I like surprises like that.  I'm planning to put them in with my hellebore and lily of the valley.

I'm hoping this week will be better, even though there are more doctor appointments in the mix and supposedly lots of rain.  The rain is good for the garden and maybe will give me a chance to get some things done in the house.  I'd love to get my studio to the point that I could take some time to create something. 

I hope that the coming week brings you all lots of sunshine and smiles. 
blessings
~*~

maybe

 maybe, i can try this again...maybe, i can think of things to write that aren't horribly depressing...maybe, it would be good to be back in this space...maybe...

after my last post and subsequent trip to the lake, it seems like i just kind of checked out of online life.  i think i've been on facebook for a grand total of 2 minutes since before i left for that trip.  i've just not really felt like dealing with it.  i haven't really been in blogland either.  i've come on a few times, checking in with some of my favorite sites.  i've missed you all, i really have.  course, then there is blogger itself which has been driving me nuts.  i'm looking around for a new platform.  typepad seems to be a really great one (lots of my favorite bloggers use it) but i just don't know if i can add the cost to my monthly expenditures.  in the meant time, i've cleaned up my blog a little and will try to get here more often.

the garden has been calling me, and with the help of pain killers (lots of pain killers) i've been able to spend quite a bit of time there, tending and loving.  i've always longed to have statuary and such in my garden.  i recently found a few things to add including the lovely goddess below

i've also been working on finding someone to dig out a large section of the yard (actually it's all ivy, volunteer trees with a few iris bulbs) to expand my garden space.  i'm hoping it will happen soon as i've loads of seedlings that will need to find homes in the garden soon. 

the above photo is just one of the trays i have of seedlings.  if they all get planted and all produce i will be overwhelmed with veggies this year.  i started some carrots in a section of one bed and they started sprouting very well, but it looks like something is getting to them.  i'm going to try to find some way to protect them until they're bigger.  i also started 4 rows of blue lake pole beans.  they've already sprouted and i hope to have lots of beans this year as well.

i'm off to the endo in the morning and am not looking forward to it.  my blood sugars have been super wonky for a while now and i can't seem to do anything to get them regular.  i'm hoping for a change in my meds, even though i'd really like to get off them completely.

well, i think that is it for my silly ramblings tonight.  i appreciate you for sticking with me and still stopping by every now and again.  i hope i'm not too boring for you.  :-)

blessings
~*~

wispy, slow days...

February...already... how does the time go by so quickly?

It's been rather springy weather this past week.  I've spent a few days in the garden, put-zing around.

 I've been taking it kinda like this guy...s-l-o-w...  So long as I take my time and don't work too hard, I seem to be able to get through without too much pain.

My seed orders arrived and I spent time going through all the ones I've collected over past years, sorted them and put them in better storage.  I made notes in my garden journal of what I have and what the packets said about planting, growing, etc.  I'm a little confused on some things, I'll have to do some research.

Now that I have all these seeds, I've still to sort where they will all get planted.  Somethings that I would grow for herbal medicines or vegetables can't be grown on the side by the wood fence due to my neighbor's father's love of  roundup weeding.  Drives me nuts...

I'm planning to eventually have a long border along the fence of flowers.  I do need to move my Joe Pye this year - but to where, I've no clue.

These lovelies are sprouting up.  I've been saying for years that I want to add more crocus, daffodils and tulips to the gardens.  Hopefully this will be the year.

I've also spent lots of time in the studio.  The creating bug has bitten and I'm happily making things.  I seem to be keeping a sketch pad close by everywhere and can see improvement in my sketching.  Happy, happy!

I'm off to the lake this weekend for a visit with friends.  The daughter of my heart (but not my blood) is riding up with me tomorrow with everyone else following Friday. 

Is anyone else having trouble with Blogger?  For months I've been unable to get to my reading list.  I can't change it and have reached my Blogger allowed limit and cannot add any new blogs to my list.  It is unbelievably frustrating!  I'm seriously considering moving to another service.  Any recommendations?

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.  I hope to have photos from the lake next time.  I'm planning on working on my photo-taking skills while there.

blessings
~*~

PS...If you live in the Northeast of the US, I hope that you stay safe and warm.  I'm a bit envious of the blizzard, they say is headed that way.  I've never lived through one, but I've always wanted the experience.
Stay safe! 

insomnia and other bits

I have insomnia...again.  My head is apparently so full that it must rage, rant, swirl and dance all day and all night.  Usually I'll just lie in bed and hope for the best, but tonight I just couldn't do it.  The muses have been screaming at me lately and for the most part I've been ignoring them.  I can make all kinds of excuses - I've been sick; my headaches are worse and therefore I can't function well; I've had to help my mum with her new computer, etc., etc., etc.  Really it comes down to a lack of motivation and passion.  I can't find my passion or rather, what I'm passionate about.  When I say passion, I'm really talking about a purpose.  Or maybe a purpose that is a passion.  Maybe that doesn't make sense, but what can I say, it's 2:30 in the morning and my brain is on supreme hyper-drive.

I did try, I lay in bed for an hour or so before getting up.  I decided that I needed to stop hiding in bed or in a book and DO SOMETHING.  Hence, the blue paint on my fingers.  Yes, I've been painting. (I told you the muses were yelling at me)

I have two projects I'm working at right now and should have done for the past week.  But fear is a powerful deterrent to productivity.  I've let my fears of not being good enough, not making something other people will like keep me from making anything at all.  I'm at the end of my online art course and need to complete my final project so that I can receive a critique (fear again).  I also have another project that is kind of a secret, but I it needs completed by 21 Feb.  I have time, I don't feel the need to rush.  I just feel the need to do, preferably at a steady clop.

Other things on my mind are seeds, gardens, veggies, flowers, dirt, birds...do you sense a theme?  After the last couple weeks very cold weather we are to get a couple days of warmth.  Tomorrow is to be quiet lovely and I plan and NEED to be in the gardens working.  Wednesday is to be warm too, but severe storms should be rolling through and the day may not be garden-able.  Yes, I know that doesn't seem to be a word, but I like it.  My seed orders were place over the weekend.  I tried not to overdo and to be reasonable.  There are several plants that I still want to put in this spring, herbs mostly, but I'll pick those up at our annual herb sale at the farmer's market.

 No, I didn't order something from every tab, although I'd like to.  :-)  I ended up ordering from Pinetree and Territorial.  Territorial had a few things that Pinetree didn't.  I really wanted to order from Sow True Seed since they are based in my state, but their prices for the were just over 3 times as much as the others.  Living on disability, I have to try to be careful with my spending and I just couldn't justify it in my head.    I'm really looking forward to getting my seeds and getting seedlings going and gardens planned.

I suppose I've rambled on enough this morning.  I guess I'll go slap some paint on another canvas.  It's my first time working with canvas and I'm quite looking forward to it.

So tell me...are you planning a garden?

blessings
~*~

ps...blogger is giving me fits and has been for months...it won't let me edit my blog list.  I'm thinking of moving my blog to another location, do you have any recommendations?

views, art and nonsense

I hadn't meant to be away from the blog for so long, but as you all know, things happen.  The above photo is the view from my studio window this past Friday morning.  You can see the shed in the back, where I hope to have a permanent studio maybe this spring.  I have to figure out what needs to be done to make it happen and then figure how how to get it done.

 

I've spent a lot of time in the studio.  Making and creating, painting and sketching.  Above is The Lady.  I don't really have a name for her.  She's been in my head for a while so I finally started working on her.  I already see so many things I want to change.  I guess this is just her first incarnation.

 Heat was returned to my home today.  After 4 1/2 days without it.  Last week we had four or five days of nothing but rain and it flooded my crawlspace (just before the snow started on Thursday night) and my furnace ended up under water.  I got by and it wasn't too bad.  Lots of layers, the gas log fireplace, and a little electric heater helped me stay warm enough.  This time has made me realize how desensitized we have become from nature.  I could only imagine what my ancestors felt with just the fire from a fireplace or wood stove.   I still want to live in the country, where I can connect with nature more easily.

Above is the light of the sunrise after the snow.  You can see I never did pick a color for the shed.  I'm still mulling them over actually.  Terrible, isn't it?  Such indecision.  I'm ashamed to admit that all decisions for me go this way.  So often it takes ages before I finally decide on something.  I go back and forth, one way or another for a long time.  There are times, few and far between, that my intuition speaks so loudly I immediately follow whatever it says.    I'm getting better at following my intuition.

The above piece is one I've worked on for my online art class Compose+Yourself.  This class has been a wonderful inspiration to me and I've learned so much.    Sitting at my worktable, even in my very uncomfortable chair, is so much fun.  I can't wait to see what else I can create.  So many ideas running through my head. 

My little cottage is warm again and I feel like life can get back to normal.  I have some everyday chores to do tomorrow.   But I suspect I'll get back in the studio at some point in the next day or so.  I do keep a sketch pad close to hand.  You just never know when you have to get an image out of your head.  :-)

Wednesday is an endo appointment.  I saw the vampires today so they could drink several vials of my blood.  Funny, I didn't remember vampires liking urine though.  Yeah, they collected that too.  Hmmm...is that TMI?  I had a very scary low late this afternoon that I still haven't been able to pinpoint the cause of.  That hasn't happened since I changed meds about a year ago.  Every once in a while though...low.

Alright, I've hit the rambling portion so it is time to say good night.  I believe I'll go get in my cozy bed and hopefully not have nightmares after watching the new show "The Following".  Pretty interesting.  Love James Purefoy.  I've always been a fan of Poe as well.  I can't wait to see where they go with this.

back soon.  no, really, i will...  ;-)

blessings
~*~

It's all in how you look at it...

The past few years, I've learned not to make resolutions.  Failing to live up to them, always causes such anguish and self recrimination.  Putting myself down is not something I'm willing to do anymore.

I woke late yesterday, but spent a good half hour on my Wii Fit, doing yoga, strength & balance exercises.  I felt really good about that.  I did well with my eating choices too, until the evening.  For the past several months I've been seriously examining my food choices.  I'm tired of all the junk that I eat.  I want healthy things, actual Food to pass these lips.  I am however a major sugar addict and getting off the sugar train is going to take a lot of strength of will, which seems to be in short supply right now.  I suppose I'm going to have to purge my home of all the "temptations" that lie in the cupboards.

I don't know if it was the exercise or the new book I started reading last night, but insomnia decided to share the bed with me.  It was after 4am before I was able to sleep.  I finally woke, close to noon, with my head completely engulfed in pain.  This is a normal course for me (the head pain - the insomnia hasn't visited in months).  Some days I can move through it and others not so much.  So, today my brain is like the photo above - a jumbled mass of light and dark.

Living with constant pain is very wearying.  It's been over two years since I was taken out of work.  Several more years prior since I've had a day without a spot of pain.  Days like this would normally bring me down emotionally.  I would fall back into a dark hole of depression that would linger and seem to exacerbate the headaches.  I'm choosing to look at today a little differently.

2012 showed me that life is all about how you look at the things that happen, or don't happen as the case may be.

Yes, I did good things yesterday.  Yes, I'd wanted to continue that today as well.  But my body has different ideas for today.  I pushed myself extremely hard during December.  Maybe it is time that I  slow down again and take some time to pay attention to my body.  I don't feel bad for not doing any exercise today.  I don't feel bad (emotionally) for the soda I'm sipping while I write this post.  I know that drinking it will make me feel physically bad, though.  (I know this and am still drinking it...go figure!) 

2013 is going to be a year of change for me.  I still feel like I'm on the right track, even without the stretches today.  :-)

How do you make big changes when needed?  Have any of you (if anyone still visits here) stepped or jumped off the sugar train?  I'd love to hear how you did it.

blessings
~*~

Goodbye...Hello

It's time to say goodbye to 2012.  There was bad that I will not miss, but there was good that was so wonderful it almost made up for the bad.  Thinking back over the year and about how I wanted to share it here, I decided that instead of looking back, I want to talk about what I want to welcome in 2013.  Since I can't show pictures from the future, I'm using images of the past to help show what I want to have more of in 2013.

So, in the coming year - 2013, I want to invite in...

 more numbers like this and better health...

more dirt from the garden on my hands and under my nails ...

more of my own, homegrown vegetables...

more time knitting, with cute things to show for it...

more time spent here - weeding, planting, growing...

more beautiful sunsets...

more time creating, letting myself grow into my art...

more trips, meeting new people, seeing new places and doing new things...

more flowers...

 more snuggles with this cute face and his brother and sister (my nephews and niece)

and especially more whimsy and fun!

And of course, more time sharing here, in this space.


Instead of choosing one word for the coming year, I want to invite in an excess of words, I want to use as many as I can to live my life.  Despite the pain, I will have a good, full life.

Wishing you all the best for a magical, prosperous 2013.
love & blessings
~*~